how do you know that your DCS are doing ok with the split?

[mistressmiggins]

I feel that 2.5 yrs on we are doing ok. Kids still see their dad (albeit he lives 3 hr drive away) and he speaks every other day on phone.

However DS was tired yesterday and started saying "I have 2 bedrooms and its confusing" I'm sure it was just cos he was tired but even so makes me sad to think that this is his life and he didnt ask for it

for your ds.
I am very new to this (ex moved out 2.5mths ago), but I totally agree with the last bit of your post re it being his life and he didn't ask for it.
People keep asking me how the boys are coping - and I don't know! They seem to be ok, but are they REALLY - I don't know, I don't know what is in their heads.
You can only do the best you can, and hope that they are ok.

my Dcs seem ok about it all but the last time they went to exH for weekend, DD (4) cried for an hour saying she didnt want to go to daddy's. I told her to see how she felt when he arrived and of course she went along happily....however when she came back on the Sunday, she told me she didnt want to go to daddy's again
she then woke in the middle of the night crying - "have you had a nightmare" I asked her....all she said was " I dont want to go to daddy's" I explained she was home & it was all ok but it still makes me feel terrible....

exH left when DD was 17 mths so in reality, daddy is nothing more than an "uncle" who she has to stay with.....sounds harsh but that is our reality

DS (6) seems ok going but he didnt want to go without his sister.

mine are 5.9y and 2.5y.
V sad what you say about an "uncle" they stay with
ds1 has said a few times that he doesn't want to go, but it is usually when he is caught up with something and doesn't want to stop that - rather than not wanting to go. When he returns he is always happy to have been.
Bit different in that ex is 10 mins drive away, the boys go every tue night (he drops them at school/CM Wed mornings) and for a 24-hr period every weekend, so they are seeing alot of him - in reality nearly as much as before he moved out as he worked away alot.
I don't have any advice, hope someone else comes along.

I have a friend who had 2 DSCs...their mother lived in the same town & had them once during the week & on a Sat night.
Once DC reached teenagers, they refused to go to their mother's cos they wanted to stay in their own house.

I just worry that I am "forcing" them to go to their dad's and they dont enjoy it. It is right they spend time with him though. I wonder if it's the long car journey they dont enjoy but that wont change as exH has moved near his work so he only has a 5 min journey each day Sod the fact it means his DCs have a 3 hr journey there & back to stay with him.

Mistressmiggins, my DC are same age as yours and my ExH left when DD (now 4) was 4 months an although they see their dad 3 times a week she has for the last few months not wanted to go to daddys during the week just at weekend for a few hours, but this last weekend she didnt want to go then either?!.They have just been told that ExH new wife is expecting a child and I am wondering if this has effected her.

My DS (6) on the other hand seems to enjoy going but asks his sister why she doent want to go.
I feel so sad for them sometimes that they have this life, 2 bedrooms, going on holiday without daddy and visa versa.
I like to think they are ok and dont know any different but they see my sisters children living with their daddy and all he does with them in the same house and holidays etc it makes me wonder too. What effect will it have on them long term, if any?
They seem happy and I do all I can to make them happy but this wasnt the life I wanted for them or the life they deserve.

you want to do the right thing so that in years to come you dont get the "you didnt let me see my dad" BUT they are too young to explain what they actually feel.
I will continue with the arrangement until they tell me they dont want to go AND they are old enough to make that decision.
It was just awful having my DD cry all the way home from school cos she didnt want to go away.

as far as I know, exH hasnt got his gf pregnant but it may happen one day

incidently, I have a DP myself now who has custody of his own DD (11) and we are a happy family unit. We have decided NOT to have a child between us purely from the fact we would have the child always with us & it may cause problems with the 3 DCS we have "why do we have to go away" or from new DC "why cant I go away"

if only my exH cared more about what the children actually think!

that smiley after the uncle bit should have been a

"this wasnt the life I wanted for them" - that is just what I feel.
Whatever the future brings, and however happy I might be, I will ALWAYS regret that my ex didn't feel able to work out whatever problems he felt were in our relationship together, rather than leaving and forcing our children into this situation.

