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Dad reducing contact on say-so of gf...

6 replies

Fluffybubble · 06/08/2008 17:30

...Obviously, this is what he says, and he is not known for taking responsibility for his own actions...

My exh works shifts, and was seeing our ds (age 4) four times in five weeks. This changed last year when he had to stay at home to look after his new child on his day off, so we went down to two visits in five weeks, both overnight.

In February, his gf and I had a falling out on the doorstep of ds's grandparent's house. I had gone round having received a distraught phone call from ds less than an hour after he had gone with his dad (his dad called but passed the phone to ds immediately). I was equally distraught, as I could get virtually no sense out of ds, only that he had been told off and wanted to come home. When I did get to speak to exh I was cross, admittedly. When at grandparent's house, I spoke to ds and calmed him down, and was about to hand him back to exh when gf came charging out of house shouting the odds, because I had been cross with exh on the phone. All this took place in front of ds, who was very upset once again.

Since this time, by ds has had a problem visiting exh at grandparent's when gf is going to be there. He does go, because we have no choice, but he prefers when it is just he and his dad.

Anyway, exh and I were making arrangements for the next visits, and my ds asked me to ask with gf would be there (that was all, I didn't say he wouldn't go, just wanted to clarify whether she'd be there). There was no reply for several days, then I got an email saying that gf is very upset and annoyed that ds has an issue with her, and has decided that my ds cannot see her ds anymore as, if my four year old has a problem with her then she doesn't want him to see her ds. I was a bit gob-smacked about this reasoning and questioned whether my exh agrees - he does.

The upshot of this is that my ds is not to visit his gp's house when baby is there, so now his dad is saying that he will see ds for less time as he has no-where to take him. I can suggest him having ds at our house, but have a feeling that this offer will be refused...

I am really at the point at which I am wondering what the point of all this is - he ds hardly sees his dad as it is, and only speaks to him once a week on the phone for 5 mins. My exh has shown no interest in ds starting school etc, and had virtually nothing to do with him on a day-to-day basis. I want my ds to have a relationship with his dad, if only so that it isn't some big issue for him in the future, but am feeling increasingly distanced, and out-numbered...

AIBU??? (Sorry for epic post!)


OP posts:
gillybean2 · 06/08/2008 19:15

I think you all need to sit down and talk about this rather than be angry at each other.

Perhaps suggestion mediation with all three of you there to discuss what is best for your ds. He is entitled to a relationship with his half sibling too.

If he is scared then punishing him for that is out of order. Yes the new gf is probably upset at his reactions to her and probably on some level wishes you and your ds weren't in the picture maybe.

Can you suggest mediation as a way to move forward on this issue with them do you think?

Fluffybubble · 06/08/2008 19:42

Thanks Gilly.

We have been in mediation for approximately three years now. We made good progress with the mediator we were allocated, but she has been signed off work long-term and her replacement is not as effective (right word?!).

We did attempt a mediation session following the incident in February but it was a disaster. I was very upset that my exh would not accept that the shouting should not have taken place in front of ds - he just defended gf.

I am SO frustrated, my exh is known for taking the easy option, and I am sure that he also tells his gf a different story. I do, though, feel very strongly that penalising my ds for being scared of the gf is totally wrong. Neither my exh nor his gf seem to think that they actually need to build bridges, not just exclude my ds (my exh was told this by the mediator when we went, he would prefer to brush it under the carpet). I am so sad that my exh would condone this, and I feel bloody-minded about saying let's just leave it because I think that this is exactly what gf wants .

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 06/08/2008 22:40

Has the gf come to mediation with you both to talk this through. I'm sure he probably tells her hsi version of what is said which probably has a skew on it as he probably doesn't want to upset her.

If you're not happy with the mediator ask for someone else.

beanieb · 06/08/2008 22:54


sounds tough and the GF doesn't seem to be helping

SOunds to me like your son really does want to see his dad, so I would try to keep up the contact even if it is infrequent and without the GF being there. I would also offer to let him see him at your house. He may refuse but at least the offer is there and youknow you made every effort for your son.

piratecat · 07/08/2008 17:50

my sympathies. My dd stopped seeingher dad last oct, well refused to go to his because she didn't lik ehis gf. I htik the gf, had started being mean, and leaving dd out alot.

I have encouraged ex dh to see dd here, and like yours, he refused to come, saying if she didn't want to come to his house he didn't want to see her.

Its very very mean of them to project thier crap onto the little ones.

Fluffybubble · 07/08/2008 19:20

Thanks all.

My ds says that gf is mean, and my exh has contradicted himself by saying they get on well together, then saying that ds does say negative things about gf...I am pretty sure that exh and gf probably think it is coming from me, but to take it out on my ds is pretty low .

Gilly, ex's gf hasn't been to mediation with us. Tbh, I think she is in charge, and I would find it hugely difficult to discuss my ds with her, when I know that my ex will just side with her too. It won't be about what is right for ds, but what they both want, and I don't want to feel anymore outnumbered than I already do.

I think that I will really try to let things go - I think that they will ebb away slowly, and I can't be responsible for breaking contact, as my ds does love his dad.

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