don't you hate it when you convince yourself that you are over someone and realise you're really not??

[nappyaddict]

i have known this person for nearly 6 years. we've been a bit on/off for that period of time until about 2 years ago when he got with someone else. during the last 12 months i have managed to convince myself i no longer had feelings for him. i really didn't think i did. last september i started seeing someone - it didn't work out though - and if i ever fantasised about a man or thought about a man it wasn't him. a few times he'd asked me if he wasn't with his gf would i want anything to happen between us and i honestly answered no. i told him things had changed, there was too much history, water under the bridge etc i was happy with our new friend status and wouldn't want to ruin that. i really thought i was over him.

however a month or so ago i was talking to his gf and she was telling me things weren't going great, he'd gone round europe for a month without her and was also going away on holiday with his family and hadn't invited her along. whilst i was sympathetic to her i was secretly thinking hmmmm perhaps they might end up splitting up. i was shocked at myself being happy about this but dismissed it and just thought i was being stupid.

then yesterday i found out he was going to be moving away. then last night i was reading a book which was a bit emotional and i started crying. then i realised i was no longer crying about the book but crying about the fact he was moving away. then crying because i missed him. then crying because i realised i did still have feelings for him and had obviously been hiding them.

he spoke to me again today and he asked me again would i do anything if he wasn't with his gf. i said probably. then i could feel myself wanting to tell him i still had feelings for him so i made myself come on mn to distract myself

i don't understand why when i was honestly over him all these feelings have come back!!

Well, basically, because he is a manipulative wanker who likes to keep women hanging on, by the sound of it. He can't bear the idea that any woman he's once shagged isn't still desperately secretly pining over him, because he thinks he's totally unforgettable.

He doesn't want you, love. If he did, he would have split up with his GF and be trying to win you back by being a decent person. What he wants is for you to keep on wanting him so he has always got a back up plan if the current GF boots him out (and there are probably 2/3 other women in exactly the same position).

madamez - i know he doesn't want me. even though him and his gf have their problems he is totally in love with her and it would kill him if they broke up. that's why i feel so guilty about secretly hoping they might. and why after 12 months of not giving a shit about him (well i obviously have given a shit but in a friends only sort of way) do all these feelings suddenly come back. it's just not logical.

Well it is logical for your feelings to come back if he's just reminded you of them by asking you once again if you'd let him have sex consider a relationship if he was single.

no he asked me that today. the feelings came back last night. and i'm pretty sure i'm not psychic.

well they obviously didn't just come back last night. but that was when i realised. they must have been there over a month ago when i was talking to his gf and secretly hoping they would split up. perhaps they never went away and i was just kidding myself.

OK, fair enough. Then the other explanation is that there is nothing much exciting going on in your life at present so your mind is casting around for something to fill the gap. It's annoying but consider it as being like a bout of emotional D&V - it will go soon.

When you've truly loved someone that never goes away, it's always there somewhere your feelings for them. That's not the same as being in love with them though. And it doesn't mean that you'd be good together or should get back together either.

We all get emotional at times and yours are getting the better of you I think. Lots of things can set off remembering happy times or being with someone and feeling loved. In this case it was the book and you want to read mor einto things and so are. You do sound a little unhappy, lonely and confused about what you want. Sort those things out first.

Also the situation with the other girl friend is messy and needs leaving well alone to sort itself out before you and the ex consider getting back together. How would you feel if it was the other way round and you were the one trying to keep your relationship going but another woman got in the way of it...

I suggest you tell him to stop asking these question and to deal with whatever he needs to in his own life and let some time pass and see how you all feel then.

Of course this isn't what you want to hear so you'll probably go with what you want to do anyway.

Gilly

gilly - no that's exactly what i want to hear. it is messy cos i still have to be friends with him. i can't stop contact completely and put him away in a little box. i wouldn't ever get in the way of him and his gf. that's why i didn't tell him how i felt. it wouldn't be fair on any of us.

No need to stop contact, but seek out contact with other people. Maybe even think about internet dating or something if you feel a particular need for a partner at present.

And the thing with 'feelings' about XPs is that if both you and the XP are OK people and it just didn;t work out, you often will end up with a sort of friendly relationship that is good for both of you, but the thought of actually shagging each other nowadays wold be a bit like shagging your sibling.

"And the thing with 'feelings' about XPs is that if both you and the XP are OK people and it just didn;t work out, you often will end up with a sort of friendly relationship that is good for both of you, but the thought of actually shagging each other nowadays wold be a bit like shagging your sibling."

That is exactly how i felt up until a couple of weeks ago!! I'm sure I will get back to that. In fact I am feelin rather stupid about it all.

Funny you should say about internet dating. I have been chatting to this bloke who lives about 45 mins away from me on facebook. I was really starting to like him, but recently I haven't been as interested. I don't know if it's cos the question of meeting up was starting to arise and it scared me a bit.

To be blunt if not vulgar I think you will find that the best way to get over one man is to get under another one .

oh yes definitely. tbh perhaps that's why these feelings have come back. having a bit of a dry spot at the minute everyone seems to have gone and got gfs which means no fun for nappyaddict.

why dont you have a good old girly night out.... doll yourself up, drink lots and drink some more and just have a really good time. Its amazing how a good night out away from reality can make the world of difference.
You have my sympathy, im stuck in rut with feelings for an ex, Makes me feel sick when i see comments on his facebook page from his new gf and i have even cried about it.
I do think that madamez is right tho.... if you have something else or someone else to occupy your attention then its much easier to move on... that said its not always a good idea to get into a relationship when you have feelings for someone else. Sorry to be contradicting.

Hope things get better! charlotte x

i will always have feelings for him i guess. when i got with someone before whenever he tried to flirt with me via text messages i told him where to go and had no feelings for him whatsoever. i know another relationship is what i need and is what i want it's just not the easiest thing to get. maybe i should give it a go with this army bloke on facebook. i was really enjoying the attention until it got more obvious he wanted to meet me and then i started to back away. i need to get over the whole online aspect and embrace it i think. but then the fact he's in the army also holds problems. he's told me already he's not had a gf whilst he's been in the army cos he's seen so many of his friends get shit on by their gfs when they've been away. i am going out on friday but not really looking forward to it. it is for my friend's leaving do (she's moving to portsmouth) so that probably has something to do with it. that and the fact that i know there won't be anyone out that i like and if there is they won't be available.

"To be blunt if not vulgar I think you will find that the best way to get over one man is to get under another one"

Apparently so