Partner wants 50% of my money

[robd]

So we have just split up.
Currently we have a £700 mortgage to pay.
Partner works part time and takes home £1000 a month net - but has potential to work almost full time and take home £1600.

She wants to move house to a nicer area with better schools so is not downsizing. Also wants to keep working part time to spend more time with son.

I take home £1700. Will be left with no house, no capital in house.
CSA website suggests £250 a month. I have offered £500 a month.
This got thrown back in my face. How will he have holidays, food etc?
So am I being a complete git for my son - who I will only see 1 day a week by not supporting him? Is my ex just spending too much?
Comments?

Yes I suppose so... the state was very generous in them old days: like, rape within marriage was de rigeur, no votes for girlies, lordy-folk shagging the servant girls, dunking for witches, beheading for infertile wives....sigh...bring back those days.

I think everyone needs to calm down!!!

IMO the op's ex is taking the mick slightly.I always thought when you got divorced you split things equally. How comes she gets the hosue and your left with nothing and is then demanding half your salery? Have I missed something? I think that offering more than the CSA calculates is a generous thing to do. I think you should seek advice from CAB just to clarify everything. I think she might be taking you for a ride. You are going to need somewhere to live remeber so you can access to you son and over night visits etc.

Wow - you go to bed and look what happened.
Context - yes we did love one another once - about 10 years ago.
Little boy was born 3 years ago - when she found out she was pregnant, she (and I quote) - thought that was the worst thing that could possibly happen. But we now have a lovely little boy.
We have drifted apart - we both have very different attitudes towards virtually everything. You only have 1 life and neither of us have been happy for ages - in fact she said she stopped trying years ago.
Money - well this is the thing isn't it. I am more than aware of how much it costs to run a house. I know how much bills are etc and I know how much a child costs.
The things is - I have no house nor capital. Do I want to spend the rest of my life - or at least the next 15 years - sharing a house and giving a vast portion of my salary towards my ex's mortgage. I have to live as well.
I was very surprised by the CSA level. That is why I came on here for advice - personally I think we spend too much at Tesco - but I have no idea what anyone else spends.
I think she should work full time (or as near as damn it) when he goes to school. Other Mums do it and that would take her to £30k. I think she should rent for a while until the market settles down.
But she is very stubborn. No I am not responsible for her but I am responsible for my son.

Hi Rob, sorry things are so bad. Why are you only seeing your son one day a week? That isn't much. Is that your choice?

Why is she taking the house?

robd - you say you have no house or capital? so what is the mortgage for? what are your shared assets?

sorry but aside formt he money issue there you sound like you still want to be very much a part of her life - your thougths of what she should/shouldn't do are irrelevant really - you think she should rent - fair enough that's your opinion.

why exactly she would want to move to a bigger house I don't understand if she can't afford it on what she has. I understand the whole thing of better area/schools etc but still needs to live within her means. She should use her capital in the house and basically buy a nice one in the area she wants like for like.

You shouldn't be left with nothing no and £500 is a v v reasonable amount - fwiw I get a lot less than that and my XH is on your wages - and he has literally NO housing costs or elec/gas/council tax etc, so on that front you're v reasonable/generous and she's v unreasonable.

I'm assuming this split was only recently? if it is then you really need to work thru this - you need to come to terms with the new relationship which you guys have. (one which 16 months down the line i'm finally getting to grips with) If I were you i'd seek legal advice, and sort things out- a reasonable offer is for her to have say 60% of the equity and the maintenance you offer.

She will get her tax credits, and child benifit - tbh you're saying she should work FT - again your opinion, typically a lone parent is best off working PT and having the top ups. however this will obv usually only apply to renting not a morgage.

She needs to learn to manage her money and make sacrifices if she wants to keep her PT working you can't be expected to subsidise her living costs at the expense of your own.

oh and also to rent- basically that would eat into her equity capital as she wouldn't get HB if she's got a good level of savings - so yes good in theory but not so much in the long term iycwim.

sod - I used to hold you in high reguard but this line here '
dont be a sucker just cos she's doing the mealy mouthed single parent routine. i know plenty that piss their maintenance away. ' is WAY WAY out of line and you know it is. you're doing the men stick together thing.

Why is she taking all of the proceeds of the house? Is it not half yours?

