Exp's gf/ow just bought dd her first pair of shoes. I'm fuming, should I be?

[pinguthepenguin]

I try to be amicable with both of them- we are on speaking terms, dd spends alot of time there- about a third of her time, and gf even looks after dd when exp is at work. I feel so upset thoughm because I was really looking forward to it- even have a voucher for the shop I wanted to buy them in- and exp knew that. I asked him why I was left out of something like that- and he said he didn't even know gf was going to do it- it was 'spur of the moment' etc.

I sent her a text, politely asking her if to remember that while I appreciate the time she spends with DD, I am her mummy, and as suchm deserve to be involved in such little milestones, and would she please run things past me if she isnt sure in the future.

Did I do the right thing or have I over reacted? I always feel so unnerved every time I have a disagreement with them- I rely on them alot- but at the same always feel worried that they are trying to push me out of the picture.

motherhurdicure- lovely to hear form you- who would ever have thought I would have been over here on LP's thread weeks after being on the postnatal one eh? It just shows you- the only thing guaranteed in this life is change

Girls- you are all very kind to come on here and advise me, honestly. Can I just say though- that this woman does have a child of her own, so it I don't think it's strictly true to say that she wouldn't have known it wasn't ok.

Should you be? I don't know.

Would I be? Certainly!
(Am very sentimental about such things).

Pingu, I dont think you are being unreasonable, at all.

tI would have annoyed me hugely.

Ithink at best she was being thoughtless and at worst malicious. If it was lack of thought, then as a mother hersefl she should know better. Did i read that she was only 17, or did i make that up? If she is very young then maybe that comnes into it, not trying ion anyway to excuse her - she should have known better.

Hi Toby

No, she is 30, and has a child of her own, is educated and was an LP for several years herself.

in that case more shame on her - the cow!

Pingu - Just a thought, are you documentating all contact you have with ex and his gf (as texts can't really be kept easily)? I just read through some more posts and what popped out was what you said about your ex's 'threats' about the amount of time they have your dd.

As has already been said, I don't think courts aim for 50/50 contact, they want to act in the best interests of the dc, and to ensure that both parents are allowed sufficient contact. You are already in this position, as far as the courts would be concerned you have agreed a mutually acceptable arrangement. What would concern me slightly is that your ex could say something along the lines of 'we have dd for x number of hours per week, we bought her first shoes, first xxx, etc'.

From your previous posts it sounds as if you are worried about being 'squeezed out' of dd's life. I wouldn't usually think that you would have to worry about this, except for the fact that your ex has suggested this to you directly. I don't think he would get away with these games but, for your own peace of mind, could you keep records of all messages you send and receive? Would you also be prepared to write a very reasonable letter reiterating what you said in your text, addressed to both of them? Make it clear that you will continue to play the role of primary carer in your dd's life, and that any decisions regarding your dd, including milestones such as these, need to be agreed by you. You can dress it up to say (once again!) that you appreciate that the gf may have been acting in good faith, but that such actions will not be necessary in the future.

I think the reason that you are feeling so anxious after these incidents is because your ex has made it clear that he would play these contact games with you. Obviously, the gf is going to be part of your dd's life but you will always be her mummy. Your ex, and his gf, need to understand that you will not be pushed out.

Very sensible advice from fluffybubble except that I would disagree that the child's father was not equally capable and justified in buying her first shoes. What makes this less palatable is that it was the gf buying the shoes, as she is not related to the little girl and it comes across as a show of power. In normal circumstances Pingu I would think you were a bit paranoid, but your ex seems a piece of work and you should protect yourself.

Hi Pingu,

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. Maybe I'm petty but from your original OP I would been annoyed anyway. THEN I read that she was the one that caused you and your xp to break up!!

Like others have said, you are wonderfully restrained. I only wish I had as much dignity.

Hi Pingu.

No, she shouldn't have bought the first pair of shoes without consulting you first. She shouldn't have done it at all and I don't think it was respectful towards you or entirely innocent that she did so.

