Scared

[juliec26]

My husband has been working really hard as he has his own business and says he is under stress which has lead him to question how he feels about us and our family as it would be easier to just work and not have added pressure - he says he is not sure if he wants to work things out between us and that he needs time to think - I never saw this coming and am truly deversated as we have a 2 yr old dd and have always had a good relationship and social life - I am terrified about being on my own as I deeply love him - he left and then came back, but found it so hard when my dd asked for her daddy - how do you all cope - If he leaves will i get over him??

[nelix2000]

I am sorry for your situation. He sounds a bit gutless to me...sorry thats harsh I realsie you love him...but added pressure? we all have that and we dont desert our family. Either way you still have a family and unless he is walking away from the child too he will still have that "pressure". My ex leaving me was the best thing ever!....but I really hope you can work it out if thats what you want...just don't let him use your love as a game to keep coming back and leaving. Being on your own is damn hard work, but not as scary as you may think. Take time to see what YOU want never mind him as he is thinking what HE wants! do whats right for you and DD, goodluck! x

[snotbuster]

If the stress of his business is the only problem I think he really need to think about what his priorities are. What's the point in working so hard only to have no family to come home to? Is there any way he could cut down his workload or go back to working for someone else? Or could you get a part-time job, if that would help financially?
Not surprised you're feeling scared. You would cope if the worst came to the worst, we all do. But it would be a shame for your husband to throw away what you've got without exploring every other option. Can you have a really honest talk with him or write him a letter about how you feel?

[glitteryb6]

i was in exactly your position 2 years ago, totally out of the blue my xp, also self employed hit me with the same thing, asked me for some time apart etc, it turned out he was seeing someone else and this was his way of getting out of our relationship, they are now getting married next year.
I really hope this is not the same in your case but please be aware that he might be using the excuse of work to hide something else. sorry to say that but reading your post just struck a chord.

[juliec26]

I just dont know what to do - I have asked him if he is seeing anyone else and he swore on our dd life he wasnt and if I am totally honest I do believe him - I too have had times I have questioned my love for him, but i guess being a women you just keep on going and in time it got better - our dd is very trying and feel that its an add presure to him that he doesnt want - He has come home, but says he is still not sure how he feels - my dd is going to my mums for the night and I have asked if we can sit and talk which he has said yes to - he keeps saying he loves me, but is confused! glitteryb6 - how did you cope when he left? I am at work part-time and said to take pressure of him happy to work f/time - but finding everything very overwhelming I havent managed to eat since saturday and am feeling worried sick and ill x

[juliec26]

I just dont know what to do - I have asked him if he is seeing anyone else and he swore on our dd life he wasnt and if I am totally honest I do believe him - I too have had times I have questioned my love for him, but i guess being a women you just keep on going and in time it got better - our dd is very trying and feel that its an add presure to him that he doesnt want - He has come home, but says he is still not sure how he feels - my dd is going to my mums for the night and I have asked if we can sit and talk which he has said yes to - he keeps saying he loves me, but is confused! glitteryb6 - how did you cope when he left? I am at work part-time and said to take pressure of him happy to work f/time - but finding everything very overwhelming I havent managed to eat since saturday and am feeling worried sick and ill x

[BlessedbySun]

Hi Juliec26, my heart goes out to you....it's no wonder your LO is playing up she is probably picking up on your anxiety and worry. I think the best thing you can do is have the chat with him tonight but make your position clear...you think what you have is worth fighting for but you need him to feel the same way. Empower him by saying the choice is his but make it clear that you need to know where you stand for your own peace of mind and for yr DD. If I were you I would tell me him to go away and think about what he wants from life and give him a few days to decide but also let him no that there will be no coming and going. His decision should stand but offer solutions. Have you tried couples counselling? Hope I don't sound too harsh but I think you have to put yrself and yr DD first!!

[juliec26]

I totally agree, but he wont talk he closes up and has always done so when we have argued in the past - he says he feels that he has always been an emotionless person and refuses to talk to anyone me, brother, friends - I want to say to him go, but part of me knows he will throw himself into work and then maybe hes feeling for us will just fade away!

[BlessedbySun]

Hi Julie, I want to paraphrase what I'm about to say by saying I am not blaming you AT ALL! I think you are in a sad and unfortunate position but based on what you've said, I have to ask myself if you are asking him the right questions? Again counselling can help get to the heart of the problem. If he doesn't like to talk to ppl close to the issue like yourself, mates, family then perhaps an outsider might help? I'm not a counsellor by the way...it's just I have been trying to get to the heart of my own unhappiness lately and I've been erading some psychotherapy books...I've made a list of topics/issues which I keep adding to when and I think it and when I get more time I will explore each of these to determine what my problem is...I am happy to share some of these with you if you think it would help in your discussion but you will have to work on your tone and how you probe for answers to make sure you are not being defensive but trying get to the heart of the matter (I have the same prob with my hubby)

[juliec26]

would be so grateful of any advice as some one who has suffered depression myself and been in therapy i know how beneficial these things can be - My husband had a terrible childhood but says he can block it out. it is just he goes silent and wont say anything and refuses to get help or talk to anyone so I am at a loss as to what to do to get him to address his issues! he just wants to carry on as normal until he makes his own mind up - so any advice would be great x

[BlessedbySun]

okay my list of pressures so far is

work
-finance
-responsibilities - achieving

Relationships
-sexual
-friendships

family
-i'm a mother
-lover
-companion
-sister
-a daugther

Then a heading called feelings
Sad
misunderstood
lonely etc

I also have a list of subheading called scars made up of experience that may have led me to where i am

bullied at school = low self esteem
etc...

Looking at each of these I hope to highlight the most important ones when I do see a counsellor and that I am able to tackle some of not all my issues

I really hope this comes in time and helps you (I had to pick out DS) Good luck, my love. MWAH!! BIG HUGZ!

[juliec26]

Thank you sooo much - yes it has come in time! about to have a chat but wanted to see your response first - It touches me so much to have responses such as yours! I'll post tomorrow.. fingers crossed all will get better! xxx

[glitteryb6]

hi julie, i hope your talk goes well tonight and you get some answers.

You asked how i coped when he left....he didnt, i did, he asked me to move out as it was his house and we werent married so i found a private let, he went off on holiday 10 days later with his "mate" who i later found out was his "new" girlfriend and she moved into what was our home shortly after.
He made out they had just met the week i moved out but as the months wore on a few more lies unravelled, suffice to say i didnt feel to happy about the way he had gone about it but in a funny way i felt better that it wasnt my fault, IYKWIM?

2 years down the line im still single but can honestly say i've never been happier, my ds seems much happier and ive just moved house for the 3rd time but i now have a lovely 2 year old bungalow from the local housing association so i now have my security.

Hope everything works out for you

[BlessedbySun]

glittery6 - sounds like you've been on a journey. I'm so glad everything worked out 4 you...I'm really starting to despair at men!
It seems they don't know how to love...I wish you continued strength and love

[glitteryb6]

Thanks blessedbysun!!