currently 20 weeks pg, biofather wants to be only an active parent, he chooses to be with other women

[bryceandmaddie]

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and am having a difficult time letting the bio-father into my child's life. Not only did he cheat on me while I was pregnant, but he told me he wanted to break-up a few weeks ago and is already seeing another woman. Logically I understand it is about the baby now and not 'us', but I can't seem to get over the hurt which my ex-boyfriend/bio-father has brought upon our lives. After speaking with him last, I've come to find out he's brought this new woman to his house and she's met his parents. I'm really upset at how disrespectful he is, not only my sensitivity, but my baby as well. After he told of his behavior, I quickly wrote him a nasty email stating I wanted him out of our lives forever and I do not want our child to know him due to his moral misjudgements and lack of dependability. It took him a week to write back and here is his response: "You know you can't do that, not only 'cause it's not legal but because it's just not right morally/parentally (if that's a word). My admitted lecherous behavior has no bearing on the father I'm to become. I'm willing to go to counseling so that we may work our parenting partnership out amicably." What am I supposed to do?? I'm currently going to counseling but it seems it's going to be along time before I can even attempt to get over the hurt he's caused. I know once I get over it, I will be able to let him in my baby's life, however, I am having a very tough time at this point and am looking for some advice. I still love the father and still wish one day we might be together as a family. Help!

Stop wishing you might be together, it's over. You will not be the happy little family you hoped to be, you need to accept this as IMO it's the only way to move on.

He may or may not decide to become involved with you again but you have to work on the basis that he won't. It's hard but as soon as you can do this things become much easier - in my experience.

Keep going to counselling, take a break from contacting him, how do you know all the stuff about his new girlf? If you have facebook block him etc. Focus on that lovely baby you're growing!!

Thanks for your comments. They are greatly appreciated. I will keep going to counseling, but it is the lonely nights and solitude which eats at me. I try to fill my days with fun social events, but still I find myself hurting. I'm trying to hang in there. He was the one who told me about the new girlf. He was coming over at least once a week and helping me clean the apartment. The first week we had broken up he mentioned he was seeing someone. The next week he mentioned she's been to his house and met his parent's. I plan to keep him far away at least for the next few months while I work on healing myself. The one thing I just can't get over is how someone could be so cruel.
One last question, what does IMO stand for???

Thanks,
Bryce

Its hard being alone and pregnant, especially when you have been hurt by him. for now focus on you, make you feel better, dont worry about him, let him worry about him.

do what you need to do everyday to get through, reason with yourself, or as they say "have a word with yourself" when you are hurting, remind yourself of how and why you got to this place.

He is an imoral prick, he may have another gf, but unfortunatley as hurtful and unreasonable as he and your IL are being you have nothing to do with that now. Its easy for him to move on hes not reminded of you every minute of everyday. whereas you are you are carrying your child.

there is no easy way around this, you have to live it and feel it to get through it, but you will, it will get better and you will wake up one day and he wont be the first thing on your mind.

Waste no more time on him, yes he has every right to see your child, you have plenty of time to discuss that though, take a while to strengthen yourself, then when YOU are ready you make some decisions. About how where you would like him involved, at the beginning as this is the time when you will be most in control, a new mother does not like to leave their baby, so access will be a little different at first than after a relationship has been established.

For now, look after No 1.

Dittany: if he is the child's biological father then he does have a legal right to see the child - and if the OP denies that he is the father he can insist on a DNA test. While domestic abuse can/should restrict the amount of access a non-residential or separated parent has, not wishing to continue a couple-relationship with the other parent doesn't make a person a bad parent.

Bryce&maddie, it's always hard and miserable to be left by a partner but it sounds like this man is trying to help you and be a responsible co-parent (he has been visiting you and helping you around the house). In time you may be able to have a good co=parenting relationship with him.
Be kind to yourself, get support from friends and family, but try not to fight with the bio-father: the more amicable you can keep things, the better it will be for everyone, including you.

