We were never together and he's not on birth cert but he demands weekly access

[deb53]

Not even an ex partner, he was a one night stand really, friend of sister's boyfiend

I did what I thought was morally right and told him I was expecting
He said he wanted to be involved- although got a lot of grief during the pregnancy as a result

When baby was born, he avoided any talk of maintenance and it took 4 months for me to finally get the courage to ask

We agreed a figure, turns out he works casually , pays no tax, claims benefits and a flat but lives with parents, he gambles and I know he can easily get the money together

He was seeing the baby once a week when I was off work, taking him to his parents house

now I'm back working ,I want to change to fortnightly , He has generally missed the payments dates and I have had to hound him and upset myself to get an agreement in place, latest is a weekly amount and always paid up to a fortnight in advance

He is still demanding to see him once a week (said he wouldn't pay otherwise)

He's not on the birth certificate and I've never had a relationship with him

I work hard and earn well and would rather he didn't pay and saw baby less , I do believe my baby should see his dad and would never cut off all access unless felt he was unsafe

What is a reasonable amount of contact to grant for someone in my position

I'm pretty sure I am totally in control here but it doesn't feel like that when he is sitting there trying to call the shots

He's your baby's dad. Whether he's on the birth certificate or not, whether you were in a relationship or not or whether he has ever paid you a penny or not.

If he is a decent guy (like you say you do not feel he is unsafe) then I think he should be entitled to as much access as he needs to maintain his relationship with his child.

And hey - you may not feel it but many people on this section may feel you are a lot luckier in your situation than they are. Many of us have children who's fathers actively go out of the way to avoid seeing their children and that is heartbreaking.

Your child deserves the chance to get to know their father too. It is up to you to keep your relationship as amicable as possible thus ensuring that although this man does not have much involvement in your life he does in his own child's. If when you baby has grown up they decide not to continue the relationship with their father then that's their decision to make and you will have a clear conscience knowing that your personal opinions and views did not taint this.

i think you should let him see the baby once a week regardless....he id not just your baby....you didnt make him on your own, he is not a belonging/object and i feel that you are being rather selfish.
Whether you were a couple or not you had sex....and had a baby together, and he has as much right to be in his life as you

Why the emphasis on cash? You've said you earn well and don't need it. Your child is not a commodity.

You and the father of your child need to work out an access schedule that is good for your son, everything else is niggles and they'll get ironed out in time.

Essentially, I need to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and what balance of access / contact is considered reasonable by the legal system. Please do not assume that he is a decent person, because he is not and I have my own reasons for wanting advice, as I said, I have never prevented him seeing his son, which is completely contrary to my feelings.

he is legally entitled to access regardless of wether he is on bc. i checked before having my dd1 as was having issues with ex.

if he took you to court for access he would be granted it and it would probably be more than once a week. weekends probably and definately would involve overnight stays if he had somewhere suitable.

actually if you have geniune concerns for the safety of your son. and i do mean his safety and not just that his dad is a tosser. then you may have a case to stop him seeing him as much or at all. but needs to be things like he is abusive, a drug user etc not just that he is an arse

He doesn't pay to be a father, you can't charge for access.

Maintenace is a different issue to be follwed through different channels i.e. solicitor or CSA.

Seems like he wants to be involved in this child's life. A lot of blokes (including my ex who wasn't a one night stand) do a runner and never see their child.

Small babies/children need regular contact to develop a meaningful relationship with the non resident parent. If he took you to court he is likely to get given more frequent access, probably a couple of hours three or four times a week, then moving to several hours at a time (full day) and eventually the minimum bog standard court order which normally specifies every other weekend and half the school hols once child is at school.

If you make things difficult you may well end up with your ds spending a lot more time with his dad short and long term than he is getting now. Plus if you have been facilitating access weekly and suddenly reduce this but are still allowing every fortnight the court will probably want to see the existing arrangement continue.

Just out of interest where does your son go while you are at work? If you are using childcare why can't his dad have him some of that time? He could pick him up at lunchtime and you collect him from dad on your way home for example. Would cut your childcare costs for one things, and ds would spend time with his dad and you'd not loose any of your time with him either.

Also contact and maintenance are completely unrelated. You can't withhold contact just because he doesn't pay. Especially if he is 'officially' out of work and claiming benefits like you said he'd not have to pay much maintenance anyhow if CSA assessed him!

