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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When you are pregnant and know that you are going to do it alone...

47 replies

electra · 01/09/2008 18:31

I have two dds already from my marriage. Recently I found out I was pregnant again (my coil came out) and the father is a man who I had a 6 month relationship with (he was living in England temporarily). I don't feel that I can have a termination. My family are trying to persuade me to place the child for adoption but when it comes to it I am concerned I won't be able to go through with it. My mother has said to me she thinks if I have the child and keep it my life will be screwed up.

Have any of you gone through your pregnancy knowing that your child won't know his/her biological father and also that you will have to do it all alone? I have spent the day crying about the situation I'm in. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or whether it's hormones...It seems as if the realization of what is going on has set in now and I feel very lonely.

OP posts:

frankbestfriend · 05/09/2008 14:14

Thinking of you too, let us know how you get on at the GPs x

Original poster

electra · 05/09/2008 21:50

Thanks. I went today. I'm going to have a scan next week. The whole thing is just so confusing.

OP posts:

frankbestfriend · 05/09/2008 22:57

How far along do you think you are? What sort of time frame do you have to make your decision?

Hope you are feeling a bit more positive.
It might help you to think about how you felt when you thought you were miscarrying- were you desperate for it not to happen or slightly relieved that the decision could be out of your hands?

Original poster

electra · 06/09/2008 01:40

I'm 9+6. Well I seem to change how I feel about it every day. I was talking to my friend the other day about it and she said that it is strange how whatever choice you make your life could go one path or another. If I miscarry I will know it was never meant to be I suppose.

My daughters are nearly 7 and nearly 5 and I really want to focus on them and make sure they have what they need. I feel as if I am out of the baby phase and to go back there again (without a suitable father) would be an unknown quantity. But it is very hard for me to ever be able to conclude that a termination is right for me. I can think of many reasons why having a baby now would not be a positive thing but however much I rationalise it I still feel that purposely ending the pregnancy goes against the grain...

OP posts:

frankbestfriend · 06/09/2008 12:24

I know how you feel.

I have one dd and although we are happily married the thought of another baby fills me with dread, and dd is nearly 8 now.

The older your children get the harder facing the baby stage becomes, iyswim, whether you are in a suitable relationship or not.

It's good you are talking to your RL friends though, they are probably better equipped to advise and support you, as they know you the best.

Keep posting and let me know how you are getting on, I appreciate how hard this decision is.

lucsnowe · 06/09/2008 21:52

Electra- let us know how you are. Really feel for you.

TJ70 · 07/09/2008 20:44

Hi Electra,

As there have been no more posts, I do hope that all is well with you.

I have just read all the posts from folk on this thread, and have to say it has made me feel a little better about my situation. I am 38, been having a very fun relationship with someone who is 13 years younger than me for only 2 momths, and then discovered I was pregnant (am only about 10 weeks. He has been very inconsistent with his what he is saying and how he is acting, he was not long out of a long term relationship, still living in same house as his ex and generally has some other issues to sort out in his own life... for the last month I have been supportive and considerate to his feelings and his woes and just being grateful for any bit of attention or time he may have for me and never give out about anything... But you know what, I am a strong person and will just get on and do this on my own and start focussing on me and my baby...

Electra, I do wish you lots of strength and positve vibes to get you through any difficult times that lie ahead.

frankbestfriend · 07/09/2008 22:37

Glad you feel better about your own situation TJ70, do you already have dcs?

Hope you're ok Electra, just posting to keep your thread in my active cons

Original poster

electra · 08/09/2008 18:45

Hi everyone, thanks for thinking of me. I am really very grateful to you all for your support. Mumsnet has been so helpful for me over the years in many ways...

I am still confused but tomorrow I am going for a scan because of the problems I had last week. My mum said to try not to think about it until the outcome of that.

TJ70 - the man I was with was younger than me too (I'm 28, he's nearly 21) but he lied to me about his age and said he was older. I think that because he's sicilian and doesn't speak english very well I did not pick up any clues from what he talked about. He seemed to think it was fine for him to lie, because otherwise I wouldn't have wanted to see him

OP posts:

frankbestfriend · 08/09/2008 22:56

Hope you are ok tomorrow whatever the outcome of your scan.
It's good that you have been able to share this with your Mum, I hope she will be a support for you.

Let us know how you get on.

TJ70 · 09/09/2008 10:42

Hi Electra

Hope all goes well today and good to hear your mum is being supportive, I think they all come around eventually - I guess its cos they care .

I agree with you completely about this site though, it is such an inspiration. I have only been registered a matter of days, but reading some of the posts really helps with dealing with own emotions and kind of puts things in perspective a little. I felt quite alone in my situation before Sunday, even though you know full well you are not - and it was just the light that I was looking for .

I wish you lots of strength at this difficult time.

Kewcumber · 09/09/2008 10:50

well I'm single and chose to adopt on my own so at the extreme end of what most people think is nomral! Being single is all I have known so most of the time I don;t really miss having a partner. Some things are harder but you spend no time pandering to imperfect partners that suck the life out of you (not having a go at all those perfect partners out there, I just never found one).

I'm not sure it helps you but DS will never know either of his biological parents. We will deal with that but in the meantime he will have the best life I can possibly give him.

Remotew · 09/09/2008 10:52

TJ70 I wish there had been mumsnet when I was pregnant and alone. That was 15 years ago now almost before computers had been invented

Remotew · 09/09/2008 10:58

Kewcumber, I didn't realise you had adopted. I now what you mean about having the life sucked out of you with imperfect partners. I regret letting DD's father walk all over me in the first few years of her life. I wished I'd just cut him out straight away. However, I just wanted her to have some sort of father so allowed it. What a waste of time.

Kewcumber · 09/09/2008 11:51

no rason why should should have known Eve unless you were around when I left for Kazakhstan in October 2006 when there was a therad on it.

Original poster

electra · 09/09/2008 12:01

I had the scan this morning and the baby looks ok. They dated me at 9 weeks. There is a heartbeat. I think seeing it will make it harder to have a termination. I feel as confused as ever.

OP posts:

TJ70 · 09/09/2008 13:04

oh Electra, i can imagine you must be very confused - I have not had my first scan yet, its in a couple of weeks, but just the mention of the word heart beat makes me even for a moment amindst all the confusion surrounding pregnancy. Hang in there...

TJ70 · 09/09/2008 13:11

.. and how true about feeling like having the life sucked out of you by being in selfish one sided relationships... it really does make one wonder why we bother.. . I really wish the father was Mr right and Mr perfect and wanted this and was supportive... but i will just see it as his loss in the end... and not feel bitter about it, as I think thats what eats away at you..

CapricaSix · 09/09/2008 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frankbestfriend · 09/09/2008 14:06

Electra, thanks for taking the time to let us know.

I don't think the fact that your (potential)dc may not know his father is really part your decision.
Plenty of children, myself included, are raised happily and successfully without a biological father.
Your decision is all about you and your dds, and whether you feel you are emotionally able to cope.

Hope you can try to make sense of your feelings in the next few days/weeks. Please let us know how you are getting along, you will find support here regardless of your final decision

Original poster

electra · 09/09/2008 20:54

I think that now I have seen it, it will be impossible for me to have a termination. I could see it moving and its heart beat. Thanks again for your support.

OP posts:

frankbestfriend · 09/09/2008 21:37

Aw, I'm glad your baby is ok, and I feel certain you have the strength to do this, once your hormones have died down a little.
Your baby will have a family who loves him/her, and that is the most important thing.
I had no ralationship with my bio father and I can honestly say it has not affected me one iota.

Wishing you huge amounts of luck and congratulations x

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