Thanks for your input solidgoldbrass, it's greatly appreciated. I understand what you are saying about my ex-boyfriend's attempt to be a good co-parent, however, to explain the situation further... my ex-boyfriend is currently unemployed and lives with his parents. From his actions it seems he would rather work on his sexual habits verses trying to be a responsible and reliable adult. His immoral behavior makes me ill to trust him with my baby. I have very negative feelings toward his character and feel his immature behavior will not play a positive role in my child's life. How can I can I trust a man like this with my child? Even though I say I wish we were still together I know deep in my heart I can not forgive someone who has treated me so badly. Therefore I want to stress the fact that I feel co-parenting should also be a mutually respectful balance which my exBF clearly does not reciprocate. I will take your advise and not argue with him, at least intentionally. In fact, as stated before, I don't plan on contacting him for a few months. Though it's very difficult, I'm trying to work on my strength as a single mom should do for her child.

Just curious. I'd like to throw out there for you all is... Why would someone leave during a pregnancy and start seeing another person so quickly? My counselor has stated it might be due to fear of commitment and responsibility. I feel this might be true since he admitted the first time he messed around on me it was due to his fear... what do you think???

B&M, was your pregnancy planned? Was your XP initially in favour of having a baby with you? You seem a bit spiteful towards him when it seems that the worst thing he is guilty of is not wanting to be in a relationship with you.

I understand the law is changing soon, but if you are not married then you can choose to not name him on the registration (birth cert) and he does not have parental rights.
A non-married father can only obtain parental responsibility by agreement with the mother, or a court order.
this has some info
this is govt advice(england)

this was an unplanned pregnancy however the XP was in favor of having the baby no matter what. the one thing we did agree was that aborting the baby was never an option. I am spiteful for the fact hat he was unfaithful during the pregnancy and begged my forgiveness mentioning he would never do this to me again. we remained together for a few more months and we seemed to be happy. but then this woman contacted him (so he told me, which made it worse, the friend was a friend of a friend) and he felt the need to break up with me. I resent him for going back and forth the with my emotions and making me believe in something which was obviously never true.

There is a difference between wanting you to continue an unplanned pregnancy and wanting to have a baby with you. I wonder if you're both quite young?
THe thing is, while it's obviously miserable and painful for you to have broken up with a partner you loved and wanted, it is better in the long run to break up now than to push a reluctant partner into continuing a relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy: relationships that start like this tend to go horribly wrong sooner or later with more hurt than if a clean break had been made early on.

I feel really sorry for you having to face pregnancy and bringing up a child alone. I was in this situation. It was really hard.

I am still a single parent and my son is five. We are fine and were really from the beginning.

But it is awful to be alone when you are pregnant and I think he has behaved in a terrible way to you.

But in the long run it is best that your child knows it's father although for the time being you just need to concentrate on being healthy and as stress free in pregnancy. When the baby is born, you will be the prime carer and especially if you breast feed, you will decide when/how he sees the baby and you will be there.

In the long run, you will be grateful for the active role he plays in the child's life as it will be good that there is a father around for him/her and will give you a break and time for yourself.

However, I totally understand the anger you feel and I think he has treated you really badly.

thanks again SGB, I appreciate your input. Though we may be immature, we don't have the excuse of being young. I am 37 and my XP is 31. I need to vent... As I am the mother and am very independent with my ways, I feel he needs to show some responsibility before i can trust him with my baby. Don't you agree? I want my baby to have a loving family as a whole. I've been married to a man who had a son who I was a step mother to, and I hated how the child was ping-ponged around like an object. though my ex-husband and his ex- wife were somewhat amicable, the child was still tron and lead separate lives. For example, 2 birthday celebrations, one at his mother's and one a his father's. it was difficult. at this point, I can't see leaving my daughter in my XPs hands alone with his family. I've explained this to him when we initially agreed to be amicable parents. My XP had hopes we would be good friends during this pregnancy. How could he think this after he treated me so terribly? Also when we first broke up he shed tears telling me it hurts him as he is losing one of his best friends. I feel very used and my emotions have been on a roller coaster for the past month. I could deal with it better if he would have just kept the details of his new GF to himself. can you tell me why he would say these things to the woman who is carrying his baby????

