Exp's gf/ow just bought dd her first pair of shoes. I'm fuming, should I be?

[pinguthepenguin]

I try to be amicable with both of them- we are on speaking terms, dd spends alot of time there- about a third of her time, and gf even looks after dd when exp is at work. I feel so upset thoughm because I was really looking forward to it- even have a voucher for the shop I wanted to buy them in- and exp knew that. I asked him why I was left out of something like that- and he said he didn't even know gf was going to do it- it was 'spur of the moment' etc.

I sent her a text, politely asking her if to remember that while I appreciate the time she spends with DD, I am her mummy, and as suchm deserve to be involved in such little milestones, and would she please run things past me if she isnt sure in the future.

Did I do the right thing or have I over reacted? I always feel so unnerved every time I have a disagreement with them- I rely on them alot- but at the same always feel worried that they are trying to push me out of the picture.

It's a difficult one. I used to stand back from doing things for my stepsons, thinking that their mother wouldn't want me to step on her toes.

But no - she is delighted that I am taking good care of them and is relieved of her maternal responsibilities.

There is no one way to be a stepmother (it's hard to know where the boundaries lie as one rarely knows the biological mother well) and IMVHO you are better off knowing that she is a caring woman who sometimes oversteps a boundary than that she doesn't care.

They cannot do that pingu. She still spends 2/3 of her time with you. Its a normal arrangement in anyones eyes. They would have to have a bloody good reason to try it and I'm sure that will never happen.

Just be thankful, in a way, that she seems to care about your DD rather than some heartless bitch that sees a little innocent as a threat and there are plenty out there.

You seem to be coping in a very natural fashion. Don't forget that whatever happens you will put your daughter first, then yourself and if they can help you do that in any way then its worth keeping a reasonably amicable arrangement. x

I'm not surprised that you are thinking along those lines about them, pingu.You have NOT lost the plot and you do need to keep alert to the control and the usurping of your role.
I wouldn't trust them if I were you. After all they both have previous in theft.
How could you possibly have adjusted to this yet? You are doing so well.
x

So pleased for you over the hol with nm!
And granny had the treat of a lovely time with her gdd.

I dont think you're being unreasonable pingu. I actually became really good friends with my ex's new partner (he met her about 6 months after we'd split). She spent a lot of time doing things with ds and looked after him for me while I was at work for the last part of their relationship. Yet, as good friends as we were, she would never have done anything like that without checking with me first. She had no kids of her own but still understood. I was his parent, she was not and no matter how silly it may have seemed to her, she knew there were certain things that I would have been annoyed about!

Exactly what abouteve said....

isn't it true though, that judges these days are in favour of shared care? ie, 50/50? exp once warned me to be careful, because he had been keeping a diary, and it was bordering on 50/50 in each house and that would be noted.

That was just a threat. AFAIK and I'm not expert there is such a thing as a main resident carer, usually the mum even though you are co-parenting.

Totally understand how you feel. The thought to bin them would have crossed my mind (I know, I know!) but buying the first pair is a pleasure as it signifies they're growing up, esp if it's your pfb.

I am cross with FIL who bought ds his first watch this holiday, after we had mentioned ds was getting a watch after his first week in school as a surprise. Not much of a surprise now but then I know FIL isn't being malicious, just selectively deaf!

I know what you mean heated- although I wish I could be sure there was no mal intent in her actions.

I don't think you're over reacting - I would have been upset too. I have SD's and have never done 'first's' without their mums ok.

Oh truly,... embrace the fact that she cares for your little one. Caring about the other womans children is really diffcult sometimes and I am sure she is very much aware that you have pole position as it were.

But in the interests of harmonious relations,...try and think that they are only shoes. Lots of people I have spoken to say that their second child gets the shoes of the first where possible,...that does seem to burst the milestone theory!

Well, I confess I did put the watch away whilst on holiday and ds has never asked about it . Practical dh says the watch we've bought is much nicer and FIL's will be a spare. Do the same with the shoes (perhaps save them for at her Dad's?).

I do honestly appreciate that she cares for my DD and I made this clear in my text- Ialso said I was sure she was acting with the best of intentions ( despite not really believing this). The point I'm making here is that there are some things that I want to do with my DD- I am her mummy

With respect, I dont think its all about shoes to pingu?

Its about something you may have set your heart on for your little one and see it as a first, and something that you are really looking forward to. Then when someone else goes and does it without even bothering to ask, well you feel gutted! Just because its not a milestone to someone else doesn't mean it isnt a milestone for pingu.

Fwiw, I'd also be pissed if someone else decided to buy the birthday cake for one of my kids. Sad? Petty? Perhaps, but its our little "tradition". Touch the cake at your peril

I think you are very diplomatic pingu

Oh I did not mean to demean pingu s feelings ,...sorry if that came across.

I suppose I just thought that with a child so young it is a long haul to have angst about GF's well meant intentions at each "first" if you see what I mean.

Littlepushka, I posted in a similar vien earlier, but then changed my mind a little. If it was your b/f's dc would you have treaded more carefully? Especially if you were the cause of the family breakdown.

I think Pingu has had some great advice on this thread.

Im sure you didn't littlepushka . It didnt come across like that. Im a soppy mum so tend to pop up on threads like this!

(Or anything in lone parents or course).

About Eve, I suspect that I may have done the same thing as GF did before I became a mother myself... without ever dreaming that this would be unacceptable/unreasonable. I'd have seen it as a kind thing and fun for DC to do and no malice would have been intended. Backing off now as hate to upset! Regards

I think first shoes are a milestone. I would have been very upset (logically or illogically, as you like it, but I would have been )

Think you handled it very, very graciously under the circumstances. Especially as she was the cause of the family breakdown. I'd have been incandescant, tbh.

Courts are not more towards shared care.
Its always mum unless child at risk.

You have no reason to worry that he would get custody, it wont happen.
I agree that he is undermining you though, saying he is keeping a diary...let him, no one will read it!

Read only the OP. I understand why you were upset - but suspect that gf was well intended (if a little unintentionally thoughtless)