what is the usual arrangement re: Christmas

[dalu]

My ExHusband wants to have our Ds 4.5 this Christmas. I told "no" as we had agreed through solicitors letters that Ds would spend Christmas with me and boxing day with exH. My exH is threating to take me to court because he thinks it is unfair, he also is saying that he have to travel 45 min every fourth night to pick our Ds up from my house and I never took him to his house and that is also not fair. He left me when i still pregnant and is only in the last 12 month, after I put my foot down re: access,
that he is taking it seriously. What other people's arragements is for the festive sesson. Am being unfair?

To be honest, I can't really blame him about Christmas. I'd hate not to have Christmas Day with my child, wouldn't you?

For dh the court ordered Boxing Day from 10 am for a week. However, once dsd was old enough to express her own opinion she was very clear that one year she wanted to be with her mum for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and the next year she wanted to be with us for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. That what she thinks is fair and she cannot understand why the court ordered otherwise.

If she lived nearer I think we'd find a way of her spending time with both families on Christmas Day.

As for the travelling, dh has always had to do an hour and a quarter each way to collect dsd. Her mum has brought her here twice when she has been in the area anyway. Whether his request is reasonable or not depends I think on his circumstances and yours. If he is really struggling to find the money for the petrol for example, then it might not be that unreasonable to take your ds to him sometimes. Or maybe if the journey cuts down on the amount of time he has to be with his son. But I think as a general rule it is down to him to collect and return him.

We have a court order where we alternate Christmas's, ds's birthday and Easter every year.
My xp has been ordered to do all the driving by the court. He did take me back to court to try and get this changed but didn't didn't succeed. At this stage the judge finally realised what an idiot he is and even called him pedantic (sp) and accused him of trying to make things complicated. However I have picked and dropped ds up/off on occasions.

It is horrible not have Christmas with your little one.

I know, it is horrible Harra/surfmum. Considering that I do all the driving to everywhere else with ds, I found petty that he can't speare 45 min journey ( money is not an issue as he does have four cars) to collect his son and bring him back. He told me that he is going to ask Ds directly and my reply was that " when he is old enough he can decide not now" " It is unfair to put pressure in the little boy like this" . I guess I am very tired of arguing with him

Yes, it's really not fair to ask him. How the hell can he choose between his parents? Puts him in an impossible position. It was dsd who brought the subject up with us rather than the other way round.

I am so fustrated with exh! Last year I suggested to drop DS on Christmas day at 2pm so he could spend the day and stay the night with his dad. Exh declined, saying that he wanted to wake up with DS on christmas day and play Santa etc etc. He then Chose to spend time with his girlfriend's sons instead. Today after various abused texts I decide to stop let him communicate with me like I was a piece of durt.I told him to take me to court. When he wants somethig he is nice as pie. God I pis*off

This is our first year in this situation and we have tried our best to reach a compromise. SO this year I will have the children in the morning for pressie opening although exdp will try to be here as early as he can we shall see but as he will be at his mothers house and she is only round the corner it is easier for us to compromise.
Next year I will be living in another town and we have agreed alternate years and dp cannot drive and I will be living a bit away I have sugested and we have agreed that alternate access weekends each of us will travel so I am not doing all the driving and he is not doing all the hanging about waiting on trains.

Good luck IACIALS. I hope work well for you. I guess if you and dp are in agreement and work well for both of you great but don't let him take advantage. Keep the rules very clear. I spent a fortune in solicitors fees to have access organised and now I might have to go to court. Have fiath that everything will turn out ok. You guys seems to work well together

dalu you could alternate christmas's, although now your ex is getting abusive maybe it going through the courts will be better, keep all texts he sends you.

sorry but he can't suddenlt just say he wants ds for xmas. If he wants it sorted he can go and get a court order. I know it's awful for the non resident parent, but they alos have to show they are willing to be a proper part of the child's life. They have to do thier bit imo to have the right to the every other xmas thing. Sometimes you get nrp's who demand all the special days, and never even bother on the day to day things.

We alternate Christmases, so DDs and DSD spent last Christmas eve and day with us, then we dropped them all off to respective other parents on Boxing Day morning for a couple of days.

Everyone happy, but I will admit that we are lucky. Maybe you need to give a little to show willing, have Boxing Day as your Christmas Day and find something adult and amazing to do for Christmas Day?

Sorry, just realised that he has only just got involved with DCs life. Why don't you offer that he can have him next Christmas if you can have him for this one, so that you have time to get used to it. and make sure that he intends to be around long term?

You do need to share any travel though

I won't share the traveling.I find so pedantic of him to moun about collecting our son. I asked him, no long ago, to share the school holidays with me as I only have six weeks of from work. The answer was that he will have our DS when he can and he cannot commit to seven weeks holidays or the cost involved with childcare at that time of the year. I asked him how I would afford it and he told me the this is was my problem. Thanks got I got some help from the family tax credit otherwise we would be really in trouble. When times come to the everyday shit he finds an excuse to stay away. Now he wants the le creme the la creme day of the year? I don't think so! I have spoken to him to day and he said that he doesn't want to take me to court really! I said to him next time he wants to threat me to please do it instead of talking about.

i belive that children should always wake up in their own beds on xmas morning.
dalu, sorry to hear your ex is being a shit. please keep posting.

Some children have their own beds in two homes though PurpleOne.

The more you post dalu, the more I can see where you are coming from. He does seem to want to pick and choose when he is involved. We have dsd for 3 weeks of the school holidays and we organise for her to go to holiday clubs on the days I work when she's with us. It wouldn't occur to us to say "no we can't have her", we just have her and work round it.

I now it is horrible the whole situation. Thank you very much for everyone's support. I sent him a text today telling him when he will have our son. I made very clear that abusive text woundn't be tolerated. He tried to negociate and I stook to my guns. Surfermum, I agree with you when you say that some children have two beds in different homes, but don't you think that it has to be when both party are equaly commited to the children? Remeber it is only for the last 12 month exh is taking access a little bit seriously. He used to tell me that "If I can't have you I don't want ds either" for almost three years ( our ds is 4.5), I used to beg him to have our ds so I could sleep and rest and he refused. Now he found someone else, which is great as far I am concerned, and he want to play happy family. What if they split up? Is he going to forget our DS? Maybe I am very resentful of exh leaving me pregnant and didn't give me any support at all. I guess I am bitter and suspicious