I agree ChasingSquirrels BUT I do believe deep down they will regret it some time in their lives....

after all, life is tough when you have children but you have to grow up & accept responsibility....something I have realised since exH left. Plenty of men out there DO stand up for their responsibilities and realise that life changes when you have children.

unfortunately my exh didnt want to accept the changes

If I was in your postion I wouldnt force her to go if she is getting so upset about it.
If my DD doesnt want to go with her Dad I dont force the issue and let her stay with me, I know in your circumstances its different as he lives futher away and its for a longer period of time but if she really doesnt want to go (even having nightmares) do you not think that forcing her to go could be more damaging than her not seeing him?
I know that would be hard for your DS going on his own though.

I really feel for you its a tough one.

Very selfish of him to move so far from his DC if Im honest.

Your right Chasingsquirrels - their selfish decisions have forced our children in to a position that really they shouldnt have to deal with. If only they had put their children first in front of their own desires.
Thats one thing I will never forgive.

My exH could have moved nearer to us and still had a 3o min drive to work (like I have) but he chose to move near to work.
How can I stop her going?
she is 4 and so changes her mind at the drop of a hat?
I always have fall out when they return - DD is very clingy on a Monday when she has stayed at her dad's.

I find it heartbreaking that my DCs have to deal with this but this is their life

the funniest thing is that I was "sacked" by DS last week for forgetting his mac....til I pointed out what would he do without me? I thought about it and reinstated me but then said that DP could move in to look after him if I left. He didnt suggest that daddy would step in. That says it all....

I have the same problem with DS (2.6) sometimes not wanting to go to XPs. I think it's usually tiredness, and that our life is a bit too busy for him. Don't blame him for wanting to stay home at the weekend! I do make him go - and he's usually fine when he gets there (even if he's had a terrible tantrum on the way). Feel though - as I'd like DS to stay home too..

I'm kind of on the other side. My ds was 10 months when his dad and i split so didnt really realise what was happening as his dad didnt care enough to come home. (anothr thread lol)

He was seeing his dad once a fortnight for the weekend and im sure he must have known,used to play up shouting for daddy when he was due to go as he got a bit older.

He's now 19 months and has seen his dad twice since just before easter and only as his dad stayed here. He last saw his dad fathers day as i made a deal out of it as it would be nice blah blah.
He's now (as i typeand has other times) going ballistic trying to get out of the house and screaming daddy as a car thats the same shape and colour as his dads has pulled up outside.

Personally I don't think my dc are ok, I'm 8 years down the line, dc are 13 & 10.We moved 60 miles away 2 years after the split, so I could be closer to my family as I need their support for me to work. Dc have to remember diffferent rules when they go to their dad's, ie not allowed downstairs in the morning until an adult is up, ds is an early riser. I feel they think they have to keep their dad "sweet", he takes it as a personal insult if they say they don't want to go, I overhear them making up excuses to not go. I tell them to be honest but they are scared of his reaction. Both dc don't have many friends, I encourage them to participate in various activites & have friends over.

I agree with not wanting to upset their dad. My exH's GF is always telling the DCS off for what sounds like trivial things. She even told them off for not speaking to daddy on the phone properly Sometimes after school & then nursery care til I can pick them up, they are tired & dont really want to talk to him on the phone.

I just think that when they are old enough, they can make their own decision as I cant see a teenager will want to go away for the weekend & not see their friends or participate in clubs/hobbies.

Think ex is in for a shock.

mistressmiggins, my ex's gf does the same thing and as a result it soured the visits of dts (6 1/2) to the point where they are glad to get home and have never spent a night there. The fact she got pregnant a few months into their relationship and only a few months after he left us was the cherry on the cake for them.

Interestingly dts1 was talking yesterday about "when daddy runs away from A*" and would we be expected to do anything.

I have the same concern that I don't want to be seen to keep them away but they are vocal over what they want and don't want. Then I get accused from him over putting words in their mouths. Considering his recent erratic behaviour I just brush it off now.

it is hard isn't it, MM. I feel guilty & upset for my DS's when it becomes apparent they are afftected by our separation.
I know I have done the right thing, for them as much as myself, but sometimes it feels I just can't escape the hurt & feel awful for them.