B&M well, to be blunt, I think he told you that because he wants to make it clear to you that he does not want to be in a couple-relationship with you. Your child can have a loving family, it's just that you and his father will not be a couple.
WHile my situation is different from yours in that my DS' father and I were drinking mates, not a couple, when DS was concieved, DS has a family who love him and regularly sees his father and all his father's family: he is happy and secure.

Hi B&M,

I have been in a similar situation to you and remember how raw the pain was for me. I tried to rationalise it and conduct myself in an 'adult' manner throughout. But it was bloody hard and I remember feeling like the rawness of the emotion was bigger than me and very hard to handle. What you are feeling now (if you felt anything like how I did - and you may not) is very primal. So I can understand your anger and hurt and your concerns about your XP having/seeing the baby. Right now, that baby is very much a part of you - and it is hard to separate what he has put you through to what his relationship may be with the baby.

It may take a while to move through this stage. But when you come out the other end, the important thing is that your child has a relationship with his/her father. One of the best things that you can give your child other than your love and protection is the facilitation of that relationship unless it proves detrimental. You won't know for certain what kind of father he will be until the baby comes. So hard as it is, try not to speculate about that now. Try to concentrate on you, your pregnancy and pulling through.

(((hugs))) I know it's hard. But you'll get through this.

bryce I think it was wrong for your ex to tell you about his new girlfriend and not think of your feelings, but I agree with solidgoldbrass on the reason he might have done it. You don't have to just hand your baby over to him and his family, when the child is born you have your ex round a couple of times a week or whenever and teach him how to change nappies, bath and feed the baby and build up some kind of bond between them.

Bryce, as others have pointed out to you already, the man has been playing ball with your heart. All of us have been there at some point and it hurts like hell. Please step away from him and focus on the lovely new life you are carrying under your heart. It's him or her that needs all of you now, not your ex.

Having read your posts I can't help thinking one thing though:
the pregnancy wasn't planned and you can't seem to get over the fact that your ex doesn't want to stay with you despite you carrying his child. You are 37.

I cannot help but wonder (and please don't be offended, it's ultimately your personal decision): did you get pregnant on purpose? Like: forgetting the pill, being laxe about condoms, etc. because your biological clock is ticking? Did you get pregnant wanting to bind this man to you? Honey, that never works.

You may well not want this man in your life anymore because you guys didn't work out. But that doesn't mean your baby doesn't want a father. He or she may well resent you one day for shutting him out.

I really hope you can solve this amicably and turn away from this guy in a relationship sense and judge him only on how well he's doing on the parenting front.

Good luck with the pregnancy!

Bryce-You have said that once you are over all the hurt that your Ex has caused you, then you will allow him into the babys life. This is what you need to focus on. Stay away from him, grieve for your failed relationship, grieve for the 'happy family' that isnt going to be and get your head together. The only way you'll get over him is to sever contact for the time being. It took 2 years for me to get over my Ex because he was constantly in and out of my life. You've got 20 weeks before you're baby is born.Use that time to 'get over him'. Of course it wont be easy but think of you're baby and the exciting times that lie ahead.
You will be fine on your own. Hopefully by the time the baby is born you'll be in a much better place emotionally to decide what role your Ex should play in your babys life. Remember...at least your Ex is wanting to play a part, some men would have left without a backward glance.

I wonder there are so many men that magically disappear once you get pregnant, its like there is a rogue gene.

Now is your time to prepare for your child and prepare yourself, take it easy relax, and if I could give you one peice of advice and then magically make you take it, it would be this...

Do not let this ruin your pregnancy, enjoy it, love your bump, love your baby inside you, enjoy being pregnant, I have had 2 absolutley terrible pregnancies, and the reason they were so bad was because the men involved were absolute bastards. And as I look back I realise that I allowed these f**kwits to ruin such an important time in my life. I wish I could go back and enjoy it, please dont forget that this is your time, leave him be and enjoy enjoy enjoy!

