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Christmas arrangements... Yes yes I know its a bit early.

23 replies

Skramble · 21/08/2008 00:27

Trying to figure out what to do this Christmas to keep everyone happy.

I used to do christmas dinner and all that at mine with PIL, last year (1st loan year) I attempted to keep it fairly similar with exH staying christmas even and him desperate to leave almost before dinner. It was traumatic.

This year MIL has invited herself to mine on Christmas Eve, invited me and new man to hers on Christmas day, offered to take kids on Christmas day night so I can have time with my partner (told her no I want my kids).

Then at some point kids go to dads or dad comes to PIL's on boxing day, (I work Boxing day anyway), I will perhaps pick them up on 27th and head up to my Mums with kids.

now I have put it all down on paper it doesn't sound too bad. It all seemed so messy when it was going round in my head, or am I kidding myself on. I wasn't even going to have my new man down on Christmas day because I was going to be with the exPIL, but MIL expects him to be there.

Anyway how are you all working the dreaded Christmas pass the parcel game .

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gillybean2 · 21/08/2008 08:32

How old are the children? And do you have an agreement/court order that says half the holidays or alternate christmas' or similar?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 21/08/2008 08:39

well this year (not sure about next) but this year is like last year in many ways.

XH will come to us on the 23rd and stay till the 27th. so the 3 of us will have 3 days together. boxing day i'll take DS to mums for the family piss up get together. XH will then take DS to yorkshire to see his folks for a few days (not sure yet what's going on re NYE, one would imagine XH won't want DS there, i'm fine having DS here, (think it will be odd tbh without him.) new beau want's us to do something over xmas time/NYE but have said will see him on the 27th as then we can be just us.

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2008 10:32

I was thinking about this the other day actually. This is out first xmas since we split so not exactly sure what we are going to do!?

Usually, my mum/stepdad/brother come round to ours on xmas eve, have tea and swap kids presents. Then on xmas day my dad/stepmum come over in the afternoon to swap pressies. Ex did all the cooking (am crap) and then we would all go to my mum's boxing day. No PIL involved as abroad.

Now this year, am thinking maybe ex could come round xmas eve and stay over so he can be with kids xmas morning and everything else as before. Am hoping ex will drop us off at my mums for a while on his way home in the afternoon.

But, I also have new man on the scene, who has a daughter. I would like to spend some time with them both on Xmas Day too. He usually spends the day with his family and picks up his daughter around lunchtime. His mum is very family orientated and he says she would love us all round hers so we may go over there for tea/evening on xmas day. If new man picks us up from my mums, with his daughter, we can spend an hour or so with my family before going to his.

PHEW! May be complicated but at least I won't have to cook a full xmas dinner if things work out!!

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 21/08/2008 10:34

hmm, if you're all with your partners, how long have you been together? maybe I should see beau on xmas eve or something? but then I want to be with DS. or beau could come to mums on boxing day? who knows, just like to keep him seperate for now.

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2008 10:41

well things might not exactly work out as above! it also depends on what ex is wanting to do that day as well.

have been with new man since march and things are going good so far. i also thought that if we can't do things as previous post, i might suggest lunch with new man on xmas eve and him come to my mums on boxing day. i'm not really bothered about new year so would really prefer if we could all spend some time together on xmas day.

of course, it's up to you spandex, if things are only new with your beau it can be more comfortable and less hassle to keeps things a little more separated and spend quality time with him while your ex and ds are away.

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2008 10:46

ex and i don't have any formal agreement in place yet but we did agree to 50/50 over school holidays.

we usually take turns with taking time off over the xmas period for childcare and it's my turn this year.

my dc are a little older (6 and 13) so they also have a say in when they want to stay at their dads. i am assuming that they will stay with their dad for a couple of days between xmas/new year.

Skramble · 21/08/2008 10:46

I have been with NM since about April, split last Oct from exH. Kids are 9 and 11. No court orders, we agree time week by week due to his work.

Last year he stayed Christmas eve, went to eve service at church with PIl like we always did, but that went horribly wrong when I growled at him for texting in the church, later found out MIL thought I was just being a bitch to him for no reason, but since had the chance to explain that I growled he lost it and I spent the rest of the service saying "sorry, calm down". Once we were home and PIl went away, I got all the presents down while sobbing my heart out in front of him, it really hit me that even though he had left it was no different, I had always bought everything and organised it all, when he asked to help put the stockings out I lost it and said no as he hadn't contributed to them. Feck I had even reserved his present for DD at Argos as I knew they were selling quick and I knew he wouldn't get it.

