what can i expect from mediation???

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Im off to mediation next week and getting a lolt anxious about it - dont really talk to exshithead as he will only converse via e mail. Im planning on dropping the bombshell about moving away as well at this appointment. Has anyone been to mediation whats it like??? Im dreading it being there with him as he will blow his top - hes gettingmore and more antagonistic in his communications and I am really intimidated by him ( throwback from when he called all the shots as I didnt work lost all self confidence etc etc)

I went to one session. Like you I felt intimidated by ex. I did't speak to or make eye contact with ex - I just spoke to the mediator - found it easier to handle that way. I am sure that a trained mediator will know how to handle it if he blows his top. Try to keep calm and focus on the issues which you want to sort out. Best of luck.

Phone the mediator before hand and explain your concerns.

Also if you need a break part way through then ask for one.

My last bf went to mediation with his ex. he phoned before hand to say he was worried about her temper and that she'd explode and possibly get violent. The mediator called a break when she saw the telltale signs of this about to happen.

What is it you want/hope to achieve via madiation? Are you wanting this to work for the sake of your children or are you only doing it to satisfy legal aid requirements. I only ask because depending on how you approach mediation depends on how much you get out of it. That and how willing you both are to compromise and listen to each other. Mediation has to be something you are both prepared to work at.

First session is usually about getting everything off your chest. Don't expect anything productive to happen. After that you can start to get past the anger and hurt and work out what is best for the child/ren.

Also take a list of things you wish to discuss and what your proposal for parenting plans etc will be. Then you can put your points across hopefully.

Don't be upset if things don't get sorted out. It's a positive step forward that you're both in the same room talking about the welfare of your child/ren and (hopefully) not resorting to screaming at each other about it. try and arrange another session before you leave.

Gilly

Mediators offer shuttle mediation sometimes. That involves you sitting in one room, the other person in another and the mediator moving back and forth between you.

May be worth asking the place you're going to if they do this, but if you can face each other, stick with it: It's a step towards normalising things.

It wont go in his favour if he does blow his top, & at least you will have a witness to it. Make sure you keep any intimidating communications from him incase you need to use them in the future.

I went to mediation with my ex. My ex is exactly like yours, but unfortunately he`s clever enough to keep his threats between us & never puts anything down that can be used against him. I sometimes wish he would send me an abusive email as proof of what a complete shithead he really is.

At mediation he pretended to be a total gentleman, & would be polite & open the door for me when the mediator was watching. The mediator lapped it all up & used to have a go at me when I would get angry at ex for the constant lies that came out of his mouth. He said I "offended him" by sitting there & accusing ex of being a liar. WTF?

Eventually I was bullied into virtually going along with his wishes because I was so ground down by the whole process, ex`s refusal to be honest & the mediators failure to pull him up on it.

Make sure you go to a woman mediator, thats my advice. Somebody who will understand better a womans & most importantly the dc`s point of view in all this.

I want to go for sake of sorting things out and being able to move on with our lives - I suspect ex is going for sake of solicitors advice as he initially refused to go and only agreed to go after seeking advice from his solicitor Thanks for all suggestions

Right you are then Ill give them a call I think prob better if I can get a woman never thought of that - Also know he will act like hes a total gent as well when of course he isnt Another question is that as Im planning on moving a few hundred miles away (practicality reasons and failure on his behalf to see the bigger picture for the future) will I have to travel to see same mediator - Im leaving in 6 weeks time and doubt it will all get sorted before then) Im giving up my job and home everything so we can start a new life - looking for jobs in new area - have got school sorted for dd I wont stop ex seeing dd but i suspect he isnt going to be happy about the distance involved at all. Also does anyone know how old a child has to be to see a cafcass person - dd is 7 1/2 yrs

I think cafcass only get involved if you are going through court proceedings. Not sure if there is an age limit or not.

Another thing. If you choose to move hundreds of miles away from your ex you could be ordered to pay his travel expenses or do all of the traveling yourself to maintain child contact.

im pretty sure it will go through court as Im going to apply for his 50% equity to be transferred into dd name so it needs to go to court hes adamant not to transfer equity so this will be a huge sticking point and tbh the whole reason why mediation is happening as without his equity I cannot afford to rehome in the county let alone the same half of the country. I explained this to him but he wont listen at all - and its not like he cant afford it - he earns £150k a year and has been squirrelling away his money for yrs without me knowing anything. (I earn 6k so you can see my predicament)

The minimum you would expect to get for yourself is 50%, but why do you want his 50% to be transfered into dds name leaving him with nothing? If hes got such a good income surely you could remain in your former home with dd (if its not rented) at least until shes 18 & he could afford a decent mortgage on that wage. You would also get very generous child maintenance. I know the calculations are different on incomes over 100k, but if you ring CSA im sure theyll give you an idea of how much he should pay. Tax credits dont take into account maintenance payments, so you can still claim WTC if you work 16 hours a week or more.

The minimum and maximum you could get for yourself would be 50%.

If you have children to care for however, the amount would be higher however because it is for their benefit.

MM i cant afford the mortgage on the house and hes said he wants to sell up so that he can buy a house w ith the woman hes been having an affair with for the last 6 yrs so hence I cant stay here- yes hes paying his maintaince which is equiv to 15% net egs of £5,500 per month but not his bonuses (non guaranteed last one was low and was net £21300. I get WFTC and CTC currently but as soon as I move wont get that Im trying to get a job working 16hrs + aweek no luck as yet - hopefully something will come up once Im up north. Im pretty sure Income Support takes into account his maintainence so I will be much worse off if I have to go for IS. Its a bloody nightmare tbh but I have no choice If i go up north my parents can help out with childcare and I can get a ft job if need be and then get a mortgage to top up my 50% to buy somewhere but if I stay down here I have no support whatsoever in terms of childcare and no one round here does after school care and hols etc and he has allready refused to have her one night every alt week so he wont be helping with childcare either so Im in a reall mess hence my move. Plus of course having discovered that almost since my daughter was born hes been having an affair and that the house we bought is down to a total lie it doesnt hold any nice memories for me and I just want out of it. 4 moths down the line and its still hurtfull to know that everything we shared was a lie. I need to start a fresh itd be great if I could do it down her but he wont agree to the equity side of things so I have no choice. I now see mediation as the way to confirm this and to sort out a formal maintaince agreement and contact arragements as he keeps chopping and changing his mind and threatens to withold money if I dont succomb to his wishes ( he missed last months payments until my solicitor sent him a letter. I cant live with the stress of not knowing if I will be repossesed every month or not.

I hope you manage to get things sorted at mediation. You dont want to go down the courts route if you can avoid it.

Are you getting Legal Aid? Mediation is free through legal aid & you dont have to pay the mediation costs back even if you do win money or property from your case & have to pay back other costs.

I went to mediation and it didnt work for me.
I had to travel an hour to get there leaving DCS with my parents while went.
My exH wasnt interested in discussing access etc and introducing the DCS to his GF. He just wanted to get on with the money. He lied to the 2 mediators we had & to be honest, we BOTH found the mediators to be rude! We had a private joke which sounded like a dig (but we both knew it wasnt) and the mediator told us both off! Felt like being at school.

So I stopped mediation. However it took me another 18 mths to get divorced through solicitors and cost me over £4K

the starting point is 50/50 but if you have custody of the DCS, it increases in your favour. If you cannot afford to buy another house, your H cannot force you to sell. It then remains your house until a trigger point is reached (you moving in with someone else for more than 6 mths, remarrying, DCs reaching 16) Then you will be forced to sell.

I suggest you get a solicitor.