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He left me for a man!!!!

18 replies

tetti · 17/10/2008 11:08

God!Yes,that's right,him up there!

I met a wonderful guy 8 months ago(having been single for some time after coming out of a terrible 13 year long relationship with the father of my child).
He was totally amazing,couldn't believe my luck.He treated me like a princess,he made me laugh,and we had absolutely everything in common.I introduced him to my child after we'd been dating for 5 months,and they got on like a house on fire,everything was great!
For the first time in my life I felt like I'd met someone who I could actually see myself spending the rest of my life with,had he asked to marry me,I would have(and that's ALOT to say for someone like me who's always been anti marriage!)

But,and here comes the big but..he grew up in a very religious family.^ years ago though he decided to leave church as he questioned his faith,and he became a bit of a player and party animal.But deep down he struggle with living a life that his faith would condemn(and I didn't know that until very recently!)
I was his first love and this was his first proper relationship,before me he'd jump ship after 2-3 weeks,just sleeping around basically.

But,meeting me made him realise that he wanted to make something of his life(I have achieved alot from just sheer determination,and after seeing how I changed my life around,from not knowing what I wanted to do in life,to starting my own business,doing a degree etc),well it inspired him to try and do the same,achieve his dreams.
Sounds great,yeah,but it made him think about his life as a whole,and he felt that the church had left a massive void in his life,and that in order to be happy,he'd have to return to being a committed christian again!(a life that I cannot be part of,I am pretty much an atheist,a single mum with a child born out of wedlock..that's not in his words,but it doesn't take a genius to work out that this would be frowned upon.I mean,his sibling married,and only kissed their spouse before getting hitched,unmarital sex is very frowned upon)
I also know his family put great pressure on him returning to church.They pretended they had to attend some ceremony for a family friend,when in fact it was more of an intervention for him to join the church again!What can I say?????

I just feel kinda angry now though,just wondering what was real and what wasn't!
How can you switch off your feelings just like that???I just don't get it....
Had he been unfaitful or if we'd been bickering,then fine,it would have been easier to deal with.
But being dumped for church???
He cannot help how he feels,so what gives me the right to be angry with him (?) one part of me feels,but the other part of me just feels used and cheated..

I'm just giving some advice now,if you are NOT religious,don's start dating a man who is,or used to be very dependant on church,it just won't work!!!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 17/10/2008 11:13

If you were meant to be together her wouldn't have returned to the church. It is sad for you but he obviously wasn't bonded to you the way you were to him.
FWIW I really don't think that any benevolent, kind God would have a problem with a decent hard-working, loving woman just because she had a child outside marriage. Mind you I don't have much time for prescriptive, dogmatic religions.
You are better off without him.

Brangelina · 17/10/2008 11:27

I understand where you're coming from, my exbf was a Moonie, we were getting along fine until he went to a church meeting and his "mentor" or whatever they're called told him I was a sinful woman and that he should go for one of their mail order brides.

Now I look back on it and just think I had a lucky escape. At the time I felt quite devastated but now I'm with someone much more on my wavelength I realise that he was not for me.

BTW, we don't know that God is a man.

tetti · 17/10/2008 11:34

Lol,no,we don't:-)

To Carmenere,well,God prevented him to bond to me the same way,there is now way that he could be with someone who's an atheist,just like a practicing muslim for eg would not consider marrying a christian.I didn't like religion very much before,and now I def think of it as some form of brainwashing.

Once his family found out about me,that he actually had a relationship that could potentially become very serious,then they prob thought they needed to act NOW before he got into my evil atheist clutches!!(ehm,can you tell I'm feeling a bit peeved off at them mo?Yesterday I couldn't stop crying,today I'm just mad!!!!!)

OP posts:
Liffey · 17/10/2008 16:36

I really feel for you. I once went out with a Spanish guy who wanted to be a priest. ffs. He was sucked in by this crowd called los legionarios de Cristo. and I'll never forget how they made me feel like the baddie somehow. They made me feel slutty, even though I wasn't.

I don't know what to say to you except I feel really bad for you. I think, like you, that a person can have a faith and a normal life. And to me at least, it seems like a sort of cowardice or immaturity to hide behind this, and duck out of normal life.

This was the first guy you met after your relationship broke down. I'm still waiting for that! at least you have one under your belt now. first time lucky might have been unlikely.

I also had a gay boyfriend once. Well he turned out to be gay. THat's what I thought you meant actually!!

Liffey · 17/10/2008 16:42

ps, I'm not surprised you're feeling so confused. What sort of church doesn't allow you to have a girlfriend!? whose business is it if your relationship is sexual or not! As if a regular priest or vicar would ever ask! It must be quite a strange church.

At least back in 1990 when my then boyfriend was struggling with his conscience, to be a priest you can not have a girlfriend, so that made it clearer to me.

But just to be a member of a church!! Why would he have to cut you off? even though you have a child out of wedlock, christians forgive (not that you need forgiveness!!) but from their perspective I mean. ANd who is to say that you wouldn't have ended up married, a union blessed by God!?!?!?

You need more answers from him I think.

wannaBe · 17/10/2008 17:00

was he the guy from

this thread?

I had a friend who did this. She is devoutly religious, to the point that she told me to pray for forgiveness for having sex with my now dh before marriage. . She had a boyfriend and apparently when things became physical she ended the relationship. We live in different countries so I only heard the story from a mutual friend, but when I spoke to her she said that she'd ended it because he'd "come between me and god." it is therefore hardly surprising that she's 35 and still single.

tetti · 17/10/2008 20:28

No,he's not the guy from that thread:-),that was the rebound fling(an entirely different story!).But yes,it's strange that I happened to meet two guys linked to church!!!(I do pick them,don't I?)

