How can I stop multiple lawyers letters from exh?

[Gizmo100]

My EXh was emotional abuser to me in our marriage before he left. Also it was his way or the highway. Since seperating last september when he speaks to me and i dont agree with him he calls his lawyer they write a letter to mine and then I have to reply. The latest being why I have moved our daughter from her present nursery (Im being made redundant so moved to nursery near my home). I dont get legal aid (missing narrowly) and I cant afford 2 keep paying my lawyer to answer his letters. Its basically bullying to get his own way - he is very comfortable financially so he is using this to deplete the little money I have and also means it affects our 2 year old daughter)My lawyer says there is nothing I can do unless I agree with everything he says. Has anyone been in a similar situ and did you manage to get round it? Also when we disagree its on major things that are to my husbands advantage working round his life not that of our daughter!

I'd just ignore his letters to be honest. Or if I wanted to reply, I'd just do it myself, very briefly. No need to get a lawyer to write a letter saying, 'I have moved my daughter from her nursery to one nearer my home you twat'. (ok, you might not want to write the last bit!)
But honestly, you are completely within your rights to do this and there is no law saying you have to reply to his twatty letters.
I agree, he is bullying you.
Next time you get a letter, just put in on Mumsnet and we'll help you write a reply or tell you to ignore the bastard!

Don't give him reason to send letters. Send a letter before hand (directly to him and copy it to his sol) explaining why you are doing something and then he won't need to ask. He probably feels you are doing things without discussing with him that you should be.

For example when you knew you were moving nursery you should have informed him. He has a say in your child's education and has a right to know such things. This is something you should have discussed before you made the decision. If you had informed him of this and teh reasons he wouldn't have had to get his lawyer to write.

Your view is that he is bullying you by using his lawyer. His side is probably that you are making unilateral decision and his only way of finding out this info is through his sol. If you want to cut out the sol you have to start communicating directly with each other. Long term this will be better for your child if you can have an amicable if not friendly relationship.

I would also suggest that you consider mediation to discuss the major things. Again I very much fear you are both looking at different sides of the same coin and getting het up at the other over your perceptions of the situation when the other sees it very differently. The only way to resolve this is to discuss it. A mediator will help you achieve this.

Gilly

Also ignoring the letters will only rack up more sol costs. because then he will get his sol to write a follow up letter which your sol will have to read and pass on to you and then ask for your comments. Even if you ignore it and don't reply you will still incur the costs of them sending it on to you.

Can you not get rid of your sol now and handle this yourself? Or are you still going through the court process? Even if you are you can represent yourself as a LIP.

Gilly

The child is only 2 and doesn't even have to be at a nursery, Gizmo unless your ex is paying for the nursery fee's then its none of his business,I don't agree that you have to inform him of every little thing, if you feel that he is intentionally being awkward then write to his solicitor yourself or suggest mediation.

Tinkerbel

He is a parent who was married and therefore will have PR automatically. No he doesn't need to be informed of 'any little thing', but nursery is something that he should be consulted on, as is primary and secondary school. He has a right to know who his child is with and nursery is a form of education.

You can't blame him for asking about something as important as who is taking care of his child. If he was to put dc into nursery during his contact time I'm sure mum would want to know who, where, why etc.

The nursery are also obliged to inform both parents on the child's progress and dad should be listed as a contact etc.

Nursery is something very importatnt that both parents have a right to be involved in and I don't see anything wrong with his exercising his parental responsibilities regarding his child's welfare and education.

Removing child from nursery with no explanation or discussion is a unilateral decision and shows that one parent thinks they have more rights than the other. Ok the OP has very good reasons for doing this, but it is not something she can or should do without discussion. This is why sol letters are going back and forth. If she wants the letters (and the cost of them) to stop then she needs to do what it takes for that to happen. And that means informing her ex of major decisions about their (both of them) child.

Nurseries are OFSTED registered and inspected. They are a form of early years education. This is something both parents should have a say in deciding.