Anyway... funny I hadn't really thought of having NM there on Christmas day, I thought I would visit him when kids were at exH's or when I went to my Mums. We are getting very close and by then we will have been away at Oct together with the kids, so???

SpandexIsMyEnemy I take it you get on okay with exH or will it be a case of grinning and bearing it?

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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 21/08/2008 10:46

will be er 5/6 months by then I think (started tail end of june/beg july)

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 21/08/2008 10:48

hmm yes we do - tbh when we get on it's like nothing has changed, but on the other hand when we don't (which is becoming less) we really don't.

for the sake of a few days thou we both agree to put our probs aside for DS.

then again he's 2.5, so a lot younger than your children.

Skramble · 21/08/2008 10:50

If I suggested 50/50 over the holidays he would die off, he did manage to take time off this summer ( first time ever since he has had kids, but funny his NW is a teacher ) but did not try to plan any of it around the kids so he only saw them a few days in that time and a few other days here and there plus his slightly more regular evenings. I only work part time but away a lot in the summer hols but good old MIL takes the kids then.

I am amazed that MIL wants me to bring NM along for Christmas day , but she seems to think all is well in the world as long as I have a man .

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Skramble · 21/08/2008 10:51


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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 21/08/2008 10:54

from your DC's - do you buy the pressies for the xinlaws or do you?

last year I did - well I have a goodie bag I add to all year for them so gave XH a load of stuff from DS and said you pick who has what. but this year should he be buying for his family from DS? (can't really afford the extra tbh)

I feel obliged to buy somehting for XH form DS - althou I don't knmow why, I had nothing last year, nothing for my birthday and again nothing for mothers day from DS via XH - (mum did get me some bits from DS)

Skramble · 21/08/2008 10:59

I get the kids to choose a wee something, last year I just did the same, he has the kids overnight occasionaly so will have time to do this with them now I suppose, I don't know if it would occur to him TBH as he has never had to do this at all, in fact I was surpirised he bought anything at all last year, but I suspect his NW had a lot to do with it, kids got a few things that I recognised as being form the Book Man (they sell to teachers etc in staff rooms).

I will probably just do what I have always done, I love letting the kids choose things, DD chose a vibrating pink duck for my BIL's GF , apparently she loved it

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bluebell1 · 21/08/2008 12:37

Oh this has reminded me how stressful it all is.Last year was first christmas since me and ex split.I had just moved into a new flat and stupidly spent most of christmas day with him.Big mistake.He ruined my christmas as he did every christmas we were together.
Havent fully decided what to do this year but i hope things are better than last year.Its ds1 birthday on christmas eve so its stressful enough anyway.

Skramble · 21/08/2008 13:57

I know christmas seems to be stressful enough at the best of times never mind adding a recently exedH, uncomfortable inlaws and about as much emotion as one woman can handle .

I am determined to relax and enjoy it this year after last years farce.

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MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2008 19:01

I will get ex something from the dcs. It was his birthday a few weeks ago and I asked them what they'd like to get him (gardening stuff) and they decided a voucher from B&Q would be better. Will probably end up getting him a few bits (ie smellys/socks) and a nice pressie from the two of them. Fortunately I don't have the ex-inlaw problem really as they are abroad, so will just send cards.

Lord knows if/what he will get the dc's, it's usually me that does all the present planning and buying.

It can be so difficult trying to please everyone for one day!

lunavix · 21/08/2008 19:12

last year i had dc's christmas eve (my yrequest) they woke up at mine and stayed until 1ish then went to PILs with H, and the idea was that he'd return them boxing day night, but he didn't actually return them till the 28th night.

I went round a friends who was also recently single and had christmas dinner with her and her dcs and not going to lie felt very sorry for myself for the next 2.5 days But waking up on christmas morning is realy important to me which cooking a roast dinner isn't Am dreading it this year. Still single and I have no family And my friend has a bf

mypandasgotcrabs · 21/08/2008 19:43

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Last year was our 1st year after split, but xp was still staying at ours. We agreed to spend Christmas day together, but he ruined it by being a miserable arse, and drinking from the moment he woke, snapping at hte boys when they wanted to play wiht their presents/show him them. Went to my parents for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

SO this year will be 1st proper year, so really don't know what's going to happen. Sometimes xp and I get on, sometimes we don't, I don't really know how to approach the subject with him.

