HOW do I stop obsessing and then getting upset about this stuff ??

[IllegallyBrunette]

I have been single now for well over 2 years. In alot of ways, I am doing so much better now than I was back then and am generally a stronger person.

However, the one thing, that can still reduce me to tears is the fact that I am alone and likely to be for the forseeable future.

To me this marks me out as a failure, although I don't really know why I think this.

If anything this fear and loathing at being alone has gotten worse since the split and definatly no better. Without wanting to sound big headed, at the time of the split it never even entered my head that i'd still be single now. If you'd of asked me how long i thought i'd be single for i'd have said 6mths-1 year.

It is getting to the point where even talking to someone about their happy relation ship brings a lump to my throat and I find myself avoiding talking to them. I am happy for them, but it hurts so much to hear about how happy they are, and makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't have some of that happiness.

I am constantly being told that I will meet someone when the time is right etc etc, and I know people only mean well, but the reality is, that they don't know this, and there is every chance that I won't ever meet anyone.
Three female relatives of mine in their 40's and 50's are single and have been for years and years, so that could easily be me.

So, is there anything I can do at all, to change my thinking on this ?? I am sick of feeling so down about not having the future I really want, that it is wrecking the life I do have now.

IB, I know how you feel I was in the exact same frame of mind earlier this year... felt really down, all my friends getting married and I kept thinking 'why me, why am I the only one left?'
Fast forward six months I feel so much better about things, life is definitely looking up.
What helped me was a) a promotion at work b) a fling with an internet man
c) time healing the pain of my previous relationship

Sounds like you doing all the right things-- it is far better being single than in a crap relationship and it's only a matter of time before you find Mr right, I am sure!

Oh and I just looked at your profile and you are properly gorgeous, amazing skin and eyes. You just need to get out there a bit more and someone will fall on your lap I am sure!

Being single is great! It really is! If you doubt this, spend some time on the relationship threads, reading about all the violent abusers, , the misogynistic control freaks, the unwashed pissheads, the cocklodgers who do nothing around the house apart from whine for sex, the liars and lunatics and losers, and think how lucky you are to be free of all that.

And then if you do date or take up with a man, remember all the horrors out there and don't settle for any old knobend just in order to be NOt SIngle.

Thanks for the advice, and compliments, you are all too kind

There are things about being single that I like, and I would actually find it hard to be in a relationship again after such a long time on my own, but I still almost crave it.

The problem that I cannot overcome is going out, and even though I know that this is a huge barier to me meeting anyone, I still cannot get over it.

I watched that programme 'would like to meet again' the other week, and they had this guy on who was really really shy. They took him to a pub and asked him to walk through it and just smile at and say Hi to a girl, and he couldn't do it.
I know how he felt, because I couldn't of either. This guy and the presenter then sat outside this pub looking through the window, and the guy was asked what he thought when he looked in there and saw all these people, talking, having a laugh and a drink etc, and he said that it seemed like it was a completely different world, one that he wasn't part of.

That is exactly how I feel about it.

it seems youre looking too far ahead - hitting the same brick wall - then saying arghh ( or is it ouch?)! again.
it stands to reason you wont meet mr right if you dont cross paths with him - so you just have to wander the right ones.
and i do get the same lonesome feelings now and then. i'd love to spend life with someone who shares my loves/passions/interests etc.
and theres no need for feeling low about it all, ive read a ramble or two of yours now and then and smiled would happily take you to the pics or for a bite to eat if i was a bit nearer

my spa day was free, it was an open day and I assumed the persona of a yummy mummy with loads of cash who wanted to join their gym ...

Thanks SDO3

I am really going to try and just stop thinking about it and stop posting about it, as I am sure you are all sick of me moaning on, I know I am.

being single is ok nutty, in fact i think in many ways it makes you stronger

you lack confidence and opportunities to meet men, but that will all slowly change once you start work in a couple of weeks, i promise.

what you have to do though, is say yes when you are asked out through work, whether its for 30 mins or the whole evening, it's the only way you are going to be able to expand your social circle, get to know other people and increase your self confidence

No, not sick of it at all - just would like to see you feeling a bit happier about it all.

You are a truly lovely-looking woman, plus you are much stronger and more sorted than you think you are. There is no way on earth that you are going to be single forever. No way. I will actually bet you proper money on that if you want

BUT - you do have confidence/self-esteem issues that are stopping you from making the most of your life as it is right now. You said it all in the last line of your OP - you are so focused on what you don't have that it's ruining your ability to enjoy what you do have. I've been there, honestly - won't go into details now - I do know what it's like to want some 'ideal future' so badly that it stops you from enjoying the here and now.

Try and forget about the whole single/couple issue. All of it. Tell yourself that it is irrelevant to you right now - you have a new job and a home and a family to concentrate on and the rest can wait. Tell yourself you have enough going on without the extra hassle of trying to start and maintain a relationship! Then slowly start to think about expanding your social circle through work etc, and let the rest follow. Which it will - in the end.

So, wanna make that bet?

not sick of it all either, tho would agree with lou and snaf.
the trouble is being stuck at home with the kids does wear you down and the whole self esteem/confidence lark goes with it.
but you do at last have an escape to look forward to - even if it is called work. that alone will be an incredible boost in many ways, you'll feel loads better acheiving more than you are now. and from what it sounds like you'll be doing, you'll have a far better social life too. it really will do you good - and you'll have more money
and the longer youre there the better people will get to know you - not the mum of three, but you. then who knows. from what i recall, 60% of people meet their partners thru work. is a pity theres only me and my boss where i am ...and all those bloody leaves...grrr...i used to love the autumn, now i just see leaves sitting there in the trees waiting to fall so i have to clear them up...arghhh!!! ( i need to get out more)

How do I do that SDOF?

No babysitters, no family, no best mate and no one to help out last minute. Can't meet anyone thru work as I work 4 hrs a week and don't talk to no one. I even tried going for a job at the DD2 school last week. But they know I'm alcoholic, so they turned me down flat.
I feel for you IB. I LOVE being single. I can do what I want, when I want...but there comes a time (when I'm a bit drunk) and wanting a bit of hugging.
I'll, however, bet money that you find someone soon IB. You are a beautiful woman. Lovely smile, nice eyes...a man will fall for that one day.

Patience is a virtue babe

I keep telling that to myself and I've been single 8 bloody years!!!