Sad and lonely and worried - offloading needed.

[BobDowne]

Sorry only seem to come on here to whinge. Had tough weekend, keep crying now, won't see my kids for three days and i'm worried about the mental state of their father. He's flipped again because i told him i have a male friend (had to mention it as he was meeting mutual friends) - and he is only a friend, although that's upsetting me too as i would like it to be more. My head is all over the place, i feel like i'm going to be on my own for ever. But most of all i'm worried about the effects all this is having on the DCs. Thinking i should have stayed with the arse, at least i was in a position then to have some influence on his behaviour around the kids.

But you were probably also in a position to have your kids witness him being vile to you and to grow up thinking that was normal behaviour...
I don't think I've read any of your posts before but wanted to reply as your situation sounds a bit similar to mine. It is worrying and scary when you don't feel you can trust your DCs with their own father.
Do you have any mutual friends/family who could check to see how things are going? Or can you phone the DCs while they're there?
You can't change XP (unfortunately) and he has no right to flip because you've got a friend. Best you can do (in the long term) in try not to let him get to you.
If you do believe he's not treating the DCs properly you need to see a solicitor asap.

Yes snotbuster he was sometimes vile to me in front of the children - but he still is, when i occasionally have to see him, or over the phone (when i can hear the kids in the background). DS1 does seem to dote on his father and is showing signs of similar behaviour patterns, which is heartbreaking. I can ring to speak to the kids when they're at his, but they seem wary of upsetting him, and he makes it obvious that he doesn't want them to talk to me, so they don't talk much and that upsets me more. He has been saying he's got to work more hours so will be reducing his contact with the DCs, I hope this actually happens, it would be best for all of us, but he has a habit of saying he's going to do something then changing his mind again. I'm in contact with his mum so will check with her how she thinks things are tomorrow.
What is your situation snotbuster? (nosey)

Snotbuster are you still there?

Sorry - went off to do something. My XP was violent to me when we were together and on a couple of occasions DS (who was then a baby) was caught up in it. I ended up getting an injunction and have gone through numerous court hearings about his contact arrangements to see DS. Currently he sees him twice a week during the daytime only (now unsupervised) and we 'hand over' in a neutral place.
I think the contact is going ok now - but will never fully trust XP as I know what a horrible temper he's got.
I've got mixed feelings about having gone to court. I didn't get the protection for DS that I expected too, felt disbelieved a lot of the time and it was very expensive and stressful. However I do think that XP has probably got the message that I won't tolerate him causing any harm to our son. It has also delayed the prospect of DS staying overnight with him so far - though that may start happening soon.
Best advice I can give you is to have as little to do with your XP as possible. Could you hand over the DCs at his Mum's? Even drop them there and leave before he arrives?
I don't have any relatives near that can do this for us but, like I said, we meet in a neutral, public place and I try to keep things as brief and civil as possible. How old are your DCs? Sounds like they would be able to tell you if anything is going wrong and it's good that you're in contact with XP's mum.
I'm rambling on a bit and it's late. Know how heartbreaking it is though - I used to cry after dropping DS off. Hope you manage to work things out.

That sounds tough snotbuster. How long is it since you separated? I really think i'm going to have to go through a solicitor to sort things out properly. I hoped we could avoid that, tried mediation but any time anything upsets him he starts coming out with all sorts of ridiculous changes of plan. He was never violent towards me but used/still uses a lot of emotional abuse and bullying. Today he's been saying he wants to hand over parental responsibility to someone else?! And wants me to give him a name to put on the form - nuts?! I don't want to talk to him at all anymore, but i think he needs help.

Sounds like he's got himself into a state about your new friend and that's who he's referring to when he asks you for a name on the form. Did you end the relationship? Men, even when (maybe more so, when) they're violent/emotionally abusive, don't handle rejection with much dignity. If you do have real concerns about the safety of your dcs, though, could you arrange supervised access? Maybe his mum could be there when he has them?

I did end the relationship BNBH, it's been two years now since we separated and he's getting even more unreasonable, if anything. Saw DS1 after school yesterday, he seems fine and understands the situation well. But DS2 back here this morn and i couldn't send him into school he was in such a state. He was very happy when i saw him off on sunday. I really think i'm going to have to go through court and limit his access to DS2, DS1 is almost old enough to decide what he wants to do himself and is better able to deal with things (i hope). DS2 wants things to be fair and equal, but i can see it's not good for him, then he'll prob hate me for stopping him from seeing his lovely father. Just feel like crawling under a stone!