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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Still struggling with having to see him every weekend, and his texts asking about ds

40 replies

allgonebellyup · 07/09/2008 10:05

How am i supposed to get over my ex when i have to see him all the time?
ds (4) begs him to come into our house every time he is dropped off, and it is so hard for me for ex-dh to be sitting on my bed playing games with ds.

i have asked him not to come in, i have tried to arrange for him to drop ds off with my neighbour or mum, and i can never get over him. Its been over a year now, dh has moved on ever-so-quickly and has a new baby with his new woman; it is so so painful for me to even look at him.
He just tells me to stop "wallowing" in my own misery.

i just feel lost without him and having to see him all the bloody time is stopping me healing and moving on.
Help!

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 08/09/2008 01:11

Your ex needs to understand that you are not together any more and unfortunately that means he does not get to hear about the everyday things like he would if you were still together. So while he might want to text you asking lots of questions it is not fair to do this to you. You can not have the same kind of relationship as you would together and yet have him expect you to 'stop wallowing'. Tell him firmly that he needs to accept that you will text him if something important happens, but that other than that he can't keep texting you constantly and expecting answers. Yes of course it is hard for him when he feels he is missing out on his son's life. But that was his choice i'm afraid and he has to accept the consequences of that choice.

You need to put some distance in place and make it clear that you are separated now and he can't have things all his own way. What matters is what is best for your ds, not for your ex. So he will have to adjust to the situation too.

I think you also need to get a formal agreement in place where you get to spend some of the 'fun' weekend time with your ds too so he can enjoy time with you as well as the time he spends with his dad. Your son loves you and his dad. But any child loves attention and fun times mor ethan the boring mundane stuff. So you need to make time for both.

If your ex won't agree to mediation then why not? Explain things are difficult for you and while he might not understand it he needs to accept what you are saying is the case. If he wants to regard it as wallowing then he can of course think what he likes, but the reality is you want the situation sorted out between you. Perhaps if you tell him you want to sort things out rather than have things come to a head when it may be too late to remain on good terms do you think he would listen? And then if you said you would like to sort things out amicably and feel mediation is the better way to do this right now and please would he at least give it a go for the sake of ds... And I would say don't talk to him about it too much, simply put it in a letter.

If he still refuses I would say book teh appointment anyway and tell him you have done so and that you will be attending and hope very much he will come too. Then if he doesn't I would say still go. At worst you can discuss your feelings with the mediatior and maybe they will help you work things out a little for yourself. And who knows, when he sees you are serious maybe he will come along...

solidgoldbrass · 08/09/2008 01:29

Your XP is enjoying tormenting you. It must be feeding his ego to know that he can trigger reactions in you while smiling sweetly and telling you how reasonable and right he is and what a mad bitch you are.
You need to get some independent advice/counselling and get his access arrangements put on a formal footing. Far too many men say 'oh let's sort it out between ourselves' when what they mean is 'Let me have it all my own way, you stupid woman, or I will make your life hell.'

alipiggie · 08/09/2008 03:50

I would also recommend using mediation services, they will provide you with the neutral SAFE ground where DS can be dropped off and you will not need to see your EX and he won't be able to use your DS as a tool to fight you. I am angry for you.

FlightAttendent · 08/09/2008 05:14

I agree with SGB. He is the mad bitch

Tinkerbel6 · 08/09/2008 14:45

AGBU your ex need to stop dictating what he is going to do , maybe a few manners on his part wouldn't go amiss by asking you if its ok to come round on a wednesday.

I think he gets more quality time with your son than you do, you may see him before and after school but you are entitled to have fun time with him without it involving bath times, alarm clocks and school runs. Even just to get up on a weekend and have a pyjama day, kick a ball around in the park, go swimming, go to family functions, go out and having lunch is having fun time together, just seems you ex gets all the fun stuff and you get the grief.

You really must get some proper access arrangements sorted out fairly and get it written down, even go to mediation, he might not turn up but then it wont look good on him and could work out to your advantage if needed in the future, you need to take some control girly or this man will be ruling your life for a long time yet

Chin up

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 08/09/2008 14:52

well i have decided i want ds every other weekend now, but it means that ex will come round during the week to make up for it

so either way i dont win.
He also wants to speak to him on the phone every other day, which i also find hard, even though i dont speak to him.

