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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Father's Day for Single Mums

21 replies

Earlybird · 02/03/2005 15:43

DD (4.0) was happy and bubbly when I picked her up from school today because the children had spent the morning working on a "surprise" Mother's Day present for all their mums. She said without hesitating, "and then in a few weeks we'll make something for Father's Day". My heart sank, as her father has never been a part of our lives. There is also not a grandfather around for her to "substitute" when it comes time to make her gift along with the other children.

How do all of you with no fathers on the scene handle Father's Day? Any ideas for how I can talk to her about this so it isn't upsetting for her? It's never been an issue before, at least not in this way.

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alaughingcow · 02/03/2005 15:46

Some schools are so insensitive to this issue. W
When I was growing up my father wasn't around either and I don't remember fathers day even existing, I must've had teachers that were aware or something (maybe we didn't make things).

I'm sure if you speak to your dd's teacher and explain, she may offer for her to make another gift for you without embarrassing her in front of the class.

I hope something gets sorted and you don't end up feeling guilty, as some people can make you............

Aimsmum · 02/03/2005 15:47

Message withdrawn

nnosam · 02/03/2005 16:07

just an idea, why not surgest them doing something for grandad, saying something like " as you know you dont see your daddy so why dont you make something for my daddy (grandad)" that way they are still involed in farthers days and hopefully you dont have to many tears....

maisystar · 02/03/2005 22:37

hi earlybird

i hadn't though of this-will ask tomorrow when i take ds to pre school.

we go to a story/craft time at the library and we did a card for mothers day, they did mention that they would be doing one for fathers day and i just thought i would avoid that week, but obviously pre school/nursery is different.

clare1980 · 02/03/2005 22:47

the nusery my daughter used to go to didnt have fathers day they would make a card and it would just say i love you and a poem which was ok for mum or dad

nightowl · 02/03/2005 22:59

i like the idea of a card for grandad, a lot of people buy mothers/fathers day cards for grandparents anyway. so sad isnt it? (when is fathers day btw?) on these occasions i really feel like killing my ex..xmas, birthdays, fathers day. when i think of all the explaining i will have to do and how much my dd is going to be hurt i want to torture him! shes too young to know now thankfully but he will still get the card i send him..if only just to annoy him. on a brighter note, she spent a couple of hours at nursery this week when i took my computer course and when i picked her up "she" had made me a mothers day card...awwww!!! i had two daffs aswell. was so proud. (and i know she did it herself because she had orange paint on her fingernails ) shes 13months btw!!

maisystar · 02/03/2005 23:03

think it's sometime in june nightowl.

i can't remember what ds did last year at pre school, maybe he did one for grandad. i must remember to ask tomorrow.

Original poster

Earlybird · 02/03/2005 23:13

It's comforting to hear from others who didn't have fathers around, and to hear how you coped with the issue of Father's Day when you were children.

I like the idea of speaking to the school about having dd make something else for me. Or, I may ask dd who she'd like to make her gift for. We have a male relative (on another continent!) who we see on holidays. Also might ask my sister (childless by choice), if her hubby would be open to accepting a handmade card/item from dd - though obviously it wouldn't be made out to "daddy". But, I'll have to give it some more thought.

I know that at the moment dd is very matter of fact about "not having a daddy" - I'm proud of her, and it breaks my heart at the same time. However, as she gets older she realises that our family situation is not the same as most of her friends. I want to prepare her for the "alternative plan" for our "alternative family" so that she can continue to be matter of fact about things.

I'd love to hear any other suggestions from those of you who are single mums/lone parents, or those of you who were children yourselves without a father in the picture. Thank you so much for helping me navigate through this!

Hi to you too Maisystar, and hope you're doing well!

OP posts:

Caligula · 02/03/2005 23:21

Last year my DS's class drew pictures of their daddy's or any other special man in their life.

DS drew his then au-pair.

Aimsmum · 03/03/2005 10:10

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 03/03/2005 10:18

Father's day was only invented quite recently as another marketing opportunity for card makers!

It didn't really exist in England before; it started to be popularised when I was a child.

