Please, please pick through the details of this 'discussion' and tell me how it went wrong

[SmugColditz]

I don't know why it hasn't gone in a constructive way. I know I tend to be confrontational and childdish when angry but, I wasn't angry.

me - "I need to talk about Ds1's behavior when he's with you. He's playing up to get your attention - "

exp - "He gets my attention!"

me - "Well, yes, but that's not -"

exp - "Anyway it's not like he gets any of your attention!"

me "yes he does, he's been with me all week, who else do you think is looking after him?"

exp "You're always on the computer when I come round. Don't make out I don't give him attention when you sit on the computer."

me "I'm sitting on the computer when you are here BECAUSE you are here. I dn't do that when you're not. And this is besides the point, this isn't about you, or the amount of attention each of us give Ds1, it's about Ds1's behavior when you are here"

exp "So why are you saying I don't give him enough attention if that's not what it's about"

me "I haven't said that"

exp "You were going to."

me "You don't know WHAT I was going to say, you didn't give me chance to tell you, now do you actually want me to carry on trying to involve you in his life or shall I carry on and do what I think best without trying to discuss it with you?"

exp - "you do anyway, what else is new?"

me "Well what am I doing now if I'm not involving you? For Christ's sake, you don't KNOW what I was going to say, you're just playing the victim all the time, this is not about YOU, it isn't about what YOU are doing. I don't CARE what you do, my concerns do not lie with YOU."

exp "So why are you even bothering asking me?"

What happened? I went in with the intention of asking him to completely ignore ds1 when he's being deliberatly disruptive, but I don't understand how that didn't happen. I was shouty near the end of the conversation, because I had had enough. He says it was just an excuse to have a go at him.

Oh I do. But I'm fed up with always being on duty, and I think that's why they play up. The KNOW I'm going to take a back seat when he's here, and that he doesn't notice as much as I do - ie will ignore drawing on the walls because they aren't his walls, but will pretend he didn't see it happening - while I am upstairs or something.

He's supposed to come and give me a break but to be honest it's been harder having him here today. I don't mind doing all the ogre work while I'm on my own, but I really resent it when he gets to be BigLaxDad, and I have to step in.

he rarely takes them out, as he can't handle them without getting snappy. He moans and moans and moans at them when they don't do what he wants, but doesn't actually ENFORCE anything. So they do as they please but get moaned at the whole time. And I don't do that, I do one-two-three magic!

LOL! If it's any consolation, DH can be a bit like that too

I think that you are going to have to compromise with your own values on this. Exp is exp. I think it's safe to assume he wont change (but you never know, stranger things have happened etc). You can change how you deal with it though. If he's coming to give you a break - go out and do something, or, insist they go out and do something.

If exp is snappy or moany at them, well, that's how its going to be.

If they trash your house while you are out, then they will have to accept the consequences of that. I dont know how reasonable it would be to cancel access visit the follow week so that both guilty parties are punished but that's what I'd be thinking.

If they are misbehaving and exp isnt dealing with then they both need a short sharp shock dont they?

I guess I would just stop him coming to your house and tell him he has to find somewhere else to take them. Sorry I don't know the ins and outs but it may be the only way to get some respect from all parties!

Not sure of your situation, but I just wouldn't let the xp in my house.

It gives him the opportunity to put his feet under the table and wind you up. Withdraw the opportunity, it's of no benefit to you. Or to your DC's.