Does this email just sent to exH seem reasonable to you

[citylover]

I have sent several like this since this in the 2 yrs since we split. He has moved on (mainly because he had the freedom to do so!!) and has new DP and new DCs. But actually he prob sees our DCs about the same as he did before he met her so that's not really the issue. (just has more excuses).

We made an agreement as part of our divorce and he has basically never stuck to it in the spirit it was intended. He always insisted that I work full time which imo meant sharing parenting duties when we were together (that didn't work). Now I am resident parent so the bulk falls to me but do expect him to have them more than 24 hours every other weekend and one early evening per week!

(some bits blanked out for obvious reasons)

'xxxxxx October 2008

We are holding our 'event' that day. Are you available to pick up xxxx that day? I won't go to the dinner but I will go to the drinks after the event if possible.

days from October to November 2008

I am required to stay late on these evenings. Can you make that the day you pick up during that period?

General weeekend arrangements

I am assuming that you will be having boys of weekend of *th September. We need to define (again) what is meant by a weekend. I think it should include two nights ie Friday and Saturday. This gives DCs a longer period with you, which helps them in all ways and enables me to do something meaningful rather than just piecemeal stuff as I have done so far. Because your definition of a weekend appears to be 24 hours!

What is your intention regarding football on Sunday mornings on the weekends you have the boys?
(last season he took my DS twice and that was after nagging from me - so it meant on his weekends I still got up at the crack of dawn to drive my DS1 to play football for his team)

I really think you should consider what is fair to both them and me regarding these arrangements not just what suits you.'

An update he saw them briefly on Sunday. Not ideal but better than nothing. I did the running around for them ege dropping them off and picking them up

Yesterday had a really difficult conversation with exH about dates and other things. Was in tears of frustration at the end of it (not in front of him though).

What really upset me is that said he can't (won't) see DS1 on his birthday this week. It may be that DS1 won't mind this but I suspect he will.

On his chosen evening this week when he is prepared to pick up DS2 and see DS1 the first thing he said to me is 'you won't be late will you'. Now this takes the f*ing biscuit because when DSs were babies he would never commit to a time to come home from work and often used to go out till the early hours on a Friday!!

When I asked why he said well you know what it's like being on your own with a baby all day!!! I told him it was a bit late to have learnt that lesson!! To which he cut me off short.

He also asked why I was laughing (it was out of embarassment actually) when I picked up DSs from his house. I explained that the reason was the front door was open and his p could be seen doing something in the hall. DS1 said to me look there is p. (he has also videoed her on his mobile and shown me).

I said that I probably should have met her but that imo the best window for that had passed and it was now rather embarassing/ridiculous. He mumbled some unrelated crap as a reply.

He has def tried to keep us apart (no idea why) and when they come to pick up DSs he gets her to park round the corner when there are adequate spaces outside our house. DS1 is truly mystifed by this and has asked his dad why. No satisfactory answer.

What a mess - I naively had no idea it would be as hard as this to make a simple agreement work!!

Sorry for rant

on the plus side date is rearranged for sunday

In fact the more I think about it his actions are not those of a loving parent but more of an obligated (and reluctant) parent.

I think your right citylover, he seems to be doing the basic hours of access and is totally against putting in any more effort.

Its a real shame because you sound like, despite the fact he has been huge wanky knobhead, you are trying your hardest to be as reasonable as possible and that you truly have your kids best interest at heart.

Sadly a lot of absent parents fail to keep up with agreed access times once new woman and babies come along!
Its so unfair on the children but at least his is still seeing them on a regular basis. I KNOW it is totally unfair on you as you are the main carer. I have the same problem with my ex and they just dont seem to have a clue how much you need a break from them, mine seems to think im going to go galloping of to the pub the minute he gets kids ( I wish).

You are doing an excellent job and dont let him get to you, your kids know you are there for them even if he cant be.

Ok just to update he did not see DS1 on his birthday - DS1 said he had a crap birthday but I am not sure whether it was becaue he didn't see exH or a combination of things.

I did try to make it nice for him, offered to cook something special, offered to take him to the pictures and also got chocolate birthday cake but I think he was also upset that I couldn'ta leave work early and was potentially going to be alone for a couple of hours after school - tho in the end his mates came round.

ExH picked up DS1 from school today and went to mine. He complained that no food in fridge (er yes payday not til tomorrow_ then I reminded him he is meant to supply tea on his night, He said that's not possible!!

Then on weekend he will be seeing them from Sat morn til Sun afternoon - that's something but still not enough.

Oh and he couldn't wait to leave once I got home from work - I realise he doesn't want to see me at all but just wish he wouldn't make it so obvious that he is keen to leave in front of the DSs

Ok just to update he did not see DS1 on his birthday - DS1 said he had a crap birthday but I am not sure whether it was becaue he didn't see exH or a combination of things.

I did try to make it nice for him, offered to cook something special, offered to take him to the pictures and also got chocolate birthday cake but I think he was also upset that I couldn'ta leave work early and was potentially going to be alone for a couple of hours after school - tho in the end his mates came round.

ExH picked up DS1 from school today and went to mine. He complained that no food in fridge (er yes payday not til tomorrow_ then I reminded him he is meant to supply tea on his night, He said that's not possible!!

Then on weekend he will be seeing them from Sat morn til Sun afternoon - that's something but still not enough.

Oh and he couldn't wait to leave once I got home from work - I realise he doesn't want to see me at all but just wish he wouldn't make it so obvious that he is keen to leave in front of the DSs