I want things to get better but I feel so bitter

[jnmum]

Hi, I am a single parent of a five year boy. I have been on my own since I was pregnant and sometime I find life incredibly hard. I am very lonely but I have some good friends and a reasonable job, my own house etc.

I have a long standing problem. I honestly just want your opinions because I think I've got to the point of becoming depressed and can't think straight anymore.

My three brother's partners all got pregnant at the same time as me, however my partner left when I was pregnant. It was a difficult time for me and I ended up moving to near my parents when I was 8 months pregnant. I also had a very difficult pregnancy. I wasn't the easiest person at that time because I was very low about everything. At one point I had a row with one brother, but couldn't think straight and he didn't speak to me for months.

Anyway, a year down the line - I had a lovely boy, a good part time job, a lovely flat and had made friends and was close to my family. My brother who I had rowed with and I were close again and I went to his future wife's hen do with my parents babysitting. I didn't know her well as they had only been together about 18 months but we had always got on well, met up with our babies etc.

At the hen do, she got very drunk and at the end of the evening was just me and her at her house. She started saying to me that her Dad had committed suicide and had abused her. I was shocked and tried to sympathise with her but she changed the subject. I remember saying something along the lines of how much my brother loved her but also said that proof of that was that he was committing himself to her unlike other women he had dated (which she was aware of) that he hadn't been so committed to - including his ex fiance who had left for her. It was meant in a nice way but I can see that she probably misinterpreted the intentions and thought I was saying what a bastard he was. I don't know.

Anyway, she then said that I was lucky to come from such a close family and that 'I was the cross my Dad had to bear...'she also said that me and my middle brother had never been close and that 'My Dad had been at his wits end about me'.

I can't remember much more apart from leaving as soon as I could. I went to their wedding but I hated her from that moment onwards. My parents totally agreed with me in that my Dad totally denied having said or felt such a thing and were furious on my behalf. My Dad wrote to her asking her to explain herself but she never did.

Four years down the line, I still feel enourmous hurt. I feel I am carving out as good a life as I can for me and my son but have lost the close family I once had. I now hardly ever see her or my brother and have alot of self doubt. I don't know whether she was referring to the fact I am a single parent and my Dad may have said he was worried about me or referring to the row when I was pregnant and therefore referring to my personality (which I think the circumstances would have slightly unhinged anyone - to be dumped when you are 4 months pregnant).

I have had so much sadness and bitterness about this. I don't know whether she said it out of retaliation about what I said or not.

I did try to discuss it with my brother but he said that I had said awful things that night but I am sure from what I can remember that the two conversations were not straight after each other.

Over the years me and my brother have drifted totally apart and we very rarely see each other. I am very lonely and although I would love a closer family I can't see it happening.

Recently I saw a close friend, someone I have known my entire life and who has only met her once at my son's christening. I told her the story and she said that she thought my SIL was acting out of retaliation, that I had to let it go and that a single parent is more of a burden to their parents. Then last night I saw that my SIL had added my close friend to her facebook friends! They have only met once and she would have got her name from my brother's contacts.

I even had a bad dream about this last night.

Please can you give me some advice.

I know I need to let it go, but wouldn't you be hurt by what she had said? and don't you think it strange that she added my childhood closest friend to her friends list on facebook?

sorry for such a long post, I hope someone replies

so sorry for you, have no experience of this but didnt want to leave your post unanswered, im sure someone will be along shortly x

thankyou. It all seems such a muddle, I honestly don't know how it has all gone so wrong. I know I am really bitter but surely it is not ok to say the things she did? I also wonder if she added my friend to her facebook friends as a way of getting at me? or maybe I am being paranoid?...

Facebook is evil! i used to be so totally into it but to be honest i have heard so many people have arguments from it over friends and post im staying clear! can you ask your friend why she accepted the request in the first place and whether anything has been said to her?
I think your sil is just very vary of you and the closeness of your family, jealousy is a horrible trate and i think she has is badly x

yes I am thinking of getting rid of my facebook account because I hardly use it anyway. But I do think it is odd though. I won't speak to my friend as she obviously thought it was me blowing the whole thing up and that SIL was just being friendly sending the request. However, I think it strange she would send someone she has met once and is the oldest friend of the SIL who she doesn't get on with a friendship request. It seems very strange to me.

after re reading your post my quess is she told you something personal, then regreted her desision to do so. in order than to protect herself she turned it back on you, trying to undo your close family ties in order to make her insecure self feel better...this women obvioulsy has problems stemming from years ago, she would feel threatened by the relationship you had with your brother and in order to be the number one in your brothers life she is causing the rift between you. I think your parents should help your brother to see what has happened, and to be honest i would trust your dad if he didnt say those things, maybe one day they can see her for who she really is. You have a great life, concentrate on that...sil is just using facebook to piss you off, ignore it...

thankyou for spending the time to read all that and reply. That was my take on it too. I don't think I reacted with enough empathy or delicacy at the time but I was drunk too.

I hope one day she slips up and everyone sees her for what she is. But part of me wants our family to be close again like we used to be. I am really lonely myself. I know my Dad didn't say those things but obviously it came from somewhere and I think my brother said to her that I was difficult etc (I'm not but had a hard time during my pregnancy and thats when she first knew me and that's how I was then).

I do still feel bitter. I also feel the facebook stuff is irrelevant. I'm just going to delete my account at some point. But I do feel a bit strange in her sending my friend a friendship request (she hasn't sent me one!!) In fact I feel she has slipped up there because she is totally charming to me when she sees me (always with my family around so noone can see what she is like in my opinion).

You posted the same thing 4 months ago.
Has anything changed?

Ignore the Facebook twaddle.

If she is a dysfunctional person in my experience even when you try and act in the best interests people just twist it and you just can't win with people like that.

I would also speak to your siblings/parents and don't bring her into it but just say you miss feeling close and was wanting to spend more regular quality time with them. Don't bitch or criticise her at all and see what a response you get.

Good luck.

frisbyrat - only the facebook thing.