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Contacting ex’s parents?

3 replies

GLC · 15/08/2008 16:25


I am looking for some advice on this one please. Basically my DS?s father was separated from his wife when we got together properly(we had been friends for about 5 years)and after about a year I fell pregnant. Turned out he had moved back in with his wife and was not on the contracting jobs he had told me were keeping him away for a few weeks at a time . Wife is non the wiser about his antics and I now have a 2 year old whose paternal grandparents are also oblivious to his existence. Ex has nothing to do with us now and has even relocated overseas to avoid the CSA!!

I want to go and meet them face to face but there is split opinion between my family. Some think I should write and leave it in his parent?s court whether they want involvement with my DS.

Please can you all leave your suggestions ? I do want to deal with this as sensitively as possible but fear that if they get a letter, they will ring DS?s father who will deny being dad (as he has to CSA) and then I will never get to talk to them anyway.

What would you all do?


OP posts:
Hassled · 15/08/2008 16:29

It's not clear why you want contact with the grandparents - is it just a bigger sense of family for your son?

A face to face meeting wouldn't achieve anything that a letter can't - and you're much more likely to get a gut "that's no grandchild of mine" sort of reaction if you just showed up and told them. A letter gives them time to sit and think and come up with a reasoned response. It will be a hell of a shock for them, and I think you need to tread very carefully.

gillybean2 · 16/08/2008 09:23

I think a letter would be a better first move. Immediate reactions are never the same as the ones when people have had time to let something unexpected out of the bnlue like this put upon them. SOmetimes people can find it very hard to change their mind from their first reaction if it's been in 'public', when having time to think about it and get thoughts in order leads to a different result. Not sure I'm explaining that very well but I hope you understand what I mean.

Don't back them into a corner they can't get out of.

How would you meet them face to face anyhow? You'd have to contact them to arrange the meeting and you'd have to give some reason for wanting it. Or were you planning to turn up on the doorstep?

IMO - Go with a letter.

Are you sure you can't go through the courts to get your ex to pay maintenance via REMO (reciprocal enforcement of maintenance orders). Check it out on the CSA website (CSA don't do it but info is on their website) and then contact your local court for an application form if the country he is in is one that is part of REMO. Worth a try as you won't be any worse off than you are now...

GLC · 18/08/2008 12:02

Gillybean2 - Thank for the info re REMO - amazing how CSA themselves cannot tell you this information when they tell you there is nothing they can do!!

Hassled - yes I want my little boy to have some sense of where his roots are. I do not have any family in the UK and therefore he does not have any regular contact with family. I also feel it is important that his grandparents know about him and can then make the decision themselves if they want any involvement.

My little one also has quite a few illnesses and each time we have to see Drs they want to know about family history of similar illnesses and I feel awful that I can only tell them about my side of the fmaily and have no idea on paternal side.

Thanks again for the advice!

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