Access rant

[ninah]

Ex rang today to say he's planning to see dc on Saturday. Normally he has them every fortnight on Sat between 11 and about 5. Has a long drive to get to us. Not good at planning what to do with them, I have been helping, going along with them. I want him to take on more.
Anyway we agreed dates ages ago, he was supposed to come last weekend but his older son starting uni. He promised to call to rearrange dates but nothing til today. I was assuming we'd go back to dates which have been in diary since Jan, ie Oct 4 but he has a party that weekend so cannot. So fine, we'll see him this Sat. He's asked me to check local papers for things to do!
I really need time off when he has them. He didn#t see them for a year when I first left, has been regular since but I can tell he's getting bored and tired with the arrangment, moans about the driving. I'm worried now the novelty's worn off he'll stop seeing them again and it makes me so as I saw what my son suffered that first year.
What can I do? I am so blooming fed up of him not calling as promised, last minute arrangements, basically having to nanny him through the whole visit.
And I suppose I'm at weekend party when I have dc 24-7.
I know from here that some ex's do less. I still can't help being ! phew

nina, is there a court order in place?
when you say a long drive, how long? I have to drive 150 miles each way 4 times a week (so 600 miles each week)to collect and return my son to his mum and it is knackering but I would never stop.

I would maybe suggest your ex has it easy?

successful child care for separated families depends upon co-operation, flexibility, understanding but also discipline and order.

I know you are trying to do your best by your kids by helping your ex but this can lead to him being dependant on you and unable to decide and function. whether he knows this or not, this can lead to a sub conscious feeling of not being a proper parent but the ''fun'' parent that has no responsibilites. only you will be able to gauge what you can do from here on in and it does partly depend on how old the kids are too, but do you think you should start insisting some more?

a child can be hurt and go through hell by not seeing a parent at all, that same child can be hurt and suffer more but on an ongoing basis, if one parent keeps letting them down time after time after time. your ex has a responsibility, maybe you could suggest some form of mediation or new schedule?
as someone I do not like on TV says, ''as a parent you should crawl on your hands and knnes over hot coals if it means not letting your child down'', this is the only thing I agree with him on and it is something your ex needs to learn.
its the devil and the deep blue sea scenario though so maybe a mediation session will be of help, explain to him your feelings and needs and his responsibilities, with fingers crossed, me touching my head as there is no other wood nearby, I hope that he realises what is going on and mends his ways. worth a thought?????

Thanks misi. It's about three hours? I suppose. You really do 600 miles a week? That's wonderful. You must really love your dc.
If I don't help out I can see him backing out altogether that's all. Lately I've been asking him to take on more eg go halves with me on birthday party, and that's when he's been backing away. He would be quite happy being the fun parent without responsibility.
There is no court order. He wasn't seeing them and I insisted he should. He enjoyed it at first but I fear the novelty is wearing off. Recently we took them for lunch and then because it was raining he said there was nothing else to do with them, and left. He would rather cut them off than attend mediation.
I've decided to go for a swim with a friend tomorrow and leave them to it, but I know him well and I'm afraid the writing's on the wall for these visits. Apart from dc, from a quite selfish point of view, I really need a break now and again!
Maybe I'm just being a Cassandra.
He cares for dc, or says he does, but he doesn't like the sheer drudgery that goes with childcare and would ultimately rather be in the pub. They are 6 and 2.
Now I think I should have left it as it was, dd didn't even know him.

nina, at least when they are older you can honestly say to your kids that you tried your hardest. you are not being selfish though, we all need ''me time''. my ex has plenty of this by dumping my son on her mother rather than let me have him.

as others have siad on other threads, a father can take a mother to court for contact but no court can force a father to have contact (and vice versa in one particular case I have helped with!!)

I would suggest your exh has been the fun parent far too much and never taken responsibility? I know childcare can be a ''drudge'' but if you were able to share this between you, it is not such a drudge anymore and I would hope that he would realise that in can be rewarding to cook dinner, wash up, wash clothes, bath etc the kids as well as taking them out to fun places etc.