DickWhittingtonsCat · 03/03/2005 10:33

We went through this before ds was old enough to understand, as his Nursery was very big on arts and crafts. I remember that it seemed like a huge issue for me back then, but really really, we don't feel that way any more. My father is very involved as a grandfather, but sometimes ds deliberately makes a "father" card or gift for me instead. Actually, just as I have always bought myself a gift from ds on Mothers' Day (surely this is a task which a male partner would do and why deprive yourself just because you are single?) I always buy a gift from ds to me on Fathers' Day (why deprive yourself of the pleasure you would have had in choosing a present for your male partner?). There is a children's book called "My Dad is..." ISBN: 0750028890 which is a story about a little girl without any male relative who is told by her new teacher to write an essay about her Dad. She makes up various fictional stories about fantasy fathers which she throws away. Finally the teacher reads her story aloud to the whole class - she realizes that her Mum does all the things that other people's Dads do and writes an essay concluding "My Dad is ... my Mum". Earlybird, do you really have all your friends in unit families? One of the things I have realized over time is that our family unit is actually not at all uncommon. Even some of the married couples at school you slowly find out are living separately. I talk to ds in a matter of fact way about our divorced friends, widowed friends, unhappily married friends, families with various stepsiblings, and childless friends; he also used to have a friend at Nursery whom I came to know indirectly had "two mummies", and again I mentioned it to him casually. I'm sorry that it is still breaking your heart because I'm sure that you are doing a great paternal role yourself from what you normally write. I also think that if I have a partner in the future, I will need to be able to explain to him what taking on the role of father meant, ie some fraction of all the things that I have been doing anyway but in a masculine style.

Original poster

Earlybird · 03/03/2005 20:07

Thanks again for all your suggestions, and support.

DD spoke again tonight about "I don't have a daddy", so it's clearly on her mind. I asked her what she'd like to do when it was time to make a Father's Day gift at school. She was silent, so I said she could perhaps make another gift for me as I do most things a Father would do (thanks for that sensible and true suggestion, DWC). Or, I said she could make her gift for another special man she knew, and proceeded to name some relatives (including my sisters dh who I mentioned in the original post). I explained which men are cousins and which are uncles. DD then said she'd like to make her gift for my sisters' dh (good hunch on my part), and said "looks like it will be turning from Father's Day into Uncle's Day". Made me so happy that she has come to terms with this in her own way - with guidance from me, and support from the people who've responded to this thread. Thanks again for helping me find the balance for dd and myself.

And DWC, I'll try to locate the book you suggest as it sounds a good one for us.

OP posts:

maisystar · 03/03/2005 20:17

hi all

i asked ds's pre school what they would be doing for fathers day. they are going to make something but it can be for anyone they like. they said it will just be low key, ie like a normal craft activity at a table so the children that would like to make something can and those who don't want to don't have to iyswim.

earlybird, is your dd about the same age as my ds(4 and 4 months)??

Original poster

Earlybird · 03/03/2005 20:39

maisystar - Good move on your part to ask about the plans at school. Sounds as if your ds' school is sensitive to those who don't have a father around without making them feel awkward. Glad to hear it.

DD turned 4 two weeks ago, so our little ones are only a few months apart.

OP posts:

maisystar · 03/03/2005 20:44

thought they were about the same age

like your dd, ds is very matter of fact about not having a father. they will hae just as much fun making cards for their uncles

chloemummy · 04/03/2005 16:00

Hi Earlybird and Maisystar and amiesmum, I too have got a 4 year old. She was born in September 2000. She has also recently started asking about her daddy. Why have I not got a daddy. The way I handled it was to tell her she does have a daddy but he does not live with us and I showed her a picture. I have not thought about fathers day. I dont know if this helps.

mummy2006 · 05/04/2006 20:34

hi i am new to this site, 21 yrs with six months old daugter :)

SomethingAboutMary · 05/04/2006 20:43

I don't know if you have a brother earlybird but maybe she could make something for an uncle, or i like the idea of you asking her who she would like to make something for, i would talk to her & ask how she feels

singledad · 05/04/2006 20:45

Hey
Have never had any bother, although thinking other way round of course. Always made sure kids have mothers day cards and prezzies ready. She never seemed to bother tho, was left to my mum to sort stuff for fathers day, lots of choccies, mmm.

Nightynight · 05/04/2006 21:07

hello mummy2006

dx is v involved with children, but I hate all commercial card days, incl mothers day, so my children dont know about any of them!

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