Gilly

OK, I KNOW I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS HERE BUT HERE WE GO......

Point one. He is the father of this child and a child needs a father

Point two. As a father he needs to pay to support his child

Point three. He needs to and has as much right to bond with the child as you do

Point four. Maybe just maybe this is why people should be married or at least know someone before they bring another life in to the world

Point five: Accidents happen, and we all deal with them in our own way

vera its not your place to sit in judgement.

deb can you still not let him have the baby once a week, is there any way that he can help out with childminding whilst you are at work ? you do need to sit down together and come to an agreement, you might even be grateful in the future for a break

I totally think you are totally entitled to money but you need to go to the CSA to do so I would warn him this is what you are doing beforehand.

I agree he needs to give you some money and being a father does not just mean fawning over your child for an hour a week.

Is your DC's father doing any actual parenting? He sounds very irresponsible, and if he is just taking the baby off your hands and to his parents house for a visit, I can totally empathise why you are reluctant to let your baby see his father. There is a massive difference between conceiving children and rearing children - could you perhaps, non-aggressively, try to talk this through with him?

Message withdrawn

The way of looking at it is not the baby's father's rights to see the child...but the baby's right to see his father.

For my situation: If I thought it was in my son's best interests not to see me, I would stop fighting for him in an instant.

All other things being equal, a father in a child's life is a positive thing compared to not having one.

deb

You need to disassociate the fact that your baby was a result of a one night stand the time that your baby spends with its father. It is very hard to keep your feelings about the father separate from his relationship with his son but they really have nothing to do with money or contact.

A child has a right to relationship with its father and one of frequent short visits is better when the child is young. Once a week is probably less than a court would suggest. When my dd was younger, about 6 months to 18 months, her father saw her 2-3 times a week for a couple of hours each time. This has increased in time but reduced in frequency to twice a week, she is 2.

You should never look on the other parent as a baby sitter but you can try to work the time you have free to your advantage. If he is wanting to look after his child, unless you have serious concerns for your child's safety, let him. Ensure he has all the stuff necessary and then enjoy your time.

The financial side is a separate issue, if you were to go down the route of the CSA, it is likely that you would get less than you currently receive due to his benefit status but at least you would receive a regular amount and perhaps if you are financially secure, this is a better solution to ease any stress that the current agreement you have is causing you.

I do not think that any of the pp have assumed your ex is a decent person, some of us have dealt with or are dealing with non paying demanding fathers and the rest would love our lo's father to take an interest in them. The pp posts have put across some important points about the way the legal system views access and maintenance and were relevant to your original post.

from a legal point of view-the level of contact for a small child needs to be frequent-not necessarily for long durations but in order to establish a relationship it needs to be frequent. Once weekly is the minimum you would be looking at all things being equal.

As the child grows-so too will contact-it will involve longer periods of time and overnight stays.

The Courts will not entertain the notion that contact should only take place if he is paying for the child's upkeep. If you raise this as a reson for limiting contact you will show yourself to be motivated by money and not what is actually in your son's best interests.

His lack of upkeep is a factor that the Court will consider should he apply for Parental Responsibility. It has no place in contact disputes.

Hope this helps

Yes - guidelines - including those of CAFCASS state that ideal contact for very young children is `little and often' - an hour a day or something like that. That's an ideal to strive for.

lostdad - sounds good.

Sadly I fear that even resident parents don't always manage that much...

I'd love the father of my youngest to do little and often. It's lucky he comes and sees them once a week. It's a wonder our youngest knows who he is

Hmmm. Is it good for the child to see this man? Start with that question and
work from there I'd say.

the question that should be asked is actually are there any convincing reasons why your son shouldn't see his dad. That is the approach the Court will take. If the answer is No, then issues as to how the child was conceived etc are an irrelevance. Just because this man has a dubious employment status - is not a good reason for denying contact. Warts and all, he's the child's father.

your baby has a dad though, you did what was moraly right by telling him and to be fair on him from a 1 night stand he is being moraly by taking care of is child. some men would have ran a mile. is he harmful to the child? as id say if he was iolent or dangerous i would not let him see baby. but to be honest without being all jeremy kyle you decided to have baby with a man you did not know so thats why your unsure but your daughter/son does and he s their daddy , she should see them at least once a week as important for you child to ave a relationships with ther fathers