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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Here I am over 48hrs since DS1 and 2 told me they wanted live with daddy.........

44 replies

FAQ · 21/08/2008 21:38

admittedly in the midst of a horrendous afternoon. But DS1 is still saying he wants to.

Don't know what to say/do when he mentions it, I was hoping it was just the result of a really fun weekend at exh's house and a particularly bad afternoon. But he keeps bringing it up, even in totally random moments.

I know that all children go through phases of wanting to live with the absent parent - and he has briefly mentioned it before, but never like this. ex probably wouldn't be totally averse to having them either - but of course I don't want them to go

WTF do I do if he (DS1) keeps saying it???

OP posts:

gagarin · 21/08/2008 22:35

FAQ - I would guess that he is not rejecting YOU but yearning for the way things used to be.

The new bedroom sounded exciting but it's turned out to be unsettling and prob a bit scary and isolating? Perhaps those lonely & unsettled feelings have brought back his feelings about not being with his dad?

Put them all in together and make one room the playroom or dressing room?

Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 22:37

there's not enough space in the DS2/3's room for them all to share, could probably just about squeeze them all in for now, but once DS3 comes out of his cot (and at the rate he's climbing now that probably won't be long) there simply isn't space for another bed in there

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lojoesmammy · 21/08/2008 22:38

cant you put all the furniture in ds1/spare room so in the other room is just the two beds and the cot. I had always shared with my sister until I was 12, then I was put in the big room ... I hated it, it felt lonely and empty. I was pleeded to go back in with my sister, I got my way in the end.

Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 22:40

not enough space in DS1's room - there's only really just enough space for the cabin bed and wardrobe - and the amount of furniture in the other room is too much to go in there (and it's all being used too).

Also DS2 doesn't want to share with DS1 again.......so there we have an entirely new problem

OP posts:

Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 22:41

although DS1 despite the small size of his room has more floor space than DS2 and 3 do put together lol

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lojoesmammy · 21/08/2008 22:43

cant you swap things around, and put all three boys in your bedroom and you and your stuff go in the boys room.

Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 22:44

oh and there's a bunk bed in DS2's room - he used to be on the bottom bunk, DS1 on the top - of course as soon as DS1 moved out DS2 went to the top - and if they were to stay in the same room together DS2 would be devastated to be put back on the bottom.

Oh crp wish I'd never bothered spending all that money on DS1's room now......and their lovely custom made door signs (they have names you can't* buy in the shops so was delighted to be able to get signs made for them with their names on}

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Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 22:51

I'm not sure if I could - I did consider it ages ago when X first moved out - but I have ahuge triple wardrobe in my room - (that needs to be dismantled before moving it as it won't fit through the door lol), and I'm not sure it and my other furniture would fir in the 2nd bedroom. Plus I have no carpet on the floor - and damp in the corner.

and I'd had a redundant "blue" room (trying to find the funny side in this)

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stealthsquiggle · 21/08/2008 22:53

I'm sure it will settle again FAQ - with no term-time routine DS1 probably has too much time to think about how much he wants things to be the way they used to be...

It was his idea to have his own room - setting it up as camping might help sell the idea of (temporarily) sharing again to DS2 - or maybe DS1 and DS2 could try a one-night swap?

As someone else said - the grass is always greener - which kind of covers both the issues DS1 has right now.

Good luck - I can barely referee DS and DD even with the (occasional) help of DH, so I think you are doing amazingly well with all 3 of them.

Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 22:55

gosh I've just re-read some of my posts - I sound like I'm making excuses as to why all of your ideas wouldn't work. I'm not really - I do appreciate them - definitely going to try and make some space on the floor (there's no way I can clear the bottom bunk off) for him to camp in there next week.

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stealthsquiggle · 21/08/2008 23:00

Good Luck with it. Contrary creatures, DC - DD can get me close to tears by changing her mind 5 times about what pyjamas she will condescend to put on so what happens when she is old enough that she and DS compare rooms and decide in one direction or the other that it is not fair I shudder to think.

I hope they go for the camping idea.

Original poster

FAQ · 21/08/2008 23:02

Thanks - I'll need it just to clear some space - at the moment there is literally just enough space for DS1 and 2 to squat on the floor playing with toys keeping DS3 occupied in the morning when he first wakes up!

Off to bed now - got an all-nighter tomorrow night and a busy day tomorrow - and didn't crash on the sofa until 2am this morning.......

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 21/08/2008 23:27

But if he is temporarily moving out of his new room, cant you move all your "junk" (sorry) into his new room so he can fit in the bottom bunk and have play space on the floor?

gillybean2 · 23/08/2008 12:05

Can you not make it a holiday adventure? We don't have a spare bed so my ds shares his bed with a friend if he stays over, or sleeps in my bed if they get over tired and can't sleep. He's young enough still to do this and I put a pillow at either end of teh bed. If you can't do this then I'm sure there must be room on the floor for him to camp down in there too? If you have carpet it'll be soft enough. Can you borrow a sleeping bag from someone to make it proper camping? If not duvet will surfice.

