Advice please

[Daisy79]

I have posted here once about my ex-h lack of visits to children since we split in July.

He is in the forces and before July was away for 4 months and was only home in that time a couple of weekends. We split up the weekend he came home so he was gone again and went to stay at his dad's 250 miles away. He has seen the children 3 times since for the weekend, but only during the day 9am-6pm latest. Last time he was here he dropped them off at 5pm becuase he wanted to watch football!

He has offered to come up to look after them overnight when I go to Leeds for a friends's 30th birthday. Which I am grateful of but yesterday he text me to say he is going to take them to haven for the weekend whilst I am there which I wasnt sure about so told him. He has now gone off on one saying I dont trust him.....etc

DD1 is 5 DD2 is 3, he has never ever had them on his own for a full weekend and to be honest I dont know if he has ever had them overnight on his own and the protective parent in me worries!

Deep down I know he would be fine with them but I feel like I need to lay some ground rules, like bed no later than 10.30ish whist there. Make sure he goes everywhere with them, and I mean everywhere. Dont let dd1 go off because she is older and acts more grown up now.

Some of my doubts have been put in my head by my mum which wasnt helpful of her as now they are in my head!

Am I just being too overprotective? Honest opinions please!

I don't think that you are being over-protective. You are the dc's primary carer and you, on a practical level, know them best.

If you think, though, that they would enjoy a trip to Haven with their dad then I think maybe you should speak to him again, tell him that he caught you off-guard and that you are sure that the children would be safe and happy with him, but that you would like to go over some things with him first. Maybe you could email him an idea of their routines, and habits, and add in there about safety etc...

To be honest, he may have taken your reaction as an indication that you don't trust him with your dc (which you probably don't wholly, if he has been away so much). If you want him to maintain some kind of relationship with your dc, though, it might be best to try to make this trip workable.

Will he have any company on the holiday? The only other safety issue I can think of (sorry!) is having 2 small children in the pool on your own...Will he manage that? My exh left our ds with a stranger in the pool on his own whilst he went to buy him some new armbands once...! Has not happened since though!

I think that you have to trust your instincts, and nod in the right places when your mum raises doubts (I have a mum like this too, and it is very hard!).

Good luck!

I would be concerned as two small children in such a place would be a handful. As a compromise does he have someone in hus family more exp with kids (his mum maybe?) who could go with him and help out. Sell it to him as a positive, not that you think he can't cope, but say 'they are a handful at the best of times and if they are at a haven park they will be so excited you might need a hand for your own sanity?'

Thanks for the replies, I think you are right about him catching me off guard I eally wasnt expecting it so soon. As for having someone to go with, he hasnt. He doesnt see his mum and I doubt very much that his dad would go with him, and his dad hasnt got any experience with young kids either as he didnt bring DH up at all.

My main concerns are the pool, as neither child is confident in water or can swim yet. They will have armbands and maybe I should give them their rubber rings just to be on the safe side.

They are good kids and pretty well behaved for me, but I cant garantee that they wont play DH up. I took them away in august to a haven site on my own for a week and managed it but it was hard work and I took the kids home most evenings by 9pm because you cant go to the bar to get drinks on your own, they constantly need taking to the toilet all evening and you have to watch the like a hawk.

I meant to say I am concerned about the evenings out as well, disco etc and the girls do love all that