Is it just me???

[HappyMumof2]

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nope, your'e not weird
feel just the same, mind you a little TLC wouldn't go amiss

No, it's not just you - I feel exactly the same. I am much happier on my own and, tbh, a relationship would just get in the way right now.

I have more than enough on my plate without worrying about yet another person's feelings Plus, the guy is going to have to be absolutely amazing to deal with my chaotic, difficult life (and me!) right now and I'm just not sure there's anyone out there up to the job!

Whenever I read posts on here with people saying how useless their dh is etc I just think 'Thank god I'm not in that place anymore.' I'm much better off alone.

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doesn't sound sad at all, sounds normal.

I think it depends on your set up, and yours is obviously very good. I feel exactly the same - I feel like my life has reached an equilibrium, i've got a good work/ life balance, I'm financially stable, if poor, we have an organised routine and I value the peace and contentment of our family life.

Somebody coming into that to disrupt it, would have to have so much to offer; and without wishing to sound cynical, most men simply don't have that much to offer.

I think you are approaching it in exactly the way I would - which is to say, seriously evaluating this man's future relationship potential. I sometimes wish I had the disposition to approach it differently - why can't we just view it as going out for a laugh? I wonder why my first thought is to immediately consider the "bother" factor, instead of a more lighthearted view. Would we have more fun if we could live in the moment a bit more?

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im married, but sometimes feel like this.
crap relationship, but cant be bothered to change it. i think most people end up like this.
my younger sis is single, in great job, love s her life, doesnt want the hassle of a man. and all the problems that they bring.
i think we all come to this equilibrium eventually

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Wanted to add too that I also value the serenity my life has now, and don't want to risk that - which definitely makes me cautious.......but whatever happened to the idea of just having some fun? I know we're not uni students anymore, and have children that depend on us, so I'm not talking about silly/irresponsible fun. But sometimes I think that I've traded my lighthearted ability to laugh/enjoy myself for a peaceful life. I now tend to overthink things as I'm so relieved to finally be in a calm emotional "cul de sac". Don't want to be in such emotional pain ever again, but think maybe I am now so careful that I have inadvertently shut that side of myself down completely.

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Definitely agree that you don't want some psycho stalker who's obsessed with you and rings dozens of times a day.

I know that I too am happy without a man. But I also know it's because I am completely in control of my emotions. There's not someone messing me about, upsetting me, etc. Would like to think that there can be "happy" surprises from being with a man, instead of the painful surprises many of us have experienced....which perhaps led to our single mum status!

have you been really hurt in the past by any chance or still loving someone? i only ask (sorry to be personal) because i feel just the same. i get lonely but the few (and i mean few) occasions when ive met someone i dont want them in my house, i dont want to love anyone again and i dont want anyone to love me again. it just seems too much hassle...then i think why am i like this? its only been since a certain ex. i would like a bf, to have a laugh with, go out with, someone i fancied, who liked me just as i am...perhaps basically a male friend but with snogs and stuff aswell?! if i have a man in my house i dont like it, kinda feel like well if he goes then looking at stuff here would be painful..if its neutral ground then i cant keep pining. think im scared of being hurt basically. do you think that could be it at all?

For me, it's the fact that my children are involved. Any man who came into my life would have to be kept totally apart from them, so that they didn't get attached to him and have him disappear two or three years later. They've already lost one male role model (albeit a bad one), I don't want them to have a series of men coming into their lives and disappearing again, leaving them with the impression that adult relationships between men and women are temporary.

Or he would have to marry me and be a permanent part of the children's life.

The problem is the middle stage - how do you get from keeping a man apart from your children so he doesn't damage them (emotionally) to a stage where he is an accepted and (hopefully) permanent part of your and their lives?

It is obviously possible - the fact that other people have done it proves that! But for me, I haven't stumbled across anyone in three years that seemed worth missing Coronation Street for a date with, let alone any more strenuous effort!

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HappyMumof2 - how long ago did you split from your ex?

Ex-dp and I split 6 years ago. I was devastated, and have no doubt I'd have been angry/hurt far longer if I hadn't done some intensive therapy to regain my emotional equilibrium. I haven't felt angry or hurt for years now, but I know it's had a permanent effect because I am so afraid to try again. So, while it's no longer actively destructive to my emotional wellbeing, it does cast a shadow for moving forward.

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hiya hmo2, its terribly hard to know whats the right thing to do isnt it? i did meet a man in about sept last year and he seemed very nice, reliable, decent but it was hard trying to have an actual "date" with him. he had a child of his own which was good in a sense as he had no problem with me having kids. but i used to feel like the first few weeks of dating, the kids really shouldnt come along. felt like i would be throwing them in at the deep end and pretending to be a family. it just didnt feel right. at the same time if i couldnt get out and he came here to watch a film or whatever that didnt feel right either. i dont want to play happy families with someone i hardly know but sadly thats how it has to be when you have kids and no babysitter. i always felt he was somehow "intruding" on our space and time together. the fact he would see his lad on a saturday was also an issue. not a problem with me at all (i would never have expected him to drop the boy and come out with me) but he liked to see his friends on a friday. which left nothing for me really. we never fell out as such but it just wouldnt have worked, i could only get out and be "me" on a weekend and he wasnt prepared to do alternate weeks with me then his friends. the other thing with me is of course my dd's daddy. i dont know how long it will take to get over what he did to us...dont get me wrong. i dont love him...i would even go as far to say that i hated him (and i dont hate anyone). every day i wake up hoping i can forget...but it doesnt happen. it stings me constantly. every time i see a father with his kids i could scream with frustration. i never got the chance to say or do anything about it...he left without an argument, a word, a reason. (although he had gotten himself into a very complicated situation) he just dissapeared and wont even discuss anything with me..i cant get to him. his gf wont let me speak to him. i know its pointless and i think i have accepted now that he will never love his daughter...but i still want to kill him!

most of the time i just think its too much potential hassle to bother with a man and waste my time on something thats guaranteed to end in tears anyway. if i dont care about anyone then i cant get hurt!

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HappyMumof2 I would say if you are not that bothered about him, then he is not the one for you. I've been dating for about a year now and until very recently, I hadn't met anyone who made my heart beat faster or that I was really bothered about.
In a way, I think we are in such a strong position, we have our children & we've been married or in relationships. There is no "ticktock" biological clock, so we can take our time and wait for someone worth our while.
Good luck to you!!!

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