I can only suggest that his help from you is scaled back gradually then perhaps? get him to do extra without him realising? I did this with my ex. the only thing she did was breast feed my son and that wasn't much as she was not producing much milk and the whole b'f thing lasted less than 3 months. after he went onto the bottle, she did virtually nothing. after several months of doing everything I was at a point where I was becoming very ill as it was not only my son, but our business and again, all the driving back and forth to the business. I had to do something so I gradually got her to do things. my son did suffer a bit, he was left to scream/cry for longer than usual so she had to go hold him to stop him, that sort of thing. it was easier I expect as we were together, but maybe you can have a think if there is anything like that you can do?
maybe suggest something you know will be closed and then disappear so he can't come straight back and dump the kids forcing him to think therefore?

would you have an ally in his mother/parents perhaps?

friends?

not sure about other suggestions as my head is a bit fuzzy after my ex's latest ''wheeze'' today and the long drive. I did the journey in 2.5 hours going and just a bit quicker coming back today which was very strange as it usually takes around 3 - 3.5 hours each way, but I would not miss it all for the world as his little face beams when I meet him at his school and if I only got to see that face then have to come home without him, it would have been worth the journey.

I'll have a think over the next couple of days, I'm taking my son camping so will be back online on sunday evening if I come up with anything of use

thanks misi
I'm going to drop them and run, hope for the best! My friend has invited me to swim at a local spa where her husband's a gym member, is v luxurious and I'd never be able to go otherwise (this is 'open day' freebie, recruiting new members, so I have to look rich and bored I guess). I'll let him get on with it, pick them up later. Last time he had them on his own ds said he was scared of him but I think this was because he is impatient and there was an issue about not being bought a balloon, so nothing serious!
Hope you have a lovely weekend camping, hope the sun stays shining for you.
It would be lovely if my dc had such an enthusiastic father. Still, on the bright side he does still visit, at least.
Mother no use. Friend, hmm. I'll think if I know someone blonde and pneumatic to accompany him, I'm sure the visits would become weekly

PS. Actually went very well, and have signed him up for an extra Saturday to get us back onto track again! he is talking about coming up every Sat in December, cos of Christmas ...So happy! thanks for listening.

so far so good then? light being seen at the end of a still very long tunnel?

I meant his mum/parents or a friend of his to talk to him about his responsibilities for the kids and to show him the error of his ways, but a pneumatic blond may have a similar effect then if thats his fancy?

or brunette, auburn
not necessarily pnuematic
He rarely sees his parents, (boarding school at 7 etc), and has few responsible friends. Still, he appears to be listening to me, at last!

ah, ok, he's not colour prejudiced then regarding hair

one phrase I loved was from one of my friends from uni whose husband left, she said, ''once he tasted my steak, he tried every other type of meat going, never finding anything as great tasting as me''

never went into the metaphor more than that, incase it got but her ex went after anything in a skirt after her.

it falls a bit more into place now you mention the boarding school. reinforces his idea that he has no real responsibilities other than to pay as that is what his daddy did no doubt and is all he needs to do and show a bit of willing every so often?????

but as you say, at least he is listening for now, good luck, fingers crossed!

How was your camping trip misi?

calamitous (sp?) as usual!!
I find it difficult to fit in the tent we have, should really get a new bigger one so at least I can half stand up in it!! (and especially as I have managed to rip the tent today getting it out of the car but good really, had some good evenings where we sat outside cooking sausages (his favourite food for camping) on the gas stove thing we have, it was a bit cold but we laid and watched the stars and at nearly 5 he is getting quite good at pointing out the constellations now, but we also had the usual deep questions about what stars are, planets, are there people on other planets what does life mean etc etc etc and for all his 2 weeks at school, he can't answer these (my) questions yet

no it was really good again, half term I have him for 5 days so if its good weather I may take him to somewhere like camber as he loves the wide sandy beaches and my sister says there is a good camp site down there too. this camp has showers I am told, this weekend, we did come home a bit smelly as there were no facilities around so a good hot shower may be the way to go!!

Sounds fun. So far I've only made it to the garden with our tent, and I think I'm going to wait til next summer now. If we have one. Are you going on the mn festival trip thingy?
lol at life/the universe questions to ds!

whats the MN festival trip thingy then?

we have only graduated from the garden this year and not been very adventurous so far, camber would be a doubling of distance from home, but he loves it so don't see a problem.

DS also likes the idea of an igloo, he wants to build one on a trip one day, that means going somewhere cold though, so not so sure

is Lone Parent Camping/Festival trip next summer, thread further down.
It's that or Iceland!
Got to cook now, all the best. Thanks again!

I think I would be too scared to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

naaaa. Live a little!

a camp full of women and then me? still sounds scary

I think there was another dad thinking of going on it. And don't be thinking of yourself as one of the few dad's going, think of yourself as one of the many single parents who's children are having a fabulous time making lots of new friends thanks to you!

, any news on where and when yet?