He keeps telling me to hurry up and find another man, and stop moping around after him.

OP posts:

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 08/09/2008 15:05

"He keeps telling me to hurry up and find another man, and stop moping around after him. "

Tell him you wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

His problem is his ego.

Lay down the ground rules. You won't respond to his texts unless it's an emergency- you're not writing a blasted diary for him. You will have however many weekends and you will only allow X weekday visits.

If he doesn't like it (and he wont) then suggest you all goto mediation to make sure an agreement fair to both parties is drawn up.

He's being a git.

anniemac · 08/09/2008 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

solidgoldbrass · 08/09/2008 19:25

YOu really do need to go to mediation. You need a written agreement enforced by an outside authority because unfortunatlely your XP has decided that you are a 'woman' and therefore whatever you say can be ignored. He is enjoying bullying you and using yoru poor DS as a weapon against you and he needs firmly putting in his place.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 08/09/2008 19:43

sweetie I really feel for you,

it's good he wants to be involved with his son but as GB says it's time he took a step back.

fwiw I think things will get a sight lot worse - he's playing your son off of you, and for his part your son is playing the pair of you off of each other.

this current situation isn't fair on you or your DS.

firstly stop your X on your bed.

secondly see a solicitor/mediation - expect it to get nasty but stand your ground and be firm. expect DS to get upset, but long term things will settle.

if you have your DS every other week (a very fair compromise if you ask me) say to your X he can come over on a weds night take ds out for tea and that's all - to be back for half past 7 (or half hour before bed time and that's it)

to get over his self re you n him, and stop gloating/goading you. tell him if anything happens with DS you'll tell him - let him talk to ds say once a week as well - not sure what fair would be - but ring and then don't talk to him.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 09/09/2008 15:57

ex says it is not fair , that i made him leave (yes, my mistake, but he refused to ever come back)and now his relationship with his son is suffering/making ex "depressed" as he doesnt have nearly as much contact with ds as he did when we all lived together. Obviously thats what happens!

ex says he has no problem seeing me, so why do i have to make such a fuss- why dont i get on with my life?
He thinks its extremely unfair and that i am being a total bitch trying to stop him seeing his son when i tell him not to come round/text all the time.

i do feel guilty that ds doesnt see his dad every day like he used to, but it takes 2 to tango, and half the blame lies at my ex's door.

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 09/09/2008 16:08

exactly if you ask me he needs to also learn that he's not a part of your son's every day life - he needs to adjust as well it's not a case of his way or no way it's a happy medium.

he can't have things all his own way. that's not how things work.

TheProvincialLady · 09/09/2008 16:20

You need to set a few boundaries round your household arrangements. Can you learn how to do some of the DIY jobs yourself and pay a tradesman to do the rest (bill ExP 50% if he still owns 50%). And tell your son that daddy doesn't come into the house any more - end of. How on earth can you tolerate this man sitting on your bed? It is beyond acceptable on any level.

As for the fuss of not seeing DS every day - it is unfortunate for him but that is what thousands of parents have to deal with. You all need to move on, not least so your son knows what is going on.

mabanana · 09/09/2008 16:24

Yeah, he has 'no problems' seeing you, why would he, you aren't calling him a 'total bastard' every five minutes! The point is YOU have a problem seeing HIM, due to his appalling and abusive behaviour and that is HIS fault so he has to take the consequences. And you ARE trying to get on with your life - without him dominating it. If you go to court you would get alternate weekends, almost certainly. It is unfair that you get no 'hanging out' time with your son at all, by the sound of things.

Tinkerbel6 · 09/09/2008 16:50

AGBU what about your ex picking your son up from school a couple of nights a week on the week he dont see your son and take him for his tea? you dont have let him pick and choose when its convenient for him nor do you have to let him come round 3 days per week to make up for it, you have a choice and although it may be hard you must stick to it. You don't have to do every other weekend you could do every friday night to saturday afternoon once a week and another night in the week to take him out for his tea, that way you both have a fun day with your son.

Your ex is 50% to blame, even though you asked him to leave he could have come back but he chose not too, so dont let him place that one on you, as for his smug comment make it known to have that you dont need a man to feel fulfilled and it certainly hasnt done him any good moving on so quickly if he is depressed.

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