You didn't answer my question on how much your son actually costs. Is £500 per month half of the actual cost of raising him. I ask this because in order for me to go to work to my full time job, I spend well over £1000 per month on childcare alone. So if DH and I got divorced I would say that was not an acceptable settlement. I would expect him to pay half of the actual costs. I never can understand this idea that the ansent parent pays what he/she can afford and the one looking after the child is supposed to magic the difference regardless of whether that means 80% of his/her income. I think you should work out what the boy costs and pay half.

But, I also think that you have as much right to spend time with the child as she does. Why aren't you asking for custody? At least shared custody.

Is there a way for you both to go to some form of mediation? Tbh it sounds as though you both have unrealistic expectations.

I'm sure your ex would like to move to a better area but if there isn't enough money for that then basically it's a case of tough luck.

OTOH I'm not sure that you're being realistic with your plan that she can just work full-time and that's that. She would earn an extra £600 per month but there would presumably still be a need for some form of childcare needed either before or after school, depending on the hours she works. There are also the school holidays to think about. Your ds will be off school for approx 13 weeks a year and need looking after during that time. Presumably he will be spending at least some of those weeks in holiday clubs or something similar. The costs all add up.

There must be a way for you both to compromise on this one. If you can't work it out together then you need an impartial 3rd party who can help you to look at all your options.

Ok a few questions to answer:
The house - we have only had it for four years. She put the deposit on it and we have both contributed towards the mortgage. She has worked part time so our little boy wouldn't spend every day in nursery. As such she has had to spend some of her savings on the extras in the house and on doing it up as I basically came into the relationship with no money (due to my lifestyle / career change in the 90s which is another thing but did affect the balance in the relationship).
Our house has gone up in value (but is now falling). If we sold it and paid off the mortgage, there would be probably about £60k. But what does that get you nowadays - she would need to raise a £100k mortgage herself.
I want her and my boy to have a place to live - that is why I don't want to be a money grabbing git. But she is very stubborn and single minded. I can afford to rent a shared place - depending on the maintainance.
As regarding access - I don't want him to be shuttled around during the school week. That seems unfair and unstable on him. I would like either every other weekend and half the school holidays. As it happens I am a teacher so that is kind of convenient.
The thing is, my OH is also obsessed by spending time with our son. She works part time and really misses him. So I know she will find the weekends really really hard. I also want to spend time with him.
It is going to be very hard to convince her - We are going to mediation. I want to use these boards to find out what other families do. I don't hate her but I do find it very hard to get her to listen and compromise.

I think you need to seek legal advice and find out what is the "norm", if there is one. I'm sure there will be someone one here who can tell you - maybe try asking in the legal section. My friend who is currently getting divorced has just had half the proceeds from selling their house. Her exh has had the other half. I don't think it's correct that she should get it all and you walk away with nothing. You do have find somewhere to live yourself and you need somewhere that your ds can come and stay overnight with you.

I don't think wanting to move to a better area with better school is that unreasonable. It could be better for your son. But she might need to look for a smaller house to enable her to do that.

And I don't think that her not wanting to work full-time when your child is at school is that unreasonable either. There are after school activities to go to or playdates. When they first start school they get REALLY tired, so being in childcare for the additional hours would be tiring for him. What about when your ds is ill? She'd have to take time off work. All the costumes/raffle prizes/cakes/reading etc etc that need to be done. I only work 13 hours per week and I take my hat off to those who work full-time and do all this.

Good luck with trying to get it sorted out - I hope it doesn't get too nasty. Oh and I agree one day isn't enough contact for your ds, why aren't you having more?

What is your access arrangement? How much money you need to give your exW for your son depends on how much your son is costing her and costing you. As a starting point, say you ought to be splitting the responsibility for your son down the middle so if you each have him 50% of the time and both of you work full time, neither of you ought to be paying anything to the other for him.

SOD

tbh we all hate being away from our kids, we all love spending time with them - but to deprive you of less time with your son (assuming there's not a good reason ie you're abusive etc etc) but to do that when the only reason is because she'll miss her child is quite frankly v selfish she has to get used to the situation - it's not nice, it doesn't really get any easier, BUT it's not a valid reason/excuse to not let you have contact.

if there's other issues - and it's in the boy's best interests he stops with his mum etc then fair enough but from what you've said I can't see it.

might be worth her looking into shared ownership homes in the short term?

robd - are you both on the deeds for the house and are you married?

If this is so - you will not be allowed by a judge to walk away without a penny - it doesn't happen any more and you would be advised to take 10% so roughly 6k of the prosseds of the house sale or if the house is not sold a part share until the house is sold or your ex pays you off.