Or do you have a play tent they can put up in the lounge? You can get a very cheap one at ikea. Maybe let ds1 & ds2 both camp in the tent in the lounge and have a midnight feast and stay up late watching dvd's or something as another fun holiday thing. Get a disposable BBQ and let them toast marshmallows on it outside as if they really were camping too.

Would also suggest that your ds1 might benefit from spending a little more time with his dad, not just fun time either, but real time with his to see what it's really like. Could you suggest that he spends a week at his dad's in the holiday? See how he gets on. I'm sure he'll miss you and his siblings after more than a few days and when he sees how your ex is about cleaning up, cooking and doing the mundane things (which lets face it can be avoided over a couple of days in the name of having some fun together). Plus if he has no siblings to play with while dad is doing chores it'll get boring pretty quick.

Also ds1 could probably do with some one on one time with you. Can you take him swimming or visit the science museum or something like that while your parents/friend/neighbour have the other 2? Maybe some things with ds1 & ds2 together too. Even if it's just a scavenger hunt in the park. Make everyday things more fun.

Also might sound silly but have you asked him what it is he misses from his old room? Something as simple as a nightlight or his favourite poster on the wall might help settle into the new room.

CarGirl · 23/08/2008 12:12

Hi FAQ I really do think that your ds1 is just missing the way it was, missing his Dad etc etc Can you arrange for your ex to have them for a whole week so they get some normal time with him (rather than full on entertainment).

Generally can your ex just see more of them - weekend and one evening minimum per week?

Perhaps the room think is about ds1 feeling lonely, alone which is compounded by the split?

chapstickchick · 23/08/2008 12:35

FAQ- to be blunt not nasty dont let your emotions cloud what is a typical 8 year olds 'i want' request,you have done so well and are coping relly well with all the issues that have arisen this last year or so......life has moved on your exdp has a new life you have built up a new life for yourself too with your friendships on mn ,new hairdo and from your threads i gather a new man!!! go faq!!!!

your ds is almost 8 the world is hard to understand at 8 and change is definitely harder- he wants the security of what life was like hes had tons of changes and hes seeking old comforts.

in a week hes back at school with all his old friends who probably have had changes themselves.

if i were you id explain that room is his you specially did it for him BUT if he would like to top to toe with his middle brother he can but in his room as ds3 cant be disturned-hes old enough to understand that and may well like being in charge of sleepovers.

as for living with daddy u know as well as i do that if you did agree within a week hed want to live with you again - its very hard to explain but from a childs point of view i think they have mummy and daddy love mixed together if the relationship breas down and the mummy and daddy love has to be seperate its hard for a child to understand nd i suspect that hes missing his dads presence rther than wanting his dad only.

this has been a summer of firsts for you - your holiday was a milestone and you can do this just believe in yourself and dont send texts doubting yourself!!!!

Original poster

FAQ · 24/08/2008 11:40

sorry for not coming back to you on this thread - was busy all day Friday, out friday night,and recovering all day yesterday .

I've told DS1 he can "camp" in with his brothers until the start of term again.

Top to toeing with DS2 is out of the question unfortuantely - as not only do they end up fighting like cat and dog, DS1 still wets the bed everynight, whereas DS2 is dry - if DS2 has an accident, or wakes up to even a tiny damp patch (even if it's just sweat) he gets hysterical!

I'm going to see if I can get the bottom bunk cleared - although there's too much stuff on it to fit into DS1's new room.

I don't have carpet on my bedroom floor so I think it would be rather cruel to have anyone sleeping on that

Once we get back into term time routine I might try and see if I can find someone to look after DS2 and 3 so I can do something with DS1 occasionally on the weekends they're with me. I migh try the swimming, although then I'd have to try and find someone to come with me to take DS2 and 3 at some point - as DS2 adores swimming.

I can't see ex having him (or them) for a week, he had them Fri-Sunday last weekend (first time he's had them for 2 nights in a row) - but next weekend is only having them one night again "because of work" Even if ex did manage to arrange for DS1 to have a week there, he'd then have to arrange to have DS2/3 for a week separately - as DS2 would be devastated at DS1 getting "extra" daddy time.

We were going to go blackberry picking this afternoon (all 4 of us) but it's been raining most of the night and much of this morning, and although it's brightened up I think it's probably too wet and slippery where we usually go for today - thankfully they knew it would depend on the weather as to whether we went today - or during the week.

OP posts:

fransmom · 24/08/2008 16:15

oh faq ((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))
dd said the same and it ripped me apart, even tho she is only three.

i hope things settle for you soon xxx

ilovemydog · 24/08/2008 18:58

I was about your DS's age when I decided I wanted to live with daddy... Both parents took it seriously, but not toooo seriously, iyswim.

It may be really difficult, but ask him what he likes about staying at his Dad's.

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