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Help please

11 replies

tessofthedurbervilles · 07/10/2008 11:11

Am 7 weeks pregnant and the father has dumped me 'regardless of what I decide' to enable me (in his words) to make an informed decision.....
I have support from family and friends but I know that will only go so far, the rest of the time I am alone.
Where do I start finding out where to go for help and what I am entitled to? I had to ask my dr if the father has a right to be informed of the scan please!

OP posts:
Witchybella · 07/10/2008 11:31

Sending you a hug. Dont think I can be much help and I am sure someone will come along with some advice.

look on website

And you will be entitled to family tax credits,working tax.

gillybean2 · 07/10/2008 13:43

Are you working? Do you have a mortgage or are renting? Are you itending to have this baby even if it is alone? Will your ex be involved to any degree (ie does he want to be at the scans and will he put his name on teh birth certificate and accept Parental Responsibility by doing that)?

I went through most of my preganncy alone (he told me that if i kept the baby there was no chance of our relationship continuing, but if i got rid then there was a chance things would work out for us...)

It is tough, no doubt on that one. But you can do it and the rewards of being a parent far outweigh the bad stuff most of the time too.

Keep strong
best wishes

tessofthedurbervilles · 07/10/2008 14:35

Thank you. I work for him at the moment but was offered a new job today. I am hoping that I can work as far as I can, take as much time as I can afford off then go back. I own a house with my ex husband - its been for sale for a year and a half and we can't sell it so I am not entitled to much and 'daddy' is self employed and hides his money in matresses.....its a mess but its not my baby's fault so I will do the best job I can.

OP posts:
Liffey · 07/10/2008 16:56

Don't put his name on the birth cert. You will be handing over power to a man who is a virtual stranger. Include him in the child's life if he proves he's a good father. By the way, congratulations on your pregnancy!! .

tessofthedurbervilles · 07/10/2008 17:19

he has two kids already and looks after them as his ex is a mess. He is too busy and owes it to his existing kids to give mine anytime.
am going to go it alone and keep him away but I am really unsure on what his rights are and if he can enforce them in anyway?

OP posts:
goingbonkers · 07/10/2008 22:56

My Ex-Git left me at 10wks so can totally understand how you're feeling.

I had (and still have) a huge amount of support from friends and family and my DD's dad stopped contact when she was 11 months old. He has never paid any maintenance.

I chose not to put Ex on birth cert as this would give him parental responsibility. If he had proved himself to be 'responsible' i would have considered adding him to it at a later date but he acted like a total plonker and I'm so glad I made that decision.

Is the new job within the same company? Be aware that if you are moving to a completely new company you may not get the same maternity pay benefits (ie company maternity pay). This may have changed since I was pregnant tho? (4 yrs ago)

Def check out

I contacted my local council for advice about housing and benefits and got some information from the midwife at my local surgery. Do you live in the house you are selling? Not sure what happens when it comes to mortgages and benefits???

If you plan to go back to work after some maternity leave you will receive tax credits if you work 16 hours or more. I found it financially pointless to work under 16 hours as they reduce your income support when you're earning and only allow you to keep £20 a week of your earnings as a pat on the back! You will also get child benefit regardless of your income/circumstances. It's about £19 a week. You may also qualify for upto 80% of childcare costs back through tax creds if you do decide to return to work after mat leave.

Sorry - that all sounds quite confusing, but in short, there is help out there, it is do-able and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you luck. Concentrate on you and your bump - it's a wonderful and exciting time so try to enjoy it!


goingbonkers · 07/10/2008 23:06

PS. As for him having a right to know about scans etc, I don't think he does. I did tell my ex about them but he was out of the country at the time. He wanted to be at the birth but I said no. I felt he lost that right when he walked away. It's my body and I wanted my experience of childbirth to be as positive and stress free as possible. I assured him he would be the first to know when she was born and was true to my word. I did consider having him on the birth certificate but for lots of reasons to protect myself and my DD I decided against it. You can add the father at a later date but you can;t have it removed.


Sawyer64 · 07/10/2008 23:14

Second the don't put fathers name on Birth Cert. although if he doesn't attend the register office with you,you can't anyway.