It will not go through court for you to walk away with nothing as it is considered "unfair"

Mediation is a really good idea.

Just because your ex misses your son - you must be allowed to be part of his life and part of the school weeks aswell - not just the nice bits at the weekend.

I think SOD of three was mainly being lambasted because of his comments about mealy mouthed single parents and many who piss maintenance up the wall.

The OP is being generous and should insist on more contact imo.

However the view that shortfalls will be made up by TCs is wrong because why should state pay for shortfall.

What is a disgrace is absent parents who pay fuck all (I know of many situations where this is the case) and the culture in this country which allows it. It shouldn't be 'that's life'.

If absent parents were forced to pay up you would not get people who get nothing feeling so hard done by.

I have always worked full time plus I received maintenance at CSA levels but I am finding it very hard mainly due to high rental costs. Full time isn't always the way to go.

The additional costs which fall on the resident parent are very high. I don't think a 50% split of equity is right unless you are going for 50% custody.

FWIW my ex was always worried he would end up in a grotty bedsit - ironically he is now living in the lap of luxury in 5 bed house with new DP!!

rob maybe stop telling your ex what she should be doing, the more you do it the more she is going to dig her heels in. Now you have posted a bit more about your situation regarding the house if she has put the deposit down and paid out for extras then she is entitled to a huge chunk of the profit, you may have paid towards the mortgage but you would have had housing costs to pay wherever you lived, if you want a piece of the pie then get legal advice. Sounds like you ex is very independent and is trying to do the best for her child, it isn't always best for someone to work full time and put their child in childcare, sometimes its better to work part time and claim the top ups. You don't have to pay over the CSA amount, you will have your own overheads to take care of so be realistic, I hope your mediation goes well.

Thanks - some really good advice on here.
This is very recent (although it's been on the cards for ages).
Still in the same house so tricky.
Need to think about the equity in the house - she has contributed a lot of her savings to it.
We are not married - we do have a share deal on the deeds.
Access - will seek for more access. She will have to get used to the fact that he won't be there.
Ultimately my DS is the main concern - am I being selfish as he could have a great home with his mum or could see both of us equally but with less money? It is a very difficult situation - but mediation will help.

who is your rant aimed at eyebrow ??

I don't know why anyone has to live in a grotty bedsit, even if rob did give his ex £500 a month that would still leave him with £1200 to live on, I don't think anyone should have to pay over the CSA rates unless a nrp wants too.

this is why you need to seek mediation - I agree your X is independent but she has to realise you've split now and as such finances drop all around and neither of you can live the life you had before - ie compromises have to be made all around esp when it comes to the money side of things.

rob when is your mediation ? have you had any legal advice ? you could always go to the CAB.

oh n not to be a smart arse about it - 'how will he have holidays' my DS has NEVER had a holiday that hasn't included going to visit members of his extended family.

i'm hoping next year to save enough to take him to euro disney (the sun are doing vouchers for £15 to go each or they do the 9.50 holidays)

those will be the holidays if she really wants to take him away.

and the food - tbh you spend what you can afford without an extra mouth to feed in the house my bill went down from over £200 to £120, so saving there right away.

As you are a teacher, why don't you take your son on all of the school holidays, saving any additional childcare costs. Childcare for shool hols is a bloody pain in the arse for working parents. It seems an ideal situation for you, though.

I agree that she is sefish to think she has a right to not work just because she wants to not work. Also agree she has no right to better house with better schools just because seh wants them.

I understand she put up more money for the house. But, surely, if you were working more than she was over the last three years, you have contibuted more to generally supporting the family (food, utilities, clothes, whatever else you spent your money on). I think if you are going to go making adjustment to the settlement based on her contribution, then you need to consider the whole financial picture.

One thing I am trying to find out is realistic 'living costs'.
I know the cost of fuel, council tax, bills etc.
It just seems to me that we spend far too much on food and other items. No we don't eat out or splurge on plasma screen TVs but we so seem to spend well over £800 a month at shops or on little things that add up. We haven't worked together to reduce this (a part of the problem) but I just don't understand how our life needs this much money.

It would really help if I could find out 'running costs' of other people. Essentially we earn collectively £2500 a month (net) and have a £700 mortgage. We effectively have about £1400 spare a month which goes. This is her concern - yet people do this with far far less (and God knows how).

I do not mean to put people's back up with the money by the way. I know many people struggle daily. Yet when you start taking away council tax etc, the money soon goes down.