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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Does everybody hate us?

53 replies

beansmum · 06/11/2008 19:52

I have been really surprised by the recent threads about single parents. I have never before felt like people thought I was 'scrounging' or that I shouldn't be allowed to SAH. Do people just hide their feelings better in RL? Do all my friends actually think I should get off my arse and get a job? Do they constantly worry about their tax money supporting me?

I must be quite far down the list of people deserving of help as well. My husband didn't die, I wasn't abused, I always knew I was going to be a single parent. AND I have never paid tax.

OP posts:
OptimistS · 07/11/2008 11:28

Im a single parent but have never encountered anyone looking down on me/resenting me, etc. Obviously, I read rubbish in the tabloids that all single parents are scroungers living in council houses, etc., but I've never encountered this viewpoint towards me personally. That said, I own my own house and work full time, so maybe I don't fit the stereotype easily enough to look down on. The stereotype itself really annoys me though. Lone parents who do live off benefits and live in council houses are no less deserving than me. I know that even with 80% of my childcare paid for by tax credits, the 20% I have to pay would be prohibitive for anyone on a less than good wage, which means for most people that the most obvious cost-effective way of managing to be a single parent with young children is to stay at home. And if you're not working, obviously you need benefits and housing. Surely that's what our benefit system is there for - to help people at a point in their lives when they need it and have no other choice.
To paraphrase someone else on here, being a good parent has less to do with whether your on your own or married, or whether you work or are on benefits. It has everything to do with whether you are a decent person with good values and morals who will teach your children self-responsibility and to treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Sorry, gone off on one there, but railing against the stereotyping of single parents is a pet topic of mine.

GypsyMoth · 07/11/2008 19:02

makes me laugh....the "taxpayers" who claim they "support" the benefit claimants......do they really believe that should all benefit claims stop,then the tax money they pay would be stopped?? do they? do they homestly believe it wouldn't be taken from them for other purposes??

tax is tax...if there were nobody claiming anything,this money would still be deducted from wages......not so smug then are they??!

Liffey · 07/11/2008 19:26

No. There are some people who don't think things through properly. They have this blurry image of 'those single mothers' in their minds, the representation of all that is wrong with society!!!

But, MOST of those same people, if presented with an individual person, and individual story, they would be a little less quick to judge and a little bit more compassionate. EVEN if they still TUTT for England whilst reading the daily mail.

HOWEVER< there are some very stupid people. One Married poster who said herself that she can't afford to work because of the childcare is behind at least 3 of the nasty threads. If she can't manage it, with a husband paying the mortgage it is beyond my comprehension how she thinks it would be easier for a single mother !! You can't reason with some people.

Liffey · 07/11/2008 19:30

ps beansmum, I had also been wondering that same horrible thought, what if all my friends in real life were just FAKING being kind and supportive and understanding??

travellingwilbury · 07/11/2008 19:36

I have to say I have never heard any people in rl talking about single parents the way people do on here (and other forums I have ventured on ) .
I have a lot of respect for mums / dads who bring up children on their own .
I am married to a great man who is really supportive and I still moan about feeling tired , grumpy and having too much to do . I have no idea how I would manage if I was on my own .

So for what its worth thats my 2p worth

hullygully · 07/11/2008 19:41

I have lots of single parent friends and they moan MUCH MUCH less than the marrieds, despite how tough things are for some of them. Plus, economically and politically life is organised aroudn the nuclear family model and needs two people to make it function (one working and one caring), unfortunately hardly anyone lives like that anymore but the system hasn't caught up and is unlikely to as it does rather suit men...

Liffey · 07/11/2008 19:43

Thank you travellingwilbury, that was worth a lot more than 2p!

nickytwotimes · 07/11/2008 19:45

I ahve been appalled by the posts this week knocking single parents. Utter wankery. I'm a smug married, btw.

Liffey · 07/11/2008 19:52

Most of the nasty threads were started by the same person. I just know it. So it's not as bad as it seems. It's one person trying to make it seem like there are people who agree with her!! which shows a certain state of mind! She got a lot of attention though.

travellingwilbury · 07/11/2008 20:03

Aw shucks Liffey

Claire236 · 07/11/2008 20:09

I had the misfortune of living next door to someone who completely fulfilled the Daily Mail stereotype. She'd never worked in her life, had Sky & broadband (which I know plenty of people who can't afford with jobs) took drugs, smoked, went out & got really drunk at least twice a week & locked her alarmingly skinny, usually dirty daughter in her room when she was annoyed with her. She also said that if anyone ever tried to make her get a job she'd just get pregnant again. Funnily enough I didn't have a lot positive to say about her but she's not exactly representative of mums of any kind be they single, living in council houses or anything else. Personally I work full-time & can't imagine how I would manage that & looking after my 3 year old ds without my husbands support.

hecate · 07/11/2008 20:15

I HATE it, it's just yet another form of woman bashing! Blame the single mother. Single mothers this single mothers that single mothers are responsible for everything that's wrong with the world.

Oh yes, the single mother for example who has been abandoned by her partner, (who thought it was acceptable to create a life and then walk away from it and go do something else AND weasel out of paying a penny..) and left to try to be BOTH parents, is a bad bad person who is wreaking the world.

The man who created a life and ran away and hides his money and takes no responsibility and left cos it was too haaaaard sniff sniff boo hoo, OTOH, well, where is all the hoo-har about him? Where are the daily media articles talking about how feckless fathers are ruining the world?

Or the abusive partner the woman ran from and hid from, to try to bring up her child is safety - where's the outcry about him then?

