EX has blocked me trying to use DD

[whyamihere26]

EX Has blocked trying to use our 11 year old as contact.
we had an argument aa he had decided to get my 11 year dd to stay at his gfs house on the day she met her.
she sees him once a week overnight. we do have a court order never did.
he was verbally abusive when i told him i wanted to know in future where she was staying. he told me i was a c**t then blocked.
she has had a phone and whatsapp which i pay for. he wants to send messages through dd to make arrangements for pickups & drop offs. and some times its not convenient i said if he doesn’t unblock and go through me then sometimes she might not be available as we have commitments/plans.
he said he doesn’t need me to make arrangements.

im at a loss what if there was an emergency? i am not happy to use our daughter as a messenger and explained this on her phone to him he has accused me of parental alienation 🤣 ive never stopped her from having her all her life (split when she was a baby) he doesn’t care he hates me.
WWYD?

I’m not really clear what happened here. Is DD back with you now?

Does ex have her on fixed regular days?

You have set contact and he is her parent; therefore what he does on his time is for him to decide, don’t make this a big issue. Stick to the contact agreement and there isn’t a need for messaging, you shouldn’t be organising things for his time.

he has her every weekend on a fixed day and i dont care what he does on his weekends but the pick up and drop off times change most weekends

But you do seem to care because that’s what you’re ultimately annoyed about - he made a decision for her to stay somewhere and you didn’t like it

You two need to use a parenting app.

I disagree with this line of thinking.
Op is primary parent, ex has her once a week. As a mother, op does have a right to know where and who she's staying with.

Reverse the roles and see who'd think the same. A mother taking her kids to stay over a new bfs house on the first day they've met. It's not okay.

Was your 11 year old happy to stay overnight with her dad at the woman's house?

You don't have a right to know where she is staying. Do you ask his permission if she stays with other people or you visit your friends? Do you have concern about his ability to keep her safe? You have to remember he is an equal parent to you.

My 12 year old goes to his dad every sat into Sunday. Generally, I leave the planning of times etc for him and his dad to agree. My son might get picked up early or he might go out on his bike and go to his dad's later on. He's mature enough to manage this himself. However, myself and ex husband have a really good relationship. It just saves me being the middle man. You maybe just need to do strict times unless there is an a emergency

You say you don’t care what he does on his weekends with her and also say that you had an argument because of him staying at his girlfriends with your DD so which one is it. You either care or you don’t?

Unless there’s neglect or abuse going on you have no grounds to question him on what he does with his child during his time with her.

He owes you nothing when it comes to his personal life and relationships so stick to just discussing your child.

As a PP said, use a parenting app. No phone numbers or calls or texts needed.

Chat gpt will help you reword it but you need to say something along the lines of - it’s inappropriate and unfair to expect dd to make arrangements it places an adult burden onto a child. I will not accept messages through her only by text on my mobile, email, or a parenting app if you organize and pay for this. I will not be sending her for contact with you until you have opened up communication in one of these format.

You need to use a parenting app.

He gets to make the decisions when she is with him and he doesn’t need to tell you or consult with you.

the parenting app will help to facilitate logistics but keep the toxicity out of it