Confused rant!

[glitterfairy]

My X goes from strength to strength of awfulness and whilst I am largely ok there are times it still gets to me and I dont know if I am doing ok.

My youngest still sees him and I support her in this but my eldest two dont (due to his violence towards them).

I found out today that he has had a job since May but paid me only £5 per week pretending to be unemployed. When I told the CSA they said they couldnt backdate a claim as it could only start from when I told them he was working. They said it was up to me to inform them and when I asked them how I was supposed to keep tabs on him they said they didnt know!

Tomorrow it is his birthday and he is picking my youngest up after school and taking her to the cinema and then off for a meal at his house which is really his girlfriends (3 bedroom barn conversion whilst me and the kids live in a rented house because he bankrupted me refusing to pay for two years after he left). She is really looking forward to it but.... Tonight I cried because I cant afford the cinema at the moment struggling with two jobs, one full time to make ends meet and pay for everything they need. I guess I let myself feel pretty sorry for myself.

The kids know he doesnt pay because no way am I taking the fall for not having enough money to do things. I dont make a big deal out of it usually but tonight the injustice of it all got to me. He is and has been a violent bully and I have had police alarms and god knows what. Even then he has not stopped and hit or hurt the kids as well including my youngest.

Yet even then I have made sure if they wanted to see him they could and tried really hard not to influence them but I know I do at times because I cannot stop myself getting cross all the time I am no saint!

Anyway just wanted to rant. He is an immoral twat and disgusting and in the end the loser here no matter how hard things are for me.

I feel that I sound bitter which I really think I am not but I just wanted to let off steam thanks everyone.

i understand where you are comming from...big hugs to you! you are doing a fabulous job caring for your children and kepping a roof over their heads, life would not function without you, but as you can see life goes on fine without him. sometimes you need a good cry to get it out of your system, just do it. i would feel insulted if he paid nothing and had it all, whilst you di all the work. call the CSA again and tell them that is it their responsablity to keep tabs on his work and not yours otherwise you wouldnt have to use them in the first place. tell them you want the money backdated and yes they can do it mY XP is currently repaying me.
keep using MN to let off steam... it will make you feel much better. hopefully someone else will be along shortly to give you more support.

Am so sorry gf. What KK says is true, it is unjust and morally wrong that he seems to sail away into the sunset. He isn't really, though, you have your dc and they (and you) are safe from him. He is missing out on your family (one nice trip to the cinema does not make him a proper dad).

Things are crap money-wise generally, your dc have probably gathered that and it is not a bad lesson to learn about - it's real life.

He may have this one evening with your dc but you have all of the good stuff with your dc (and the bad, admittedly!). Can you plan something nice for half term week (popcorn and a dvd night??) to look forward to?

You have not kept your dc from seeing their dad because you are a good mum. Although they may want to have contact with him they will value the fact that you have put them in a place of safety and given them security.

It IS totally unfair. All you (we all!) can hope is that karma will play it's part and come back at bite him very soon!

I can understand why you are upset at the unfairness of this. I would be too. Just want to say that I don't think you come across as bitter; far from it. Given his violence towards you and your children, you could have easily stopped him having any access whatsoever. The fact that you haven't just proves how fairminded you are and how determined you are to be the best mother you can be. I find it interesting that your youngest has contact but not your elder two. I'd lay money on the fact that as your yuongest grows up, her relationship with her father is likely to go the same way as her siblings. She is probably still young enough to desperately want daddy's love and approval despite overwhelming evidence that he's never going to be the dad she really wants. In time, she will probably reach the same conclusion as your other children - that it's never going to happen. It's a horrible and bitter disappointment for a child, but if they have one loving and supportive parent, which you obviously are, they get over it and become stronger for it. I think you should be proud of yourself, personally.

Hi Glitterfairy hang in there it will not always be dark and gloomy as the other girls said anyone raising kids on their own is a saint and we do have our off moments you are only human, he may be buying your daughters love (with his girlfriends money no doubt) but kids are not stupid she will wisen up sooner or later like your other children, keep ringing the CSA because they are changing their protocols as from the 27/10/08 for the better i was told by my case worker today goodluck

feel for you glitterfairy - mine does pay but still tries to control me and the DCs by not sticking to our agreement for access which was put to the court as part of our divorce. He does see them regularly but mostly to suit him and never for the allocated time.

Like yours he also appears to have fallen on his feet and is now living in large house with new P and has seemingly wormed his way into her family.

Whilst we are living in a small but extortionately priced rented house and although I have a reasonably paid mid ranking job I am scrimping and really struggling. The DCs are beginning to notice the wide gulf between their standard of living and their dads. They can't quite understand it although the oldest seems to be getting the picture.

When new DP is around he talks to me and DCs in a completely different way (nicely) and when she isn't he snarls at them and me if I'm around.

The irony is that he used to say to me when I asked him to leave that we could not split up (as if he made the decision) because he would end up in a tiny bedsit!!

It really does feel so unfair I know.

THanks everyone. Feeling better this morning.

Citylover mine used to say he would never ever live at a disadvantage as well!

My eldest two are wise to him but it really hurts my youngest and she couldnt go into school on Monday morning because she was crying over his lies to her and also because she so wants us to be friends. I have to say to her we will never be friends and we dont speak at all and never will. There are limits to my goodness and my sense of self preservation and that of my kids means that I wont ever speak to him again.

I think this does have an impact on her as she gets terribly upset. She wants to see him as basically good but when he lies to her it is obvious. The other two were much worse physically hurt by him and I prevented him having to face criminal prosecution because I did not want them dragged into it. Things were really bad for them during the court case and I didnt want it to get worse.

It worries me that the impact on her will be a lack of self confidence and she is the most unsettled of the three. My eldest two admit that not having a relationship makes them far more stable. They return his presents now as well saying they would rather have food! It is all terribly sad for them but you are right it is reality it is just I would rather they didnt face it now!

hi gf xxx
(((((((((((((((((((((gf and dcs))))))))))))))))))

Grrr have just spoken to a friend (no DCs) who though is really lovely always gets things way off the mark, she is quite naive. Was telling her about exH and she said she thought he was doing well (given what he was like). Er no he is not doing well love he is their father and should step up to the plate. She also thought new P should be praised for letting DCs stay!! Aagin if you meet a man with DCs then they come as part of the package surely?

Have also just sent rather a long email to exH asking him not to use derogatory language to DCs about previous childcarers we have used for them when they were quite young. What sort of message does that give to a child fgs.

Ie you entrust your child to someone's care and then make a really insulting comment about them to your DC

Hi Mrs Morton, have heard back form my MP now and his prodding of the CSA seems to have gone a bit further than the usual we have a backlog of cases so will continue to make my case through him.

Apparently there needs to be a law change in order to make men pay backpay. Frankly I think the CSA should be run the same way as the inland revenue!

My youngest returned on Wednesday having been shouted at but then proceeded to take it out on me as she is too scared of him to get in a strop! My eldest was really cross and went to bed crying because she thought it was unfair that I got the effects of Xs bad behaviour.

To some extent I agree but also think that at least she trusts me enough to discuss emotions with me.