niggles.. re contact.. long sorry

[Debra1981]

1. As referred briefly in someone else's thread I am unable as suggested is neccessary, 'to talk about their mother (father) to them without hatred creeping into your voice, because that will hurt them.' DD is 2. We left just after her birth, due to then dh's violence and alcohol problems. He was violent to me during contact for the first 6 months, had 6 months seeing dd in a contact centre, then 6 months having 2hrs outside contact, with someone with me at handover. Now there is a court arrangement for him to see her overnight every weekend, and I only ever mention him to her; just before the contact, as he occasionally goes awol and she gets upset when things I've told her about don't happen; and when she comes back from his- when I talk directly to her about him, I try to be enthusiastic and happy about it. However, I also mutter curses to him when things go wrong in the week, as I sometimes feel at the time he is to blame for the situation, and have a quiet moan about him to my mum if I'm slightly uneasy about how the bring-back handover went. I am perfectly civil to him at handover. Should I talk about him more to DD? I think in that case I would need help to be more positive about him.
2. Above mentioned court order, set up in Jan, includes at my request contact to stop if he drinks in the 24hrs prior to or during contact.. I was fairly sure of it for most of the time since but he's just admitted breaking this (I somehow finally found courage to ask him about it, he reeked, not for the first time). For a while I was scared that it would be thrown out as a 'she's-just-tryna-get-at-him', my-word-against-his leading to no changes anyway (this happened when I reported him for assault once). But, DD seems ok with him, normally comes back tired and a bit mucky round the edges but happy, and she runs to him smiling, too- I just feel if I flagged it up just cos thats what the order says, I'd be interrupting what otherwise seems fairly positive regular contact- stopping which I think could hurt her more. Am I right?
3. Is there a nice way to ask ex to dress DD properly? Sometimes she comes back with odd buttons and poppers, and nappy sides, undone, socks back to front, shoe tongues stuffed down toes and even shoes on wrong feet. Or am I getting fussy? I really don't want to look like I'm just having a pop at him, nitpicking (ie asking to be ignored- I'd rather not bother saying anything in that case).

Sorry it's long! Hope everyone is well and coping xxx

Hi - I'm not a regular munsnetter so not sure what other thread you are referring to so apologies if I am off - beam . It sounds to me as if you are being very adult in your dealings with your ex but are naturally worried about some of his problems in relation to your DD ?

Re point 3 - your natural instinct is to let this go - i think that's right - men , esp men who aren't caring as much for their children can find the whole dressing, etc thing difficult,

re point 2 - I don't think he should be drinking prior to contact - neither do you - he has admitted it - you've talked about it - which is good - but 2 is very young to be with an adult who is a bit absent - can you ttry talking to him about your conecrns - remind him of the terms of the court order ?
Keep a record of when it happens - if regular - I think you have no choice but to report it - you would nevr forgive yourself if your DD was neglected or hurt in his care

Re pint 1 - sounds like you are being very restrained !!

keep up the good work

Thanks dropscone. I suppose the thing(s!) with the alcohol are, a) although he does look/smell/sound worse for wear sometimes, he never acts it, during handover anyway, which is what I try to look out for as something to be more concerned about- I also think I would see signs of wariness from DD if he was negligent with her. b) his mum is with him for part of most contact visits (incl. driving when it's 'his' turn to pick-up/drop-off), which is reassuring. c) I know other single mums who are happy to just drop the alcohol issue for the sake of keeping the peace (literally as well, precious 'me' time!), so wonder if I've just been OTT with the court order. d) as well as the worries I already mentioned about reporting it, after all this time sheeping about and keeping shtum about it in the meantime, won't they question why I didn't bring it up before (and think I'm just messing him about)?