Hiya sweetie....

I know, it's hell, isn't it? I'm a fair bit younger than you and 27 weeks pregnant, but in a v similar situation: my ex cheated on me throughout our relationship (although the pregnancy WAS planned and his idea!) and is now with the teenager he cheated on me with....though I know he has slept with quite a few random girls since we officially split 2 months ago. It hurts like crazy...&, like you, we were seeing each other still once a week in a attempt to "stay amicable" and he was helping me get my house all set up for the baby etc. But whenever we argued, and esp now that he's out in the open with his mini gf lol, he just keeps threatening me with solicitors and shared residency.

In absolute truth, maintaining contact weekly was poss the biggest mistake I was making, because I just couldn't have any chance to get over him, to step back & see what an idiot he was. When you're alone, lonely & feeling krappy, I think you come to "rely" on that once a week visit, especially when it's offering a kind of support like helping with your home....but that's really the worst kind of dependency to be maintaining. My ex has just been on holiday for two weeks, & it's been kind of a relief not seeing him. Now just gotta stop imagining him with HER....& worst of all thinking of her in my baby's life.

Cos the sad fact of the matter is that, legally, your ex is dead right....if there's no doubt he is the biological father, you CAN'T stop him seeing his child & being involved. And I'd be really really careful about sending him narky emails threatening to, however hurt & angry you might be feeling....I only offer this advice because my ex has already started the court proceedings etc before our LO has even emerged (ridiculous, I know) & any emails like that you use will potentially be used against you in court to make you out as a "contact blocker" and strengthen his case. The law in this country doesn't give a damn if a partner walks out on his kid (or hers to be fair) for another woman, or if he cheated during the relationship. In fact, my solicitor has warned me that if you get CAFCASS sent round, to attempt to bring the cheating etc up will likely backfire in you because it makes you look bitter & like you're trying to hurt your ex, not acting in the best interest of your child. Believe me, I know how hard this is....I feel exactly the same. BUT he has every right to not only be involved with his child, but under the UK legal system he can also have any woman he's seeing (unless you can prove she's a threat) involved with the child too.

So all people like you & I who have been utterly screwed over can do...is try to rebuild our lives alone, forget about the ***s who put us in this position & if at all possible make things as amicable as we can possibly bear to (without holding any hope of getting back together!), because otherwise all that lies ahead is Court and tears. Not nice.

Good luck!!!! (Reckon we all need it...or a flippin' sainthood if we pull it off!)

xxx

As for your questions about why would he move on so quickly...why would he beg for forgiveness then just screw up again...& why would he tell you everything about his new GF???

God, I torture myself with these q's over & over too. Of course the obvious answer is there's no point even asking them because the situation is what it is. It is less WHY someone would do this to you, than the fact that he clearly has low moral standards to be able to follow through on such urges. But still, doesn't stop you wondering does it?

I couldnt work out if you meant your ex cheated & left for THAT woman, or whether he's had a number of them? For me there was always just the one particular girl that caused the problem.....but I really really believe that if a guy has it in his mentality to be able to do this, it would've always happened sooner or later, with someone. I think the thing that's hideous to admit but true is that you probably simply weren't right for him or 'enough' for him, like I wasn;t for my ex. & that could be NOTHING to do with you....even if everything seemed fine & dandy, clearly he felt something was missing...or felt trapped by the thought of a baby (my ex just has an utter Peter Pan "Don't want to grow up" complex)and HIS way of dealing with it is to turn to other people...or maybe he's just pure and simply the kind of guy that will never settle faithfully with anyone - one way or another, you're actually better off without even if that seems impossible to comprehend right now. I agree with SGB that our guys have told us all about their new gfs because it's a way of drilling the point home (albeit cruelly) that it's over. PLUS there is the aspect that, even if he doesn;t want you, if he's a mind game playing control freak like my ex, he probably still wants YOU to want him, so might be getting little sadistic kicks from making you jealous...it's a sad sad world, but that's just how some men (and women!) operate.