Gilly

Hi Thanks for your replys - just to give people a bit of background to my ex husband behaviour before he left. He did not care at all for his daughter - seldom looked after her - he wasnt interested in her - seldom played with her- didnt take her anywhere - the occassions (twice) he looked after her in the living room I walked in to find that my daughter had fallen bawling her eyes out while he continued to drink his coffee and read his paper - my ex husband golfed, played rugby, went to dinners (not work related) and played tennis (in all doing these activities most of the (every) weekend and through the week) while my daughter and I were left to our own devices - we were not part of his world and to be honest although definately not a ladies man he preferred being a bachelor. In fact when he left he told me twice he was leaving because he wasnt ready for children and couldnt cope with our daughter. My exh and I went through IVF - he has a v low sperm count - we discussed and agreed we both wanted children - beleive me i would never force anyone on that decision and b4 we were married he was desperate for children much more than I. My xhusband has huge mental health issues - his behaviour is bizarre and i know for a fact when he has her on the access days he takes her to his parents for them to look after her as he is incapable of doing this himself. When married I told him to see a Dr but he refused. I have been to womens aid several times and they know most of the terrible things he did to me (i havent mentioned them here) and they said it was extreme emotional abuse. I should have left the marriage but I believe in marriage and working at it and also didnt want to have to explain to my daughter that I left her father. The control that my exh had over me is still here. In fact this morning when he picked her up he TOLD me' Im going to take her for a week in November' he was telling me not asking but that is him all over. he is very sneeky- in the last letter from his lawyer she copied his and my replys to emails and i know he is recording text messages and voicemails (I am careful what I am doing!)I also have a friend who witnessed one such incident who is a police officer and she will be a witness if we go to court.

Nursery is a big decision but if I allow my exh in the decision making process he will block anything i want to do - that is what a controlling person does - they take the decision making power away from both of you and only have them making the decision for both of you or in this case the three of you. Also he will decide what is best for him not his daughter or I the main carer.

I asked my lawyer at the start about mediation but she advised that because of my exh character it just would not work as everything had to be his way and it would be a waste of time.

Im going to speak to my lawyer and take over the family side of things myself and see how I get on - I told him today i couldnt afford to pay to reply to all these lawyers letters and its less money for his daughter and he just laughed.

Could I also add that my exh seems to not have moved on in his life - its obviously very empty as this seems to be his hobby and i mean this sincerely - I reckon he knows Ive moved on with my life - my life is a lot happier - Im made new friends - have went from no social life to doing well for a single parent and my daughter has settled - its a pity he cant move on and he is the one that left us!

gilly I think his rights when out of the window when he walked out on his family, although by the looks of things he did Gizmo a favour.

Agree with you Gizmo that involving him in everything will give him the power to block what you do in the futre, you are so much better off out of the marriage, sounds like he uses your daughter like a weapon, stay strong you are doing well

I think you should say to the the solicitor that if you need their advice on a letter you will bring it to them but it will no longer be automatic. Write to your ex's solicitor telling them that you no longer use a solicitor for answering letters, and if he has a problem to write to you, that you will keep him informed of important decisions about your daughter, but you will only respond to solicitor's letters if you feel it is necessary.

"I think his rights when out of the window when he walked out on his family"

Morally, yes, you would think so...but legally no, not at all, and it's risky for anyone to proceed with a lgislatively-minded hostile ex in ways that are not squeaky clean legally. However bitter it may feel - things will only get worse / more expnsive if you don't think of the long-term consequences and where the law stands.

You don't actually have to tell him everything you do with your child on a day to day basis. And he doesn't have the automatic final say or any veto even over where your child goes to school and certainly not where she goes to nursery. as the main carer, that's your decision - though you should inform him as to the name of the nursery or school and then it's up to him to get reports etc. If you have made a reasonable sensible decision regarding her daycare or education and he doesn't like it, he can take you to court, where he will be laughed out of it. Actually, he won't be laughed at, he will be told in no uncertain terms to go away by a very annoyed judge.
Re the 'I'll be taking her for a week in November' - do you have a court order laying out contact details?

I think Gizmo should definately write to the ex's solicitor and also state that she cant afford to keep paying out for her solicitor to reply on her behalf as it takes money away from being spent on the child, I hope aswell that him being finacially secure that he is paying good mainteance for the welfare of his daughter.

Tinkerbel6 - I was answering the OP. She wanted to know how to get the letters to stop.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it he is entitled to the information in this case. Nursery is not considered a little thing that a NRP is not entitled to know about, and if it went to court she would be told such. Ignoring the letters would lead to far more expense and more than likely court for the OP from what she has said of her ex.

Sorry if you don't like what I advised. But I tried to give practicle advise to help with how to stop the letters and reduce costs. I'm not saying either of them is right or wrong in the way they are handling things.

OP you have to play by the rules with someone like your ex. Else he will be the one coming across as reasonable and you will be the one perceived as making the problems and being difficult in the eyes of the court and CAFCASS. If you want the letters to stop then be proactive is heading them off. And ditch the sol and go LIP

Gilly