It seems to be the way for many guys who leave church,that they go wild when it comes to women and partying,all the things that has been"forbidden" before.Then one day they start feeling guilty about it all(as the result of years of brainwashing as I see it)
Of course it can be good to have faith,but in some cases people let religion totally dominate their lives.
I used to think that it was possible for a non believer to be with a religious person,but now I'm not soo sure,well,not if the other person is almost fanatically religious!Am trying to make sense of it all,but I can't,the world of religion is just a foreign one to me!

OP posts:
Liffey · 17/10/2008 22:43

But does he want to be a man of the cloth?

Relationships, serious monogomous relationships are allowed aren't they? Unless he is going to be a priest!?

tetti · 18/10/2008 08:17

Yeah,but ONLY with a religious partner,geddit???????If you're totally devoted to god,you simply cannot get involved with a non believer(ie,a sinner),well,unless that person is willing to become a convert,and I sure as hell would never consider that,not for anyone.

OP posts:
revjustabout · 18/10/2008 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liffey · 18/10/2008 11:02

Oh right. Poor you Tetti. He sounds sucked in to a group of fruitcakes really. And I say that as a semi-christian (if there is such a term!, I go to church and was brought up c of e) You go to church and nobody demands to know what you're thinking! who you're seeing! It's all very private. You are answerable to yourself really. He's chosen to make life very hard for himself. Unless he needs the restrictions and the security and the limitations this religion places on him. This, sadly, is his comfort zone. They say sometimes children of abusive fathers marry abusive men..

I think an adult who hides behind religion to such an extent (and I don't mean a priest or a vicar eg, who is at the centre of a community, helping people, socialising etc) is terrified of himself.

Not much consolation, but he would have hidden behind something else at some point.

glitterfairy · 18/10/2008 11:23

Big message in this is to leave religion alone! if you are an atheist try and stick to having a relationship with a non believer!

One of my boyfriends turned to God after me and wrote and told me I was the daughter of satan. My dad cried with laughter it was his favourite letter ever! My X now goes to church and sings in the choir and is a complete hypocritical twat!

I would have a vetting process now and ask about religion first!

spookycharlotte121 · 18/10/2008 13:44

I wouldnt see religion as a bad thing as the one your bf was part of seems extreemly strict. I used to go to church on a regular basis and when I fell pregnant at 18 I was worried that I would not be accepted there anymore but the people there were more than helpful and very supportive to me. There are some people in the congrigation who throw dirty looks at me because I have 2 children but the vicar himself has openly welcomed me into the church and has made it clear that its not a problem for me to continue going. It is frowned upon in religion for women to have children outside of marriage but this is a pretty much normal occurance now a day so I think that your bf was a bit of a weirdo for leaving you just because of that. You have proved your not some hussy who got pregnant off a one night stand and have moved on like you said to be very sucessful. If he cant see that your a great catch then your better off without him. Perhaps he will come to his senses. I just wanted to assure you that if you ever get with someone who is religios in the future that were not all fruit loops!

Liffey · 18/10/2008 17:32

Glitterfairy, that sounds like mental illness! Writing to tell somebody they are the daughter of Satan. Wow!! Frame that letter. That is definitely a story to tell your daughter in 20 years time when she's having normal men problems!! That'll make her laugh.

In defence of 'normal organised religions' I don't think any of them would condone sending hate mail!

Some nutters are drawn to religion and they definitely give it their own interpretation to meet their own needs.

glitterfairy · 18/10/2008 17:38


Men go to pieces when I finish relationships with them! LOL

Liffey · 18/10/2008 18:05

True Charlotte, the church I go to as a single mother (having had my dc1 out of 'wedlock') all the people could not be friendlier. NObody, least of allthe vicar has done anything other than make me feel welcom and supported.

A religion that makes people feel crap, or like the daughter of Satan!!! that's not one of the main religions I'm guessing!

revjustabout · 18/10/2008 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tetti · 18/10/2008 21:49

Yeah,the church he belongs to is not catholic or Church of England(it is christian,but ,oh,how can I describe it?like an extreme offspring maybe!)
They condone relationships with any person who doesn't belong to their faith,and any intimate relationships before marriage are totally against their beliefs.

I'm just soo disappointed in him at the moment,I almost feel used.I mean,he slept around for years after he left church,and I was the first woman that he actually had a proper relationship with,the first woman he fell in love with and loved.
Ehm,or so he says....But I just don't get it,because if you truly do love someone,come on,that person would be more important to you than your faith,or wouldn't it???Or then again,maybe not,what do I know about his religion and how his mind works.I wasn't brought up with those beliefs,so I just cannot get my head around it.

Yes,I do know people who go to church,but they are pretty much just like me,not fanatical!
My ex's(ex???,that feels soo strange to say) whole family live their lives through the church,all their friends belong to church,many of them even work for the church,and so it goes on..

You know,when I do start dating again(and believe me,that won't be for the foreseeable future,I've had enough of men for some time now,it would have to be someone totally incredible for me to reconsider quitting my newly celibate status,ta very much!(wink)...well,when I do feel ready for that,then the first thing I'm gonna ask is"Are you religious?Oh,you are???Bye honey!!!!"t

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