Does you ex p/h come to your DCs birthday parties?

[citylover]

I just wondered what other people did and whether I was being really unreasonable. Have ranted about exH on other threads.

I organised a very small party for DS1 in the afternoon and exH came over at lunchtime to see him, plus DSs uncle and aunt.

I had not mentioned the party to exH or invited him to it but he stayed nonetheless.

If my DS had specifically asked for exH to be there then I would have asked him to come of course.

Then had the cheek to ask if the cake bit could be moved forward (was going to do near the end) because he and ex BIL and SIL needed to go for meal at his new DPs.

He contributed nothing towards the party btw.

I am not going to make an issue of it with him as we have already had two big fallouts this weekend as he has been unhappy about picking them up one extra night and the time I planned to arrive home. Had to stay a little late 7pm for work. This is an annual event by the way not every week.

Turned out on both occasions when he is champing at the bit to get away after having picked them up it has been for social reasons.

His new DP is about to give birth so this isn't going to get any better is it?

Hope I am clear feel very upset about the whole thing.

I invited my exh to my ds's birthday party (4th birthday) last year, as my ds listed him as someone he wanted to come...it did make things slightly awkward for some of my friends and family, who are not impressed with him, but I asked him for my ds's sake. The party was in a village hall so was the first 'proper' party we have done. My exh only stayed for the two hours, and didn't see what we had bought ds jointly as a birthday present - he also has a new baby with his new partner, and had to hurry back to them (-for my ds, btw!!). Prior to that, however, I have always done a similiar thing to you, a small gathering at home and exh was not invited.

It sounds as if you may feel better if things are more on your terms - eg. if he wanted to leave early then he would just have to miss the cake bit... It does get complicated when the new baby arrives but it does settle down. The difficulty is in dividing up their (exh's) time and multitasking! It turned out that my exh had to leave our party pretty swiftly as his new dp was miffed that she and their baby weren't invited (over my dead body!)... Stand your ground with things that matter to you and try to take a deep breath about things that you can afford to let go...His life is going to get a lot more complicated, and if you can take a step back it will be a lot easier to handle (very much easier said than done!).

Well done on being civil despite the circumstances...

I have always invited exH to both DCs parties but he never comes....he doesnt pay for the party either.
Doesnt bother me and DCs dont ask him to come so they clearly dont expect him to be there.
Easier for me cos my family are still annoyed with him for having an affair & leaving so I would dread there being a scene or an atmosphere.

My exH has a little do for the children on the weekend he has them nearest to their birthdays

Yes I think I will be encouraging that from now on - that he has a do for them at his place as he is about to move in with his new dp and I am keen to encourage them to include my DCs in things esp as the babies will be born soon. I don't want my DCs to feel left out.

I don't think he and new DP are going to know what's hit them tbh.

I didn't expect him to pay for the whole thing but an offer would have been nice!

It will also be interesting to see whether he offers to contribute towards my DS1s school uniform - he is starting secondary school in September and it seems the outlay will be quite considerable.

Don't wait for him to offer, ask him what he will/can contribute to it.

Also re the party perhaps suggest that next year he's welcome to come and spend half/one hour with dc on the actual birth day but if he could leave promptly as you have things to do.

Do your own party and don't invite him unless you want him there. It' your house, your home, your relatives. He can do his own celebration at his place. I'm sure his new dp wouldn't be happy fo ryou to be there at her home.

You need to point out that you're not together and it's not appropriate for him to expect to be involved in your day as he would have been had you stayed together.

Suggest perhaps you could have a party elsewhere if he wants to be part of it (softplay/zoo/village hall with disco and magician) and that you both contribute half of the costs. You would have to expect his new partner and children (if any) to be nvited though. That would be a party for dc and their friends so he/they could come to that.

A family day that you organise in your home isn't the same thing at all. If that's not convienient for him he can do his own celebration when dc is with him.

If you don't want him to be at your house you shouldn't have to have him there. And he can't expect cake etc to be done at his convienence!

Friend's exDH goes to all their DS's birthday parties so far.

He never showed his face at any of the boys parties when we were together, so definitely wouldn't think to ask him now we're apart!

we're having this issue but a generation up - dp's parents haven't been in the same room for 30 years! not very civilised and v v difficult for dp and his brother even into adulthood.

we have decided to invite both parties to everything and if either decides not to come then they will be losing out.

it must be very difficult but in my opinion it's important for kids to have both parents at things like birthday parties if at all possible (and not likely to end in a brawl of course ).

God PC that's a shame why didn't he come when you were together?

DP and his ex do have joint b'day parties for their DD, except for one year when Dp's ex had a secret bday party which really cut him up.
DP and ex alternate who orgnanises the parties DP one year, ex the next, with each parent going halves in theory. That one went tits up when DP organised their DD's 4th. DP's ex made of with all the presents that day and later refused to pay her half. Since then the parent organising pays for that year and vice versa.
However DP's ex tried another trick for their DD's 5th, she tried to stop DP's parents (paternal grandparents) going and also myself and our baby DD, their DD's little sister. All went well when it was confirmed in the court order that their DD was to have a "joint family birthday party" each year.
DP's DD had a great time with all the people she loved there.

He just didn't do children's parties - thought of them as his idea of hell, so was never around.

My ex dh is now a Jehovahs witness owing to marriage.

It hurts him to see my kids having fun...but I tell him to be a good follower
My kids used to ask for him on thier birthdays but now they don't as mummy puts on a reasonable spread
I can see it in his eyes he so wants to join in but wifey is dragging him away. Ignored the hand made cards.

OTOH I love parties and dd's have all their mates over, even the non birthday child. It's like a temporary hostel in here sometimes..and I see that little pang of jealousy in him.

But his wife assaulted ddq in here on dd2's birthday last year..soooooo, no I dont anymore.
Couldn't bear my kids being hurt all over again.

my ex is exactly the same, comes along to parties usually paying nothing. this year he has and we are doing a party, so he wil be there but he sbringing his new partner who i really despise shetakes over with my ds and he sometimes comes home upset. i had it out with him but just had huge argument with me telling him not to bring her. am i unreasonable? x

No I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I would not like my ex to bring his new p to any social function I had organised - it just wouldn't seem right and as he has not seemed keen to introduce us I don't think that will be happening.

Also if your DS is coming home upset I would have to do something about it. I realise it's dodgy territory but even so.

I was told by a third party that his new DP is very good with DS2 so that's good but it stil felt funny.