Later on you may want,DC's name to be changed,and this makes it harder(more complicated)If he/she is the same name as you,you can change it if you get married later.

I was a single mum for 6 years,my DH and I split up when I was 12 weeks pregnant.I worked up until I was 8+ months Pregnant,but switched from being a Theatre Nurse to an Admin role.

I was on Income Support for 4 years until my DS went to school.I had help with my Rent,and had Milk Tokens,and I worked 1 saturday morning a month as I was only allowed to earn £15.00 a week(£60 a month)Don't panic this was in 1996!

I remarried in 2003,have since had 2 DD's,and DS has our "new" family surname,so he is the same as his sisters.

It is daunting at first,but you can manage.I used to pay all my bills by buying stamps at the post office( not sure they do that now,but must have an alternative)weekly,that way i never had big frigtening bills that I couldn't pay,I worked out what each cost me weekly and this money was set aside to buy the stamps from my weekly Income Support.What was left was spending money and food.

I also joined the local NCT group,although you don't have to be a member,and went to their "Bump n' Babes" meet ups to make friends.I went to (and still do!) their NCT Nearly New Sales,where I made money selling my DS old clothes and toys,and was able to buy all "new" things for him.Also good for Maternity clothes and Nursery stuff.

Surfermum · 08/10/2008 10:21

I would think hard about not putting him on the birth certificate.

Dh wasn't put on dsd's. It hasn't made any difference to his involvement with her. He was able to get a contact order, he was granted parental responsibility by the Courts, he is fully involved in her life. Not being on it made no difference to any "rights" if you want to look at it like that. He was still a great Dad regardless of whether his name was on a piece of paper or not.

But what we are now dealing with is the fall-out of him not being on it. It REALLY upsets her that her dad isn't on her birth certificate and she says it wouldn't make any difference if we got it changed now - the fact remains that he didn't go on it in the first place. It really matters to her.

Anngeree · 08/10/2008 14:37

I split from my xp when I was 5wks pregnant He's never played a role in ds's life (his choice not mine) he started paying maintainance when ds was 3:4 yrs but got fed up of that & hasn't gave me a penny since Apr this yr.

I was entitled to £500 sure start maternity grant as I was on a low wage (you can claim this any time after your 29th wk of pregnancy if on a low wage) or anytime after the birth up until the baby is 3mths old as you will only be getting maternity pay & classed as low waged by then.

I think maternity pay is around £117 pw you either get this from the company you work for or from DSS if you haven't worked the qualifying no. of wks before the 15th wk of pregnancy. You also get £18.80 a wk child benefit which is usually paid monthly this is increasing to £20 next yr. You'll also get around £60 child tax credit a week & you may be entitled to get working tax credit as your still classed as working when on maternity leave, although i'm not to sure how this works as I chose to give up work to bring up my son.

The best place to get advice on what your entitled to is Welfare rights service or citisens advice.

Xp isn't on ds's birth certificate but still had to pay CSA (when they caught up with him). Your entitled to 15% of partners wage via CSA if you choose to stay on benefits your allowed to keep £20 pw of whatever is paid before it's taken into account for housing benefit etc (new rules coming into force 27th this mth) currently i'm only allowed to keep £10 I don't see the rest.

I'm sure your also entitled to help with mortgage repayments while on maternity leave your midwife might be able to tell you this.

As for support I still get loads from my friends & family & ds is 5. Simple things like having a night in watching DVD so I can take ds with me instead of going out or while ds is at school meeting for lunch & of course my mam babysits whenever she can, You'll be suprised at how much people want to help.

It's up to you if you want the baby's father at the scan but you don't have to tell him.

Try to enjoy the pregnancy all the money matters will sort themselves out in time.

nobodyputsbabyinacorner · 08/10/2008 21:11

its true, money matters will sort themselves out, its just a couple of phone calls and forms and the ball is rolling. could you still work for him until you go on maternity leave, as someone said if you start new job now you may not be entitled to maternity pay. Whatever happens you will not starve and neither will your children and the dad of new baby has no rights if you dont want him to have any coz you are not married to him. Good luck, and thanks for advice on my post even though you are going through your own shit, i guess thats why so many mums on this site coz top people who really care xxx

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