Dd doesn't want to go to her dad's

[brightwell]

she's 14 and instead of just telling him she doesn't want to go to his & spend the weekend sitting in her bedroom watching dvd's she wants to stay at home so she can hang out with her friends, she always makes something up and lie's to him. It really annoys me, I've told her if he asks me I won't back up her story. I know she's scared of his reaction, he has a short fuse & is very maniputlative, emotional guilt stuff etc.

I think that it's a bit unfair to expect her to tell him the truth unless she's going to make it a little more pretty than 'I don't want to spend the weekend sitting in my bedroom watching DVDs'

Maybe she could make some suggestions about what she would like to do or places she would like to go with her dad?

She makes up very elaborate stories/excuses to tell him instead of telling him she just wants to be with her friends. He lives 60 miles away so when she does go to his she doesn't see her friends.

So your dd is lying and you are going along with it? What kind of life lesson is that.

I also might suggest that if your daughter lies to her dad in favour of going out with friends you should be stopping her seeing her friends on those weekends...

Perhaps you should sit down and explain that as she's getting older now she does of course have other things she'd like to do, and friends she wants to see, but it is important she see her dad too. So how about suggesting that she sees him slightly less often but that when she does they plan on something to do. Or sugesting that dad might like to facilitate the friendships and that she can phone her friends from his, or won't miss out on cinema shopping etc as dad will take her to them...

And when i say sit down and discuss i mean with your daughter but also her dad.

If her dad went along with your dd dilberately lying to you would you be happy? Or if he kept information from you that you should be aware of would that be ok with you? And yes you are going along with it despite you saying you won't lie if asked. You are not addressing it so are party to the lies imo. If she can make up eloborate lies like this to him what's stopping her doing the same with you? Are you sure she's seeing friends and it's not a web of lies so she can see a boy friend instead for example?

Speak to her dad and explain that part of your dd's fear on telling him is because she is worried about his raction and so he must try not to be angry about it with her and that will inpact negatively and could result in her refusing to see him all together.

Then explain what is going on and make a suggestion that he see her slightly less but that you will insist that she does goes at these times and ask him to plan things with her to give her something exciting to look forward to and more insterested in spending time with him.

And most importantlly if your daughter lies don't reward her by allowing her the time to hang out with her friends that she has lied to get!

No I'm not going along with it, she's repeating he's always said "if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to". Sadly I never feel able to discuss anything with ex as he is always verbally abusive & aggressive. And I'm confident she's not lying to me, I always double check her where abouts with friends parents. Her dad lives 60 miles away so is unable to ferry her about to meet up with her friends. I would rather she said to her Dad, sorry, I know you'll be disappointed but I would rather be with my friends this weekend. Far better than the lies she concocts.

Then make sure that's what she says and if she doesn't then don't let her see her friends until she can be honest with her dad.

brightwell I think you should just be honest with your ex and tell him that she would rather go out with her friends, its very common at that age and I went through something similar myself, maybe come to an arrangment with both of them to make sure that the meet up at least a couple of times a month, sounds like your daughter is scared of him and know how he will react.

That's exactly the situation, she's scared of his reaction. I feel she should tell him the truth, I've tried to tell him in the past but he always gets abusive and doesn't believe me. Tells me I'm poisoning her mind, he is not able to understand the importance of friendships at 14.

od...keeping her from her friends because she doesn't want to face up to a manipulative and verbally abusive father???

that's harsh - it's not her fault that she has separated parents, I bet aged 14 she would not be spending weekends with her dad anyway, even if he lived at home

Well what is she telling him as to why she can't go at the weekends? Mind you, given that he's an abusive bully, I'm not surprised she doesn;t much want to go and a bit with all these MNers piously saying it's wrong to tell a lie: lying to bullies is a useful survival skill.

well said solidgoldbrass!!!!!!

youshould be protecting her if she finds him threatening, and emotionally manipulative. If she lies to him, she's doing it becuase she is afriad of sayign the truth.

she's 14 and prob quite entitled to refuse to go anyway.

is there a court order??

Yes there is a court order, it's been in place since she was 8, she & ds are supposed to go to him alternate weekends. As they've got older at times they both don't always want to go. Ex takes it as a personal insult and assumes I've bribed them to stay at home with me. Not the case. Recently he has started arranging exciting things for them to do while they are at his, but still there are times when they want to stay at home and do things with their friends, not because they want to be with me. He gets angry with both of them when they say they don't want to go without a valid excuse ie illness. He resorts to threatening not to get them Birthday or Christmas presents, not to take them on holiday he's even told them he is going to work abroad. He threatens me with stopping maintainence payments and says he won't see dc. Hence dd making up elaborate excuses to avoid his manipulative behaviour. Dd is very sensible, she's told she know's her dad is a pig but he's still her dad. Having written this all down has given me some clarity maybe I need to write to him so he can mull my words over.

ex is obviiously a pice of work isnt he trying to bribe them with birthday x mas pressies etc - ah weel they are old enough now to realise and looks like they do that he is a real prat and dont want to be with him on his terms - sad fact of life I know but if hed have been anything of a decent father in the first place I truly belive they would make the most of the time they get to have with him -p then again could also be teenage hormones rebellion etc My ex is a shithead so I am biased and I hope my dd will grow up and realise that he is such a shitehead one day after the bribing has finished - Shes currently hankering after a pony - methinks he wont cough up on this one!!!!!

The courts won't make a contact order for children aged 16 or over unless there are exceptional circs. This is because they recognise that the older a child gets, the more weight has to be given to their wishes and feelings.

A court order made when she was 8 has very little relevance to now when she is 14. I would say she is entitled to decide for herself - your job is to encourage her, try to persuade her but if she votes with her feet i can't see any court trying to compell a 14 year old to go to contact.

I'd try to explain this to her father, suggest reducing the contact, doing more fun things etc. If he gets arsey, he needs to try to enforce the court order (which will never happen). He has to understand that she is a teenager and things are different now. Presumably he hasn't done a great job in the past six years of building up a relationship so she is keen to spend time with him.

The reality is he hasn't been much of a father for 14 years. I've had a chat with dd this morning explained I want her to be honest with him, also that we both know how he'll react, but she needs firm and keep repeating she know's he'll be disappointed & probably angry, it's not that she doesn't want to see him, she just wants to do other things and to try not to react to his emotional blackmail. Even though there's a court order in place he's always said if they don't want to go they don't have to, the reality is different as he kicks off like a 3 year old. also he has no problems with cancelling his weekends with them if it doesn't suit him to have them.