Liffey · 07/11/2008 21:13

Yes, Hecate, the "I'm not sure I'm ready to be a father (after having impregnated a girlfriend)" or "I'm not sure I@m cut out for family life" or "I've fallen in love with my secretary"

This is real 'weakness' and yet the men aren't generalised or stigmatised.

They can just get on with their lives, the woman is literally left holding the baby, and the blame.

Liffey · 07/11/2008 21:15

PS. I'm not bitter! This isn't what I go around thinking all the time, I only find myself thinking that it needs to be said (shouted) to the poster with several identities. You know the one I mean?

estuaryfairy · 07/11/2008 21:30

Haven't been on for a while so haven't seen the threads, but will just say I have been a single parent for nine months and yes, I have been receiving tax credits for that period, but I have also paid taxes for well over 20 years, so I think I've paid my way, and then some. I don't think there's many single parents who actively choose to bring up their kids alone, and I don't believe the Middle England bollocks about single mums having babies in order to get benefits. Maybe there's a tiny percentage, but it's bloody tough being a single parent - emotionally, physically and financially - and it's not easy getting help from the state anyway. For example, I can't afford my mortgage anymore and will inevitably have mine and DD's home repossessed. Once that happens, I can apply for housing benefit which will pay approximately £650 a month for me to rent a two-bed property. Yet I would happily stay in our home if I could cover the mortgage (which is £150 less than the council will have to pay once I claim HB) but they won't do that. They'd rather line the pockets of some dodgy landlord offering sub-standard accommodation. Oops, ranting! Hectate's right though, why is it always the mothers who get bashed, when it's inevitably (the dads on here excepted) the irresponsible, selfish, twatty fathers who do the damage?

alloutofcrazy · 08/11/2008 00:59

You're right Liffey,4 identities by my reckoning and I'm not on any troll hunt just think knowledge is power.
Especially when decent people's feelings are hurt time and again by one idiot.

solo · 08/11/2008 01:06

Estuaryfairy. Have you put in a claim for help with your mortgage? I have help with mine, though you do have to be claiming IS for 6 months(I think)before you qualify. I still pay a bit more than half, but I do have the interest paid.

Limara · 08/11/2008 01:18

No, I dont. I am married but from where I'm looking, it looks appealing. (long story)...

The only thing I get from my single friend is comments on how I should be grateful about stuff and I then feel resentful on how she gets her weekend off without the kids and the responsiblilties. Swings & roundabouts....

mamadiva · 08/11/2008 01:28

I don't ahte you, I admire you but not in apatronising way for doing it alone IYKWIM.

My earliest memories are of me and my mum alone after my dad walked out and havent seen him since I was 3 at the time, and theya re all great memories and sadly she did get married again and now has a 14YO DS and 3YO Dtwins but is going through a divorce again their dad is never reallly around so yet again shes doing it alone and I personally think its great the way people adjust to things so quickly I hate to think how Id be.

PurpleOne · 08/11/2008 03:59

Ive been a single mum for the last 6 years, and never been so judged as I have the past year.
It is so bad I am ready to pack my bags and walk out next Friday. Exh throws hos toys out the pram. His wife slags me off. My kids dont even stick up for me when she does. And she does it in front of them. That I need a slap, and I dont deserve any freinds.....

Ive tried so hard, but am ready to walk. I hate it. There is no fucking comfort. My parents dont even wanna talk o me anymore. My best mate got judgey wth me this year and we dont talk either.

Am so sick of it all. Being on my own and unsupported. Unloved and unwanted. Even my kids abuse me. My sw has decided to listen to exh's lies too.

Ah fuck it.

solo · 08/11/2008 11:25

Don't give up PurpleOne, you are better than that and better than them if they've resorted to abuse. How old are you Dc's?

moosh · 08/11/2008 13:12

I'm a single parent too but I sometimes feel that I have defend the fact that I'm single sometimes.
Men think your desperate:
People think your spongers even if you do work:
People assume my boys will be a menace to society cause their dad isn't there:
You know what sod them.

I had a little row with a friend who is also a single parent. She said that I wasn't a single parent because "My boys saw their dad almost every weekend" and because her son never sees his dad "She is the definition of a single parent" !!!

So I said to her, so my mum who struggled on her own with 3 of us and we saw our dad probably 6 times a year wasn't a single parent?????? Her comment still annoys me, so whenever she asks me to babysit her ds now I say "No" !!!!!

jellybeans · 08/11/2008 13:32

I was a single parent of 4 under 5s briefly and it was so hard and I have always hugely respected lone parents, I often think how on earth would I manage of DH upped and left! I know I would still SAH (on benefits probably) until I felt ready to go back (when all at school and if flexible hours and p/t) as my kids would come first not the economy etc. I think usually the bitter ones don't like that they 'have to' work while it seems to them lone parents have a choice, but what they don't see is the lone parent doing everything which they probably take for granted their DH doing. And the sheer stress of being sole decision maker. I respect all lone parents and am glad if they SAH with young children (on benefit or otherwise) as I feel it is best (but respect working lone parents too).

solo · 08/11/2008 13:44

Moosh, don't be too hard on her. She sounds bitter about it all. She is only likely to be able to see things from her own window. Some people just aren't open to seeing what is going on outside of that window or that glass is fragile and can break.

thegreatescape · 08/11/2008 14:00

never had so much respect for lone parents as when ds was born. I am married and had lots of help from dh and it was still hard so god knows how you do it on your own.. then you go back to work, they go to nursery an dthen are ill... if you are the only one taking time off all the time - blimey.

Also, how come 'single dads' are seen as heros? (not saying they aren't but why are 'single mums' given more negative stereotype?)

Also, those critising lone parents need to remember that unless their husbands/partners are invinceable robots, its possible they could be single parents next week. You never know what's going to happen and life sometimes doesn't work out as you expect.