How do you - if you indeed ever do, reconcile your feelings towards the OW, your X & your DC?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

OW is a person whom XH was with before we split up (it came to light some moths after we split but he'd been seeing her for a while) she is in essence (althou not the only reason granted, but she is a big factor in why he left.
XH & I have always maintained we wanted to meet the respective partners, and both want to see how they interact with DS. but my feelings somewhat have changed for this.

XH initially started trying to be controlling and intimidating about the issues.

The longer this is going on (as in me thinking about things) the more i'm starting to think, I can't handle watching her (the woman who split the family unit up) walking off with MY (ok ours but you know what I mean) my DS, to play happy families with him.

i'm actually quite upset about it, as for her/XH - I don't care, but I can't stand the thought of her/them playing happy families with my son.

I'm with someone new, who's lovely, he's said he has no interest in meeting XH but XH is quite insistent, DP says he will, but only for me, and if XH shows me some respect. (not likely - why change the habit of 8 years! lol)

anyhow, there's also the angle of, neither XH or I have any rights over who the other goes out with, nor do we have any rights on the partners who is involved with DS's life - althou we've both said would only introduce if it was serious. (DP has met DS once for an hour to play football in the park - but he's forgotten as soon as he met him iycwim) DP & I are relatively serious anyhow.

I'm not too sure what i'm asking really. as long as DS is happy I am, it's gonna be hard enough listening to him telling me how great she is

I think that what you are worrying about is completely natural and understandable. You are right, in that you have little say over who your exh sees, and if he has been with the ow for some time and they seem relatively stable, then there probably isn't a reason for her not to be introduced to your ds...However, this is SO hard to get your head round in practice.

In my case, the gf was introduced gradually (as per your football example). Now, my ds sees her when he sees his dad, but he doesn't really acknowledge her iykwim. My ds loves his dad, and the gf is just someone who happens to be there sometimes. She may turn out to be fun and (hopefully!) kind, but you will always be his mummy.

I find that it is best not to ponder them all having lovely family time, and I have not had to see her collect my ds - can your exh not pick him up as normal (alone) and spend time with the gf when he's collected him? I actually dread bumping into them all when they have my ds for a day, and I try to stay away from areas where I think they might go. This is probably not a long-term sensible solution but it works for us at the moment!

that might be an idea yes. it's so hard to get your head around - any tips? lol.

Could you consider actually meeting the OW for a coffee or something one to one? It sounds like you've moved on - as in you're happy with your DP - but I know that however rational you know you should be, it's much harder in practice (13 years since split with my ex, a re-marrriage and 2 more DCs, I still get LIVID when I think about the witch my ex-DH was seeing when we were together - completely ridiculous, I know).

But maybe if you could actually talk to her, get to know her a bit, see if you could actually like her as a person, it would be easier to deal with the thought of her looking after your DS? You'd be a bigger person than most of you could manage it, but it's one solution.

tbh hassle I have absolutely no desire to know her as a person, or in any other capacity.

I know i'm going to have to rise above it all for DS's sake but just lately i'm having protective mummy syndrome towards him! (prob cos XH is taking him away for a week on monday to his mothers)

perhaps all my dealing should remain with XH and not bother with her pass the time of day if we have to but otherwise not bother? then again XH is defiantly going to want to meet DP esp if DP ends up moving in or something?