New to the single life, access questions??

[shinyhappypeople]

Hi,

It looks like Im joining the single mum club and Im just wondering about access. DD has just turned 1, I have lived with dp for three years. We have a shared mortgage and will probably sell the house. My mum lives 10 min drive away and I could move in with her. Dp really doesnt like the idea of not seeing dd everyday. He works full time and I work part time, he has even suggested that I move out to my mums and he looks after dd, before and after work, my mum looks after her for three days a week when Im at work. - he has looked after her for one full day on his own since she was born!!!!!

He does look after her well and I will feel very guilty about moving out to my mums with dd, I know I wouldnt like it if I didnt see her everyday.

Anyway, does anyone know what access he will be entitled to, will it be 50/50, what is the amount of access based on?

I have no idea about all of this works, I am making an appointment with my solicitor tomorrow.

Thanks

If you can agree on it between yourselves its a lot better all round. 50/50 care is a possibility if it is plausable for you both.
When XP and i split up he had ds fri til sun fortnightly and in the early days came round a once or twice a week as ds was 9 months it seamed a long time for him not to see his dad.

Never mind what he is `entitled' to...what's in the child's best interests? You are both your child's parents and from what you've said suggests you understand this. Like you say - you know how you'd feel if you didn't see your child every day.

Talk to him. If you can't agree on arrangements, go to mediation. Do not rely on what any solicitor is. They will tell you what reasonable' contact is - which always leaves fathers like me with the question Who decides what is reasonable is???' There is no need to involve a solicitor if you can agree things between yourselves.

The moment you do involve courts and/or solicitors...you've effectively handed over any decisions about your child to strangers. Remember - the more letters sent, the more court hearings you attend, the more your solicitor earns. Maybe they don't want to make money out of you...but...business is business.

I'll probably be jumped on for the above statement shinyhappypeople - but realise that once you involve solicitors, courts and telling each other what you're `entitled to' cooperation is thrown out of the window. I know this, because I speak from bitter experience - an ex who refused to talk to me about our son but instead cut off all contact, refused mediation, told lies about me committing domestic violence and child abuse (and about my family too) and has now moved hundreds of miles away with my son.

My fifth court hearing takes place in the next few weeks and if things go true to form, it will be far from the last. I represent myself in court with no solicitor and it has still cost me thousands.

Your ex and yourself need to keep in mind at all times: What is best for your daughter? You are both her parents and the best she can get is a mum and dad who work together for her benefit - were you together or seperated.

Best if you can sort it out between yourselfs, i would avoid solicitor unless you cannot come to an agreement

While both of you might hate the idea of not seeing your child each and every day the reality is that you now have to work out what is best for your lo based on teh new circumstances. 10 miles away isn't really that far. If he really wanted to see his child every day can he not travel those 10 miles?

Trouble is that when people separate, hard as it might be, they have to accept that contact with the children as it was before will not be the same. You will not want to tie yourself to being at home every day so he can visit daily etc. And as you both begin to accept the separation and move on with your lives you will more than likely start to find it much more difficult seeing your ex daily unless you get on ereally well. And if you do then why are you separating exactly...

If he works full time what time does he get home? How much time will he spend with lo if he see's them every evening after a hard day at work. Keeping up daily contact is likely to be difficult wherever you move too.

Does he have any possibility of working more flexible hours and maybe coming home early a couple of afternoons or swapping his hours round and having dd on one or more of the day's your mum currently does?

First thing to do is to discuss the fact that you are seprarted now and that things will inevitably change. You will therfore be living in different houses and contact will have to be arranged accordingly.

Ask him for his suggestions on how to make this work, and not theoretical ones! So ask him to list out in reality how much contact he can acctually do. He might like to think he could have dd after work every day, but could he? What time does he get home, does he have anything he likes to do after work (squash, pub with a mate etc).

From what you said he's suggesting he have full time care (before and after work which I assume also means overnight?) So when does he propose you see your dd?

Start of with the simple things like

1. Where are you going to live and where is he going to live.
2. can he swap his hours and have dd on any of the days you work when she currently goes to your mum
3. work out how to split the weekends (one day each, every other weekend etc)
4. How to include regular contact in both your working schedules during the rest of the week.

If you can come to an agreement between yourself so much the better. However do keep copies of all correspondance, and try and put all proposals in writing so that you have proof of your efforts and reasonableness over this if it every does end up in court. And if you do come to an impass then mediation is the way to go. Court will want to see mediation has been tried too, so might as well use a mediator while things remain civil between you rather than when things have broken down so far you end up in court!

Best wishes
Gilly

Thank you all for your advise, it is much appreciated. We both have lots to think about, at the moment we are still talking and are kind of getting along, we just both know the relationship isnt going to work.

Im going to talk to him to try and work out what we are going to do.

Thanks again

Hi - im a newbie here. My xp & i finished 6 months ago and we have a 12 month old dd.

I moved out and xp looks after our daughter, as it should be, she is the mum, breastfeeding etc.

Its very tough not seeing dd every day and I try to see as often as I can (6 days a week normally) - but me & my xp split up for good reasons and those reasons havnt gone away. Seeing so much of the person you have finished with is tough and from time to time it gets ugly. As we are sharing the parenting (dd is a bad sleeper so I do night shifts once or twice a week) we are still in effect in a relationship (although not in any way intimate). The pressure of seeing each other so often causes major rows about once every 2 weeks - which given we spend so much energy in being as good and as caring parents as possible - undoes a lot of our efforts & is terribly destructive - we try to hide rows from dd but not very successfully at times.

We are both really struggling with moving on from each other.

Iv been advised from family not to see so much of dd - but its something im not comfortable with - I want to be there all the time !!!! but hey thats not healthy either.

Iv also been advised to go down the legal route - but again its not something im comfortable with

Feel very stuck & trapped - whilst at the same time I couldnt be more happier or proud of our dd.

Im fortunate to have so much access - but Iv forced the issue somewhat by making myself an important cog in the wheel - doing a lot of housework, ironing etc, giving my xp plenty of free time - however this can leave me feeling resentful as it becomes expected & not appreciated

Just thought i'd throw in a bloke's perspective.

he will be entitled to continue the same level of access as he currently has, unless there is some reasn why that shouldn't happen.

And coming from someone who is now entering her 4th year of court process over contact i would beg you to please please try and sort this out between you.

if he has normally cared for her one day a week why could he not continue?
whatever has come between you both your DD shouldn't be made to lose out.
stay as amicable as you can for her sake

As LD and Mamazon have said, the key is to be as amicable as possible (civil if friendly is not easy!). You and your partner are the people that know your dd best, and her needs will come first. If you go down the legal route other people may end up making these decisions for you, which is really not in the interests of any of you. Sorry this is happening btw...

Avon - all those offering advice, whether they be legal advisors or friends and family, are not in your position...Everyone has an opinion! Good for you for doing what's right for you and your family. The trapped and stuck feeling should pass, hopefully! I'm 3.5 years down the line and life does return to some kind of normality eventually.