Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Reporting violence more than a year on

10 replies

Liffey · 06/10/2008 17:40

OK. As per other thread my x is looking for residency of the chldren. He hasn't a chance my solicitor thinks, I'm going to see solicitor on Thursday.

My x was violent to me a number of times. At least 4 times he left marks on me, but his favourite was to pull my hair as that didn't leave a mark. On other occassions he kicked down the bathroom door when I was hiding in there. (I had my 3 yr old with me at the time).

If I reported this to the police now would I be laughed at. People told me to report it at the time and I didn't. As bad as he was, I felt sorry for him, that his life was in ruins and it was all his own doing. I finally found the courage to leave him, and for me, at the time, that seem enough. Reporting him to the police would have seemed like an unneccessary extra twist of the knife. it's hard to explain. I felt sorry for him. I know. Idiotic, and now I'm paying the price, because I've no proof of how violent he was. Although, I'm sure if the police interviewed our next door neighbours they would say they often heard me screaming

Has anybody any experience with reporting things a while after they've happened. Also, will the police think I'm only doing it so I have amunition against him? I mean, in a way that's true, because I would have let things lie until I got this letter from his solicitor saying he wants to take the children.

OP posts:

alice30 · 06/10/2008 19:54

Do you have any witnesses to marks he left on you? Family, friends etc? If so have them make written statements. Can your neighbours also make written statements to anything they heard? Does your GP have any of this recorded in your medical notes? All this would strenghthen your case and you would give these to your solicitor to be used in court

Hassled · 06/10/2008 19:58

I would see if your neighbours could write down a statement for you. And also if you write down everything you remember - dates, what happened when etc. - because I'm sure the more detail you have the more convincing it will seem. Good luck.

TurkeyLurkey · 06/10/2008 20:06

Hi Liffey. I agree with the other posters about trying to write down as much detail as you can before speaking to the police. Times/dates, any evidence such as bruising etc and who might have seen it/heard it. Is there any medical evidence? Your neighbours would be prety crucial too. Were any of your friends or family aware of what was going on or did you hide it from them?

Every Force should have a Domestic Violence Unit with specially trained officers to guide you through the process of reporting this. Remember they are duty bound to investigate and protect you. If they have enough evidence they will arrest him and interview him. Depending on how solid the evidence is depends whether CPS will take the case to court.

I would say firstly to ring your local police and ask to speak to the domestic violence unit for advice.

Hope that helps and good luck.

alice30 · 06/10/2008 20:19

If it's residency he's going for it will be a family court and the judge is intersted in what is best for the children. Was any violence in the presence of the children? Was he ever violent to the children? Has he a criminal record? Was he ever violent to any other women? Keep a diary & if you don't have one try & remember each time he was violent to you & write down exactly what happened. Women's Aid definitions of physical & emotional abuse may help jog your memory. Also make sure your solicitor is used to dealing with such cases & has good reputation

TurkeyLurkey · 06/10/2008 20:27

I agree with Alice, the police will not just be interested in physical violence, the police definition of domestic violene covers sexual, psychological and emotional abuse too.

Original poster

Liffey · 06/10/2008 22:05

Thanks everybody. I saw a domestic violence leaflet at the citizen's advice bureau, and I realised that apart from rape me, he did everything on the list.
I could never remember all the names he called me. But I have some e-mails that show how unbelievably nasty he is. ZOning in on my achilles heels and mocking me and things like that.

I do have some 'evidence'. My good friend knows what happened and she took a photo of my eye. She told me to go to the police though. Wish I had. It was hard though. I would have had to postpone my flight just to report the violence.

The only specific date I can rememebr is the morning I left him for good, because I know what date that was. Another time I know the month because I know I was 9 wks pregnant at the time.

I have written out everything I want my solicitor to say.

Yesterday I was thinking about 'forgiveness'. Today I am back to wanting to murder him.

OP posts:

alice30 · 06/10/2008 22:26

Really try & remember dates but even the month is good. I know what you're talking about re forgiveness & murder!I flit between these emotions regularly but at the end of the day he sounds like a nasty piece of work-just like my ex. There is no excuse for ANY kind of abuse. There is no reason to think that such a man will limit his violence to a female partner. The emails should help & the photo. Not reporting violence is very common & judges are aware of that. ANY evidence should help. Gather your evidence as soon as you can so that you are as prepared as you can be & ready for court

Original poster

Liffey · 07/10/2008 11:34

Right. I've done it. I phoned the UK police and they listened really patiently and kindly while I listed everything I could remember. I gave mostly months and years, such as oct 05. And I said things were at their worst between oct 05 and July 07 til I left. They are going to liaise with the police where I live now, who'll come and take a statement, and then when they have that, they'll go and tlak to him. He'll dney everything of course. He'll say I was on anti-depressants and mentally ill and that I am lazy, dirty, useless.... No way he is going to say, ok fair cop gov. So I feel nervous now.

For a second, when the police asked me his name, I almost bottled it. God knows what he might do now, if this ruins his chance of petitioning for residency maybe he'll go mad, kidnap them and drown them. I didn't think of that til I put downt he phone.

OP posts:

piratecat · 07/10/2008 11:38

bless you , well done, i am also realy glad the police were helpful.

Natural to be scared of repurcussions from ex.

good luck

glitterfairy · 07/10/2008 11:40

These things can be done retrospectively but I do understand how hard it is.

My X sexually assaulted me and when he broke into my house years later the police went through everything he had ever done with me. They asked if I wanted them to follow up the assault and I said no.

I am full of admiration that you have taken this step and know you will get support on here.

Flip