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what do you do with a co-sleeping child when you have a man staying?

16 replies

beansmum · 01/10/2008 09:21

I am totally in love with a guy I have known for years and years, since I was 10. I've seen him a few times this year but didn't think anything was going to happen. Last night he stayed here and ended up in my bed. We were snogging and stuff, then I got the giggles and the moment kind of passed. We were just snuggling and chatting but ds came through and the lovely man went back to his own bed. I went through to join him but ds was really unhappy, he didn't want to be 'all alone' and I felt terrible. ds eventually went to sleep, but it was really late by then and me and the guy just went to sleep too.

I like ds sleeping with me, but I don't want to be celibate forever. What can I do?

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gingerninja · 01/10/2008 09:29

Crikey that's a tough one so I'm bumping for more sensible responses.

How would you feel about co-sleeping if you and this man struck up a regular relationship? I suppose what I mean is, is co-sleeping filling a void and would you change your attitude to it if you shared your bed with a man? If so then maybe you need to work on getting your DS to sleep more regularly in his own bed to save the upheveal when you embark on a relationship.

Sorry, I don't really have any other advice, I'm sure there are lots of people on here that have faced the same dilema.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 01/10/2008 09:29

personally I don't have beau staying when DS is in the house/him coming out of his room (I go into his to see to him)

how do you/he feel about your son in with you?

(you don't need to be celibate - does DS ever go out during the day )

allgonebellyup · 01/10/2008 09:33

oh god, i have no idea - i havent had sex for such a long time but i hope i eventually will!
my ds (4) ends up in bed with me every single night, so i have no idea what the hell i would do if the opportunity arose(pardon the pun)!!
Stay single and celibate i guess!!

beansmum · 01/10/2008 09:42

ds ended up getting in with us early this morning and it was nice having the three of us in the bed, so ideally I would like ds to sleep longer in his own bed but still come through at some point. But at 4-5ish rather than midnight. How do I make that happen though?

I'm a bit sad this morning, that nothing more happened, and feeling guilty that I'm slightly annoyed with ds when it wasn't his fault at all. I have always let him sleep with me and now I am suddenly wanting to change the rules. Just so I can shag some (really gorgeous) bloke.

It's a bit of a hypothetical problem at the moment anyway, this man isn't coming back until december now, he's a marine and has work stuff until then. and I'm not planning on having any other men to stay!

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ruty · 01/10/2008 09:44

do the deed on the couch?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 01/10/2008 09:46

maybe from now until then concentrate on getting DS into his own bed (I had this prob with DS which is why partly beau's never stayed)

he used to come in with me any time from 11.30am to 4.30 am depending. so I took to his bedroom floor and stayed there for a week. first night he got out at midnight, (he got put back) and again at 4 (an hour and half of crying & wanting to get in mummy's bed), second night he woke at half 4 for 'hold hands mummy!' (bless! lol) after that he's been fine. now I leave the put up in his room incase he wakes in the night, but for the most part it's 6/7am when he comes into me, which is totally manageable.

might be worth tackling it as 2 separate issues iycwim.

beansmum · 01/10/2008 09:55

I suppose I don't want ds to connect having to sleep in his own bed with this man. So I need to get something sorted before december. I'm not sure I want to though! I'm going to feel so mean telling ds to stay in his own bed when I have always let him in with me.

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tetti · 01/10/2008 10:37

How old is your child?
I used the reward chart method with my girl(sleep in your bed and you'll get a star,and if you sleep in your bed for a whole week,you'll get a reward!)
This def solved my problem,and no have no problems whatsoever in getting my girl to sleep in her bed.
Believe me,if I could do it,you can!:-)
Good luck!

beansmum · 01/10/2008 12:00

I'm sure I can do it, I'm just not sure I want to! Maybe I'll just have to go to bed earlier so all the snogging is finished by the time ds comes in.

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beansmum · 01/10/2008 12:01

or is it weird to let ds share with me and a man?

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gingerninja · 01/10/2008 13:06

I don't think it's weird but will it not put your fella off his stroke, so to speak

beansmum · 02/10/2008 12:00

Since the other night ds has been really not himself at all. He wasn't happy when I collected him from nursery on wed, I think he was expecting the man to be there too, he loves him. Then he was tired and grumpy all day, probably from crying half the night. Today he was really not nice when I picked him up from nursery, he says he is sad but he can't tell me what about, and he keeps saying I have upset him. I feel like the worst mum ever. I don't know if there is anything I can do. I am sad, ds is sad, it's all a bit of a mess.

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gingerninja · 02/10/2008 12:10

Ah beansmum that's hard. I have co-slept with my daughter for nearly all of her two years so am in favour of that approach but I do think that if you want to develop the relationship with the man then you're going to have to gently encourage your DS into his own bed before the man comes back otherwise he's going to link the two.

Of course he feels sad about you sharing time and affection with someone else. He's been the centre of your world and can't understand why you need anyone else. However, it won't be too many years before he decides he wants a girlfriend and you're too embarrassing to hang out with. You're not doing anything wrong asking for a bit of something for yourself. We all need that, it won't stop you being a great mum to him or loving him. You just need a gently gently approach and whilst this fella is away, now is probably the perfect time.

I have no practical advice unfortunately but I'm sure there are loads of people on here that do.

beansmum · 02/10/2008 12:17

I think it's partly because I didn't sleep with him (ds) and partly because he really likes the man (let's call him K) and doesn't understand why he cant stay here. Ds just asked if K is going to fly in a plane when he comes to NZ to visit us, I had to say I didn't know if he would visit.

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gingerninja · 02/10/2008 14:05

are you moving then? Bless him. Perhaps you need another thread asking about how to deal with this separately. I wouldn't have the first clue. I hope the ending is a happy one for all of you.

beansmum · 02/10/2008 15:24

thanks. I've started another thread, this is about the 15th thread on the subject!

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