Bottom line = you can't MAKE someone love you. Old cliche, but so so true. I've adopted it as my mantra. However perfect for you you might have thought he was: he wasn't. End of, or you'd still be together. Count the baby you've created as a blessing, however hard it may be right now...& FORCE yourself to move on slowly - by distracting yourself, by making new friends, by cutting him off till the baby arrives, by offloading to your family or venting on here...IN WHATEVER WAY POSSIBLE, you HAVE to train yourself to stop thinking of him. Because he's an idiot, & even if you can't "do better", you CAN find someone one day who actually loves you & wouldn't do that to you.....

please please don't ever settle for less - you owe that now to your bab, not just yourself

hug

Thank you all for your comments. I must say I feel much better just hearing all of your input weather negative or positive, it really makes me feel a whole lot better. Thank you!
MogulinTraining: To answer your questions, yes I wanted to get pregnant and I told this to my ex. However, as I was unsure as to how he would think about this, I also mentioned we should get on some sort of contraception at that point, just in case. He specifically mentioned did not want this and said he would just prevent the deed from happening 'inside me'- What a croc! As you can see this did not happen and even after a few initial 'scares', he still insisted on no contraceptives. Also, I wanted to have a family, not bind 'him' to me. As I look back I can see we weren't the best together. In fact I can honestly say he drained me of my happiness and positive energy. He has very low self esteem and mentioned the fact he always thought I was settling for him and that I fully didn't experience the dating scene before meeting him (I was just getting out of a 3 yr marriage - going through a nasty divorce). Maybe that was just something he was saying to try to make me feel better. Who knows. All I know is that he is not the commitment type as he used to tell me he never wants to get married. I know I can do better than him, it's just difficult to move on as his baby is inside of me.
As many of you mentioned I will take these 20 weeks and do my best to get over him. I will not contact him or respond should he try to contact me, unless I am ready. If I do respond when I am ready, then I will respond with dignity and the respect as the co-parent I should. I deserve someone who loves me. I know this. I just need to work on my own self-esteem for me and my lovely Maddie.

I don't have much to add but try not to give this man any more free houseroom in your head. If you can, put some distance between you, move if necessary (maintain contact on your terms, via email or phone calls) until you are ready to see him. You don't have to see his new friend at any point. He doesn't sound very mature to me but I don't know him and it's easy to judge without knowing all the facts -not saying you are making this up. You have to put yourself and your baby first, a relationship of any description with the father can wait.

I can't agree more with colacubes, similarly I split with my dd's father when I was 24 weeks pregnant but differently to you I had flogged the relationship to death trying to make it work and realised that despite a million promises my ex was never going to change or grow up. I can't stress enough that you need to start refocussing on your bump. If you have had your 20 week scan look at the picture and talk to him/her. It is SO important that you avoid stressful situations as much as you can from now on as stress can be passed onto the baby. I felt it was important to keep dd's father informed with health checkups etc leading up to the birth but he wasn't at the birth, I had my best friend and my mum with me and it was fine.

It would have helped me to know when I was pregnant just how much happiness my dd's smiling face would give me every morning when I wake up and remember, no matter how involved your ex becomes he will miss out on so much, that will be his punishment and I can't think of anything worse than missing even a day with my dd, whether your ex ever realises this or not. I chose not to have dd's father on the birth certificate because I genuinely would have serious concerns about him being responsible for her. I let him see dd whenever he wants to at the moment, I truly hope he turns his life around and can be there for her, but if he can't, I hope I won't have to go through the court system to protect her. My dd is now 19 weeks old and I have to say I am totally head over heels in love. Don't get me wrong, it can be really overwhelming being the only responsible parent but I think it also makes you stronger, once you get through this, you will feel like you can deal with anything life throws at you!

Lastly, take one day at a time and try to do one nice thing every day, I used to go for long walks and I tried to make sure I pampered myself with long soaks in the bath with candles and a good book. All sounds a bit twee I know but it really helped (most of the time)!

Big hugs and stay strong!