How do you split childcare with your ex?

[mocca]

I'd be interested to know from those of you who share childcare with your ex/kids' dad, how you split the responsibility. And of course to hear from any dads!

Is your relationship with your ex amicable? I don't know how unusual my situation is, but we share the responsibility almost 50/50 - I have our daughter aged 8 during the week and he has her virtually every weekend (there is flexibility in our arrangement too).

We live close to eachother by design and our child seems very happy. My ex lives with his girlfriend and I'm in a serious relationship but we don't live together. But I wonder sometimes whether I should be doing more as the mother - my family go on about it all the time. I'm perfectly happy with the situation as I need time for myself but sometimes I feel selfish.

tbh, I think that if your DD is spending "virtually every weekend" with your ex, you probably are missing out a little.

My stepsons live 50% at their mother's and 50% with us, but they are here every Tuesday and Wednesday, and every weekend Friday-Monday, and there is a massive difference in the quality of the time we spend together at the weekend and during the week.

I think that depends on if you work or are a SAHM. If you are home every day and have her all the holidays then every weekend with her dad, if you are ok with that, seems ok. If you don't get to do the weekend stuff at other times (like school hols) then maybe you are missing out, but if you reduce weekends with her dad then she will miss out on that time too.

Also - By every weekend do you mean he picks her up at school on friday and drops her back there on mionday, or do you mean has her from saturday morning to sunday afteroon. The first being 3 overnights a week the second being 1 overnight a week. Both 'weekends' but in relaity a lot of difference in the amount of time spent with the other parent.

I wouldn't worry about what other people think, you should be more concerned with what is best for your child and what she wants.

I am now fairly amiable with my ex. The DS's see him once a fortnight - so I stlll get to spend time at the weekends with all 3 of them. At the moment he has the one night (picking up Saturday morning) bringing back Sunday evening) one weekend, and then a fortnight later will have them 2 nights (picks up at 5ish Friday - drops back Sunday evening). Although this will hopefully soon be going to 2 nights every time he has them.

Now he's living in a "child friendly" shared house he will also hopefully be having them for a few days during each of the holidays too

I think if it works for you and your DD then don't worry about what others say/.

Xh and I have a pretty amicable relationship but it's not possible to split the childcare 50/50 as he lives 25 miles away from me and ds and doesn't drive.

So, ds goes to his every weekend and we alternate whether he goes for one night or two. Ds is only 5 and I feel that he is still quite young to be spending more than two nights away from home. The arrangement's pretty flexible, though, to account for weekend birthday parties etc. It usually works quite well.

In all honesty, I wish it could be a little less 'formal' - it would be great if xh hadn't moved away and the childcare could be shared more - he could do school pick-ups etc, overnights during the week even - but it's just not feasible due to distance.

I miss ds at the weekends and do sometimes feel as if I'm not ever getting the 'quality time' - I would like to have the opportunity to do 'weekend stuff' with him rather than just the weekday routine. I am 'boring mummy' who chases him up to get dressed for school etc, while daddy is 'fun daddy' who takes him places Xh and I do sometimes take him out together though, which works well most of the time!

Overall, we are pretty content, though. I have to admit it is nice for me to have free time at the weekend to pursue a social life, too. Plus I can sometimes work at the weekend and then have more time for ds during the week.

Everyone has their own arrangements. You have to do what works for your family and not worry about anyone else. If the kids are happy, that is the main thing - nothing else really matters.

DS spends alternate weekends with his dad (from Friday to Monday), and Wednesday nights.

Ex takes him to school on Mon, Tue, Thurs & Friday and I collect him on those days. On wednesdays, I take him to school and ex collects.

I'm very happy with this arrangement, DS get to see both of us every day and we both are able to do interesting things with DS during the weekends. I also think this arrangement is beneficial for the parents. It has given both of us the oportunity to have some time off on the weekends in order to go rebuild our lives.

Interesting thread, particuarly because the issue of 'how much time is healthy?' is on my mind alot.
Like you, my ex is very keen. He sees DD one overnight in the week, plus saturday bedtime til monday morning. He also has her one full weekend a month ( i.e, fri-mon) plus occasional holidays. I wouldn't say it was 50/50, as I still do the bulk of pick ups/drop offs etc, but its most certainly around 40% of her time.
We both work full time, so I never actually have a 'full' weekend with DD, only fri nights and all day Saturday. In saying that though, I am in education, so spend most of the 13 weeks holiday with her.
I am always worrying that I don't spend enogh time with her- see some of my other threads. I worry that people will think I am not a natural mother for allowing DD to go to her dads so often, or that I am selfish for persuing a social life during those times. My family son't say anything negative, but I worry nonetheless. My other fear ( and I do have grounds) is that exp will eventually try to get residency of DD, despite the arrangement working at the moment.

Others on mn have advised, as they are advising you, that if your child is happy, and you and exp have no reason to contest the current arrangement, then I would carry on as you are.

Very interesting for me to read all your replies - I especially resonate with you Pingu as I have the same concerns. I assume your DD is very happy but wonder why you're concerned about her father getting residency.

Would you like to spend more time with her if you could? You see, I don't really feel that way because I feel the balance is right for me currently. And as I've been advised, try not to worry about what other people think.

Mocca- there are are a myriad of control issues with my exp- too numerous to mention, but basically, having my DD live with him and new woman, would make their 'family' complete (she has a child too) and she appears threatened by me, would like to cut me out of the 'equation', I very much feel.

I guess I do feel happy enough in myself with our arrangement, but it's too soon for me to say if DD is. She is only 16mo, and although appears contented, wouldn't be able to tell me if she wasn't. She hasn't really known any other way though, so who knows?
It's tough isn't it?

x

There isn't a set pattern to when my boys see their dad as he does shift work. We are very amicable though, and he sees the boys when he can. He had them Mon & Wed for tea this week, then had them overnight last night & again tonight. Next week he is on early turn, so won't have them overnight at all, although will have them for tea a couple of nights. When he is on lates, they don't get to see him at all.
He takes them quite a bit & the boys love going to daddy. It works well for us.

Sorry about the new woman Pingu but I hope your exp can deal with her insecurities. Doesn't seem like there are any grounds at all for him to try and get residency.

And I think it's good that your DD has always been used to this arrangement - I'm sure she'll thrive on it.