We used to do one year Christmas at home & new year at ILs (Wales), then the other way round the following year. TBH though, I don't think he'll want to take them up for Christmas at all.

Not sure what I'll do if I don't have them as I don'thave any single parent friends I could tag along with, and all my single friends will probably be spending the day with their families. I certainly wouldn't want to spend the whole day with my parents, they'd do my head in lol, but I'm so different from them I really wouldn't enjoy it.

Skramble · 21/08/2008 22:45

Funny my DD was talking to me about this today, she has bat ears. She wants me and exH at my PIL together on Christmas day, I tried to explain that we might do it seperate this year, but it would almost be like two Christmas days, she seemed to like the idea of that.

She also asked about getting daddy a present, I said perhaps granny or grandad might help her with this.

I also told her she can organise a buffet for Christmas eve, she like dthe idea of that, but given that she is 9 it could be interesting .

So it might all work out, I will have to have a meeting with exH and make sure we agree on it all. Found meeting in a cafe for coffee while kids in activities is better rather than me trying to sort out things as he flings the kids out the car like a drive by shooting.

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gillybean2 · 23/08/2008 11:48

If you can talk about it so much the better. And most children are quite happy to have 2 christmas days! It is more about how you feel at the end of the day I think and if you can be alone at christmas.

25th Dec is just a date picked pretty randomly. It's not actually the date Jesus was born and lots of people celerate Christmas on different days.

I would suggest that if PIL are wanting to have you both round and I think you mentioned they'd said you could bring your NM (?) then maybe they are planning on inviting your ex's NW too? That might make things a little more uncomfrtable. Are you happy to have a 'family' xmas dinner there?

Perhaps you could compromise and have your dd all day xmas eve and xmas morning. Then you could go over to PIL for xmas dinner and then leave her there and go home and spend the evening with your NM while she spends the rest of the day with her dad. Your ex can have dd xmas night and boxing day so you split the holiday. Then next year swap it the other way.

Hardest thing is waking up xmas morning with your children not being there I think. But if you know they're going to be there later that day and you'll be tucking them into bed after their exciting and happy xmas day then that has to be wonderful too I think.

Skramble · 25/08/2008 12:34

gillybean2 I checked, she is not planning to invite exH and his GF. I wouldn't contemplate taking my NM if exH wanted to go to his mums too for Christmas dinner. I think exH is happy to do it seperate. I will still have kids on Christmas night and send them round to MIL's first thing and exH can pick them up from there or stay if that is waht they are doing. He will have them on 26th night.

I don't think I could consider swapping it next year, no chance. I know he is their dad, but it is him that chose not to live with his children so I still don't see it as being fair handing them over when ever he happens not to be working and it suits, and he gets them on the only days of the weeks they don't have activities, thats is bad enough.

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Skramble · 25/08/2008 12:34

Oh and I had a chat with DS and he was happy with what I suggested might be happening.

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Leslaki · 31/08/2008 09:31

Wow!! can't beliueve so many of you actually have your ex staying with you over Xmas!!!! I couldn't contemplate that. Would be hideous nightmare! Plus his psycho NW (she keeps trying to be be my bestfriend and was a bit of a psycho just at time I found out about them)would expect to come too so NO WAY!!!! He chose to leave and haas seen the kids for 1 1/2 hours over the school holidays! So I will be having the kids Xmas eve and Xmas day. They can go to him on Boxing Day. I will be big enough to invite his parents round for brunch or something on Xmas day if they want to but they probably wont bother. My parents and gran will be down so ex will be too embrarassed to show his face! Will be quite nice this year without him grumbling about how stupid the whole santa thing is etc etc - kids are 5 and 6 FGS!!! Also will sve me a fortune as he always demanded BIG presents. Will take the kids to the pound shop and they can choose soemthing for him there. I will buy PIL a small gift from the 3 of us and wil buy for ex's brither's children as I still see myself as their aunt. Ex will not even contemplate buying anything for me frrom kids or my nieces!!!

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