I am concerned about what your xp said about keeping a diary and noting the amount of time she spends with you and with him. That sounds a bit threatening and I know that the issue of him taking custody has been a worry for you in the past.

You are lucky that he does want to have dd to stay with him as it gives you the chance to have a life (apart from motherhood) as well. (Congrats on nm!) I would say it is only fair as he went off with the ow. Of course, some NRPs want their child to stay partly or purely in order to reduce the amount of maintenance they have to pay. I don't think this is the case where your xp is concerned, he does seem to care for his dd. However, I would not let him or 'her' (ow) get away with acting in a presumptuous manner (e.g. buying shoes). You are the mother and the parent with residence. Let's not forget that they both acted in an underhand way that lead to your relationship splitting up. That 'woman' should have a bit more humility!!!

Agree with TheProvincialLady, of course your ex is equally entitled to these firsts too. I imagine what grates is that the gf did this alone. As another mum, I would expect that she was probably fully aware that this would be a big deal to you. I guess the key is not to react too strongly (which you haven't) to avoid playing into her hands, but to state your position clearly to avoid future confusion. And keep records!

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all - I still have DS little "first shoes" photo card from Clarks tucked away.

Hopefully she was being thoughtless rather than malicious...

If you were saying she bought her a coat or any other pair of shoes then I would say "you should be glad she cares" but she was in the wrong this time

Sounds like you are well shot of your ex - real charmer isnt he

Thank you all for your replies. Sky- lovely to hear from you again

Fluff- You are indeed right that I am worried, (almost constantly) about being sidlelined. When she goes to their house, which is sometimes 2-3 nights per week, I fret that it is 'too much', and that they will use this against me to gain full residency. This is in spite of this agreement working for all of us at this present moment. The reason I feel like this is because of these seemingly petty incidences, which in actually feel more like wilful attempts to undermine my role as her mother.

Do you think it is worth my keeping a record of how often she goes there, as he is doing? Would a court consider that as evidence of DD's history?

I am another one who no longer sees it as a milestone. Ds had his first pair of cruiser shoes at 12 months. I didn't have his photo taken cos I wanted to wait until he got his proper walkin shoes. 10 months later and many pairs of shoes later he finally walked. Because cruiser shoes stop at size 5 he had ended up having a pair of proper walking shoes before he could properly walk and therefore didn't need another new pair of shoes until he had been walking quite a while. by this time the photo of his "first pair of shoes" seemed a bit silly.

I'd be annoyed.

and as she has a child herself I'm pretty sure she;s done knowing it'd piss you off.

I would keep a record of absolutely everything, at least while relations between you all are uncertain. You need to cover yourself in case you ever need to involve a solicitor. Maybe have a dedicated notebook/diary where you can jot down contact arrangements and any telephone / text / email information.

I don't think (am not an expert) that a court would add up your days with dd and compare this with the amount of time your ex has. Any records, though, would show that you are a fully involved, committed mother, who would like her child to have a healthy relationship with her father.

The current arrangement seems to suit you all. Tbh, I think it may be that your ex is being vindictive by using the threat of residency, and it will probably never come to that. But it doesn't hurt to be careful.

On a positive note, you are allowing your dd to have a close relationship with her dad. I imagine it is really hard to get the balance right but, as she grows up, I am sure she will appreciate the efforts you have made on her behalf. You will always be her mummy and, no matter what your ex and his gf would prefer, that's not going to change.

YANBU Pingu. My DP has a DD from a previous relationship and although at times, I have been quite confused about how I should act with her, I personally wouldn't have done this. I don't have children but I know that my mum has kept my first pair of shoes - it was sentimental to her.

Of course if it was done with the best of intentions then you obviously don't want to have a go at her (I do think you've been lovely in this situation actually) but hopefully, she'll have learnt a lesson here.

If it was done to annoy you then