i am so emotionally and physically tired after only a biref convo with ex dh yesterday

[piratecat]

been ill for weeks anyway. DD hasn't wanted to see daddy since may. He rang yesterday, we ended up talking for 11 mins, a record. He wants to see dd this weekend. Up till now she hasn't wanted to see him, or speak to him. long history of hm letting her down.

I havent 'filled in the gaps' for him for nearly a yr, ie givenhim any ideas owhat to do or how to handle it with her, becuase he never listened.

I did however say, 'why havent you ever told her you miss her or love her, why?'

answer

'cos i want to say it to her myself, not via you'

me' but mayeb if she knew it would soften it a bit, get yo both baqck on track'

him

'but I just can't, i just bury it'

me

I am not a hard hearted person, I know it can't be easy'

WHY did i say this, it's not EASY for dd feeling worthless. Again, i feel i havwe violated myself, even bothering to talk to him, or be sort of nice, after he's bee such an arse for yrs'

but then he said

'ok, could you tell dd i love her and miss her'

SOMEONE, please can you tell me why this was hard for him to ssay, and why hasn't he conveyed it for 3 plus yrs???

I said i would tell her.

She is now deciding wether she wants to see him this weekend.

i truly feel exhausted. sad. cross.

(((((((((((((((((((pc)))))))))))))))))))))

it is hard isn't it? (have name changed from fm as xp said something in rl to make me think he might have found me on mn stupid stupid me)

you feel angry because you feel that he has used you to say something that he should've said himself and you feel angry with yourself that you feel that you let him do this instead of making him do it.

i don't honestly know why it was hard for him to say this to her sweetheart xxx

Don't feel cross - you've done the right thing for your dd, even though that meant playing it softly softly with your ex. It is hard to separate being so completely furious with them on an adult level from taking a step back and being lovely and rational. It sounds like your conversation was reasonable, which can only be a good thing longer-term (they are honestly not worth expending all of our emotional energy on ), but I DO understand that it is easier said than done. Your "violated" yourself phrase is exactly how I feel after being nice to my ex, but it is the right thing to do, if possible. Well done.

i am so pleased to come back to the pc and find your messages, and that you understand. mumsnet, is such a godsend.

I loath being 'nice' to him. I don't want himto have ANY hapiness/gratification/help form me, after he has treated us so badly.

Yet it's for dd as you say. Thats why it has to be done.

But WHY, again, did he choose to listen yesterday, to me saying about the 'i miss you dd'

Why has it taken so long to sink in. Ok he says he buries it, but he says he loves dd so woudl it not be 2nd nature, no make that 1st to make sure she knew she was loved, missed?

I do hope this is the start for them again. DD has agreed to see him, and I pray to god they can start to build a relationship, and that his partner steps back a little.

Maybe it was your more 'receptive' approach that worked - I actually had a fairly decent conversation with my ex on the phone yesterday too (and he won't usually speak to me!) and I think the difference was my attitude... Usually, I am defensive, even when I try hard to be neutral. Yesterday, because he caught me off-guard, I was unintentionally normal!

I know that he is benefitting from your niceness (is that a word?!) but that is an incidental side-benefit of you trying to re-establish a relationship between him and your dd. You being nice does not mean that all is forgiven, it just means that you are a great mum and you are putting your dd above your own feelings. (I do agree, though, that it feels like you are letting them off the hook, to some degree, when you are nice to them. I have mastered the 'I am a lovely, reasonable person' fixed grin whilst inside thinking 'you are pond-scum'!!) It is for my ds's benefit, not my ex's, whatever he may think...

Maybe / probably your ex does think 'I love and miss dd'...unfortunately, whilst things are not great between you, you are probably the last person he will tell! The important thing is that he knows that your dd needs to hear it. If you enable him to attempt to rebuild his relationship then maybe he will be brave enough (how crap is that?!) to tell her himself directly.

Again, pat on the back for you!

fluffy thankyou, it's good to hear from you again.

I was being nice and helpful, and begging him to see how he was hurting dd up till a year ago. Well up to when dd point blank refused to go to his house.I stopped after being told not 'tell' him anything, that he didn't want to speak to me again. This was by him, and his partner!!

So i switched off. And guess what 'nothing' was forthcoming, it was pathetic. Phone calls have been 'hi, is she there' 'yes' 'does she want to speak to me' (i'd ask dd) 'no'

then he'd put the phone down. Yet now he claims althis time it's been hurting him? I don't get it. I know we have hopefully got a point in which to start again, yet my dd has been in bits for months, and all i want to do is protect her.

How old is you son? Did your ex leave you? How is your son with everything?

Am just sorry that things are still so hard for you and your dd. How is the counselling going?

Being told not to tell him anything is awful...Whether it came from him or his partner (possible?!) that is a horrible way to behave towards your dd .

It's completely understandable that you are protective, as you are entitled to be. The way I would tend to look at it is that your ex has bridges to build, and that you will allow that process to take place, within reason. If your dd becomes distressed at all then just review things.

Your ex has to understand that your dd's needs come first. Tbh, it sounds like he's just been rubbish, and taken the easy option, which was to back off blaming you and your dd. He probably doesn't deserve the second chance, but your dd will appreciate what you are doing for her...

My ds is four. His dad left a couple of times when he was a few months old, then for good when he was 15 months. He went off with another single mum, then promptly left her to get together with a colleague who had been hovering. They then moved away and had a baby together. This made me feel like we had been totally replaced. To be fair, my ds was so young that he doesn't know any better, and he is quite happy.

I am still angry at my exh, and his gf, as she was been a big influence in the decision to move away. She has arranged things so that my ex has reduced his visits to our ds to twice in five weeks. In a way, though, this has helped me personally, as I haven't had to deal with him too often.

As far as being a dad is concerned, he does love our ds and he does do pretty much whatever I ask . It is very hard to separate how hurt we are as ex partners that they have treated us and our dc this way from making a positive and fresh start for the future. It has (finally!) dawned on me that the only person that I hurt if I continue to feel so angry is myself. However, that dosen't mean that all is forgiven and forgotten...!

I dont know what's the matter with some people who seem to find it so difficult to express their feelings to their kids.

Ds's dad is about as emotional as a plank of wood. Every time something big comes up in ds's life (starting secondary school for instance) when he could really do with some support his dad doesn't even ring.

I am normally hiding in another room ringing his dad on the mobile to tell him to please call our son on the landline. He will do when prompted and ds doesn't know any different so he's happy enough with that. But it shouldn't be that way should it?

Hope you're feeling a bit better