Ex appeared at park

[sara44448]

Ive posted on here a few times before about my situation with DDs dad, basically i broke up with him just after DD was born due to him lying and using drugs multippe times during my pregnancy, then he only had visits with DD supervised by me, then ended up cutting him out of our lives at the beginning of this year when DD was about 15 months old, for the same reason, drugs and lies, hed also stopped bothering to turn up for weeks. he had many chances to change and didnt.

His parents i also decided to cut out of our lives as they enable and cover for him and tell him everything i tell them. So i said if he wants a relation ship with his daughter hell have to stop doing drugs and apply to court for contact and i blocked them all. So hadnt had any contact with any of them for the last 6 months, until a couple of weeks ago i got a letter from his parents, it was a nice letter saying they know their son let me down and he wont be involved but they still want a relationship with their grandchild etc.

So i felt guilty and i sent his mum a message, i said i didnt know about them coming to visit but id think about it but the date theyd suggested in the letter wouldnt work because my other child (different father) was having a surgical procedure and there was too much going on. She said dont worry dont even think about any of this until after the surgery. I said id send some photos for now as long as they promise not to send them to ex because i dont want him suddenly missing DD and trying to get in touch with me etc. She promised she wouldnt send them.

Over the next few days she kept bombarding me with messages and then asking if she could send videos of her and her husband to show to DD and i found it really pushy when she had said before that i should wait to think about if i want them to have any contact so i felt like this isnt going anywhere good and i blocked them again.

Now its about 2 weeks after thaf and yesterday i was at the local park with DD and suddenly ex appeared and approached us, he said he was "just driving past and saw us". i instantly started telling him to go away and he was saying "just tell me what i need to do to be in her life!" As if he doesnt know?? I started filming him and said id call the police and he left.

So now im assuming its because his mum did send the photos to him like i expected. He doesnt live near me but he knows i go to that park a lot so im assuming hes been driving past on purpose seeing if i was there.

Ive reported it to the police but feel really on edge now and i just wont dare go to that park anymore incase hes there again

What was he reported to the police for? Was he threatening? Is he on the birth certificate?

I understand you don’t like him and your reasons why.

However he is her dad and you need to think about how to facilitate visits so they do have a relationship. Why does he need to apply to a court for contact with his own daughter?

Is he on the birth certificate? If so he has equal legal rights as you without a court order.

I understand you've been through a tough time, but from what you've written here, you are not doing the best by your child.

You are putting yourself first. Blocking the grandparents seems very ill-judged.

I also am curious about the reason for the police report.

Forcing him to court may produce a worse outcome than you expect. How would you feel if he is able to procure court ordered 50:50? You might think with his past he couldn't manage, but his parents may be able to support him.

Hes not on the birth certificate. I tried to facilitate visits for 15 months and i dont see why i should have to be the one constantly drug testing him and dealing with being lied to etc. He is unstable and in no way capable of looking after a child. And he doesnt have to do anything threatening its threatening enough for a man who knows i dont want contact with him to be basically stalking me, driving past places where i might be, i was having a panic attack when i saw him. Im not thinking of myself he had loads of chances to get clean and my daughter deserves better than a father whos going to drop in and out of her life depending how hungover he is and her being exposed to drug use and unsafe situations

You haven’t detailed stalking, you’ve stated one time he’s approached you at a park trying to see his own child. What was the police report for?

None of this explains blocking the grandparents and refusing to even keep their likeness familiar to the baby (showing videos). They aren't a danger to the child, as far as you've written.

Sorry, but I agree with PP. I can see why you would not want to facilitate contact with your ex, but I think yabu refusing his parents contact.

I would also be careful of threatening court as that may not go the way you may want it to

One of the reasons im wary of his parents is they are jehovas witnesses, my ex basically blames the way they raised him for the way he is now, and he even said to me before its likely they would try to indoctrinate my daughter if they got chance. They live 4 hours away so have never seen her much anyway she doesnt know them

I think driving past a park to try see if someones there so you can approach them when you know its not wanted does count as stalking

That’s not a valid reason to cut them out, it’s obviously not a new change

And im not "threatening" court, if he goes to court and proves that hes clean and goes along with everything hes supposed to do then thats fine but im not just not willing anymore to be the one to be drug testing him and facilitating things he can sort that out himself if he wants to be in her life, no i dont have to put up with seeing someone who lies and takes drugs all the time just because hes my daughters biological father

I don't see what you have described as stalking. By your own words, he was asking to see his child. He simply looked to see if they were in a familiar place when driving by the area, nothing unusual in that. He wasn't there waiting for you.

No, of course you don't have to see him, but your child deserves a relationship with her father, however that comes about.

At the moment you have the control to have this happen at a pace that is in the best interests of the child, but if you continue to block even safe, online interactions with grandparents, you might have the control taken out of your hands.

If court is the only option you give him/ them, it might not go as you expect.

Does he have a criminal or medical record with regards to the drugs, or could it simply be your word against his that he uses drugs? Why would he need to prove to a court that he's clean? Maybe you can expand on that.

I can only assume the lies and drugs "all the time" were apparent before the pregnancy and in all likelihood you had him around your other child. Perhaps you don't always have the best judgement either; after all you chose to be in a relationship and have a child with him?

Well if court rule it then you will have to, you just won’t have as much say in it. Him being your child’s father is a very good reason.

Drug taking.
Also not showing for previous visits.

I knew he did drugs before yes but he hid the full extent of it and he promised to stop when i got pregnant. He had no reason to be driving past the park i was at he doesnt live or work nearby. I tried to faciliate his relationship with his daughter for 15 months, for the first few months i was letting him come to my house multiple times a week for hours even though i didnt want him there at all, he always seemed far more interested in talking to me and examining my house than interacting with his daughter and would make constant comments about my appearance including how big and full of milk my boobs were.

Then he started acting strange like would spend the whole time he was here lying on the floor and saying strange things, i suspected drugs again and eventually he admitted he had been doing ketamine again. I said it was his last chance now and i stopped letting him come to my house and did visits once a week at the park and that seemed to go okay for a few months, but again he always spent way more time trying to talk to me than interacting with his daughter including talking about drugs and other inappropriate topics, but insisted he was not taking drugs anymore and i gave him the benefit of the doubt but then his visits became sporadic, then he didnt turn up at all for 3 weeks in a row and lost his job, i suspected drugs again and asked him to do a test and he disappeared didnt hear from him for weeks, i spoke to his dad and he said ex was going to do a test but wanted to be sure it would be clean so was waiting for the drugs to be out of his system. So yet again lying, trying to cheat a test, his parents didnt see an issue with it.

I dont want this chaos in my daughters life. Im happy for him to see her if he sorts himself out but he hasnt

It sounds like the park was a good idea, away from your home and in public. He wasn't wanting the child alone.

I would think resuming this might be worth thinking about. Say you'll be at the park at a particular time for an hour (or whatever is appropriate) for "contact with the child". Have some headphones and listen to music or a podcast while supervising.

I'd also drop asking for drug testing. There's no point and you don't have the right to insist on it. He's not interested in having the child unless supervised by you, so if he's impaired, cut the contact short on that day. He's likely to get bored again after a few weeks/ months anyway, so it will dwindle again.

At least your child isn't old enough to feel let down if he doesn't show, as she won't be expecting him anyway.