DS1 has suddenly got very upset about me not living with daddy anymore.

[Pinkchampagne]

He said "When you move again, can you live back with daddy?"
I told him that mummy & daddy won't be living together anymore, but that we both still love him lots & we make sure he gets to spend lots of time with both of us.
He said "but I want you to live together, and you said you would do anything for me, so live back together"

I have not done a good job of explaning things & he is now saying "I won't love you if you don't get back together"
I just said "Well we will always love you"
He responded by saying he would make "hate mummy" signs & put them everywhere. He also got pretty upset.

We have been living alone for over a year now, and this has just suddenly happened. How should I deal with it? I feel so upset - I didn't want to do this to my children, but cannot ever live with their dad again.

It's good that he's expressing how he feels, PC, although very difficult for you to deal with.

at the 'hate mummy' signs, but he's doing this because he trusts you, and feels safe with you, and he knows he can let you know what's going on in his mind.

And you sound like you're dealing with it really well, and making him feel secure.

I'm trying, but I'm getting it all wrong. Inot telling him what he wants to hear because I can't. I don't know what else I can do to make it better.

He also said "Nanny & Grandad are older than you & they're still together"

Wonder where all that rubbish is coming from ??

that's my thoughts bree.

has ds spent time with XP/your parents lately?

What, the bit about my parents being together?

This is just horrible. I wish there was someone who could come round & help right now, but my family would all be very "told you so - look what you've done"

He is very angry & upset.

no, my thoughts are who's been talking to your ds when you've not been around and giving him the ideas?

but as humphry says it's good he's expressing his feelings with you, and I know you've had it hard just lately - maybe this is yet another way he's trying to push you to the limit??

not sure what to suggest, apart from show you love him, be consistent etc. how about making a collage of pics with him/his dad in it?? would that help for his room?

really at a loss as to what to try/suggest.

He hasn't seen my parents for a week, as they're away. He saw ex H Friday evening & most of Saturday.
I have recently told ex H that I'm starting the divorce soon, and he didn't seem best pleased.

I had a very similar conversation with dd2 PC.

She has been increasingly miserable over the last few months and I practically had to beg her to tell me what was wrong, I kept saying 'if you don't tell me then i can't help you'.

Then she told me that she wanted me and daddy to live together again and be like her friends family, go out on days out and be nice to each other.

I told her that as much as it hurt me to see her upset, I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear and that me and daddy would never live together again.

She said why did I say that I wanted to help her if I wasn't going to do what she asked.
I tried to explain that if daddy lived here I would be very unhappy and that in turn would make everyone else unhappy, but she took that to mean that my happiness was more important than hers.

You have my sympathy as I am at a total loss as to how to help dd2 at the moment, and am probably going to seek counselling for her as I seem to be making things worse.

It's horrible isn't it, IB? You just can't say anything to really make it better because you can't tell them what they want to hear.

You've been separated a while too, haven't you?
It's strange how it can really hit them like this a good year or two down the line.

I was so upset about this earlier. You want to do the right thing for your children, but this is one big thing that you can't fix for them.

My dd still says she is sad that we're not together anymore, I left just after she was 3 and is now 11!

In part I think it is the grieving process and the best thing to do is reflective listening so he knows you understand what he is saying and how he feels etc.

You feel so sad when you see them suffering, don't you?
He was really crying, saying "You will live back together"

Oh dear Pinkchampagne so sorry you and ds are going through this. I don't know if there is a right answer to his question but I am sure you will both work through it in the end. And in the end he will realise how much you loved him and what you did was not only with your happiness in mind but his long term wellbeing. Do you have other friends who are single parents or are there other children in his class who are from single parent families? I try to use those as an example of not all mummies and daddies live together to my ds. I say "look at so and so she/he lives with just mummy/daddy" for the moment that seeems to work ok but I'm sure I will get the same questions as you in due course.

Plenty of hugs to you - You will get through this!!

Thanks, citronella. He does have plenty of other children from single parent families in his class, but I guess the majority of people we know, are still together.

Getting back with ex H would make my children happy & it would make my family happy, but I can't do it because it would be the wrong thing to do for myself. That seems kind of selfish, but our relationship wasn't actually healthy for the boys. It seems I can't escape damage to my boys though.

DS got upset again while in his bed. He asked when he would see my DP again, but followed by saying "he's not your boyfriend - he is just a friend", then said "He can't be your boyfriend because you marry boyfriends, and you're never getting married - you're married to daddy"

I didn't enter into a big discussion about it because I didn't want to upset him before he went to sleep, and I have no intentions of getting married again right now! I think best continue to tread carefully around the boys & do things very gradually, as we have been. Just hope ex H is careful with what he says to the boys when I'm not around.

Seems daddy has reassured him that he won't be getting a girlfriend, as DS mentioned this tonight.