Can all single parents of younger children relate to this?

[punkhairbrush]

’ve been a single mum for four and a half years, since my child was one. In that time I’ve been through a lot with life and work. My ex pays a minimal amount each month – it helps, but barely touches the sides when everything is so expensive. I’m not entitled to any benefits as I earn “just above” the threshold, which I find really frustrating because I am genuinely struggling financially.

I live in a two-bed flat and just feel a bit stuck. I work full time during the day and then most evenings and weekends I’m freelancing just to make ends meet. On top of that I have my child around 80% of the time, if not more. My ex works all over the UK so that isn’t likely to change.

I’m also perimenopausal and I just feel stressed, anxious and snappy a lot of the time. I try to exercise three or four times a week in my front room, but doing everything on my own can feel really hard. My head constantly feels overwhelmed and I feel like I’m just waiting for life to improve (I’ve already changed jobs), but I can’t see how it actually will.

Where I live, houses are incredibly expensive – think £450k for a tiny two-bed. I earn £45k and I honestly don’t know how a single parent is meant to manage on that each month. Please don’t say that’s a high salary – it really isn’t once you factor in rent, bills, council tax, childcare and everything else. And moving isn’t an option for me.

I get very little support and, if I’m honest, I don’t really enjoy much at the moment. My mum lives abroad and is constantly sending “positive thinking” messages, which I actually find quite frustrating as it feels like she doesn’t understand how hard things are day to day. I really don’t think anyone does until they are a single parent.

I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else is in a similar position, and how you’re coping or managing to feel a bit more stable

I was in this situation financially (DS now 6) - for a chunk of time when he was in nursery my outgoings were higher than my salary and basically drained my savings to survive. I also live in a ridiculously expensive area, and needed to make more to buy somewhere on my own so reconfigured my whole career into something more boring but higher paying (tech) and slogged through 4 years of job hopping and networking to get here. Definitely worth it now I’m here but it seemed impossible and risky back then!

Some other things I did that helped short term:

Figured out exactly what little luxuries actually improved my life and made that cost non-negotiable, having my favourite hand cream/nice chocolate/fancy tea in the cupboard stopped a bad takeaway habit and just gave me that little ‘looked after’ feeling 😂

I found a decent local playground with outdoor gym equipment and worked out there. The motivation from DS also wanting to head there and knowing it was coming got me out the door.

Therapy! If your workplace offers any as part of an employee assistance program - many do - take them up on it. Talking about your goals/feelings/where you’re going in life is equally as valid as past trauma and really helped me.

Childcare swaps - if you haven’t yet, I tried really intentionally to make friends with other single mums where our kids were happy playing together, so we could cover each other for childcare emergencies and also just a few hours on the weekend so we can get stuff done 😂 I found this wasn’t as easy as is assumed online and lots of people don’t want reciprocal friendships, which is of course fine, but I did find a few others hoping for the same thing.

But I think the most important thing I did mentally was just acknowledging how HARD this is. It’s so easy to compare yourself to anyone else and feel like you should be ‘keeping up’ but the reality is we’re all just doing the best we can, and parenting is not designed as a one person sport 😂

@namechange3651wow, you sound incredible and much more resilient than me. I did actually come career to tech orientated job but it was
really demanding and without any other real support I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

I am trying to implement more balance in my life. I tend to make work my priority which other than my home workout leaves very little time for anything else.

id also love and probably do need therapy but it’s the cost and the NHS pathway is very
xomputer says no. And only offered CBT which iis not what I need.

thanks for such a great response. It does help to know it’s not just me. I just feel terribly guilty for always being at the end of my tether and I get snappy at my daughter which isn’t fair xxx

Does your ex pay the right amount of child support?

I've been in a similar situation since the dc were 3 and 5. It's much easier now they're teenagers and I've moved to a lower stress job. Above all, the thing that would've helped me would've been more support and understanding, emotionally and practically.

Not even my family or closest friends really cared to listen and think about what my day to day life actually was (it often felt like a prison). If I could go back, I'd join online/real life groups of single mums. They're pretty much the only ones who get it.

Edit: and I would've lost the plot without HRT and tools like journaling, yoga, meditation, comedy podcasts and escaping into books/films, these things honestly held me together when no one else would.

I'm a solo parent on a far lower salary (and no CM payments) but with lower childcare costs and local support as my mother helps out. Also in a tiny house in a high cost housing area. It is currently really tough as costs have soared. I'm also struggling with time as I'm exhausted and after my child goes to bed I just want to sleep so I don't do the tidying/decluttering which is desperately needed.

I usually get a boost of energy in the summer so I'm hoping that I'll get more done ober the next few months, but peri brain fog and general procrastination is currently hitting hard.

@applescentedcandle100% there is always a lot of ‘if you ever need anything/I'm always there for you.’ But generally it’s all talk in the moment and you realise (unless you’re lucky enough to have family support local and on tap)! The emotional and physical toll of being a small person’s everything whilst working full time and attempting to do general life admin is tough to not crack under the pressure.

@applescentedcandleand totally relate to prison feeling. It just feels so monotonous. Family don’t really want to listen and the constant you’ll have a great time.’ As you go to another family function and are the person who doesn’t get a break as you’re constantly parenting and then by default end up parenting the kids of other family members who have two parents present!!! I was told to sit at the kids end of the table this weekend as I was the only single person!!!

Haven't had time to RTFT but are you sure you're not entitled to any benefits? I earn slightly more than you and get UC towards my rent and childcare costs as a single parent. Have you tried applying or checking the Entitled To website?

@Cryingatthegymthats really interesting to know. Would you mind if I DM you? As I would be keen to hear approximate costs you receive. I spoke to UC
a few months ago and they didn’t think I’d be entitled to anything

Yes of course. And to answer your question (now I've had time to read the thread properly!) everything you've said absolutely resonates with me as a single parent with very limited help from either the other parent or family. I feel like all I do is work, housework, take care of the kids and try to get enough sleep. I'm always broke and always seem to be behind on something, whether that's bills, work, chores, laundry or school emails, there's always SOMETHING.

I find the hardest thing is when I'm absolutely at (or beyond) my limit of exhausted and fed up but I still have to push through to take care of everyone, cook the meals, clean the kitchen, sort the uniforms etc. I can't just tap out and let someone else take over or take a break to relax in between tasks, it's just go go go from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall into bed.

It's bloody draining and a bit miserable a lot of the time. I try so hard to enjoy my kids, focus on the positives etc but sometimes I think I do too much of a good job of appearing like I'm fine and I've got it all together, because nobody really checks in and asks how I am or whether I need anything. I've also lost touch with quite a few friends as I just don't have the time to be catching up with them regularly and certainly can't afford meals out or weekends away. It's really hard.

A really minor thing that gets me is not being able to pop to the shops if I suddenly fancy a bar of chocolate or remember I have no bread for the morning. Meal planning and decision making and paying bills and booking afterschool/holiday clubs - they all take up so much brainspace, but sometimes it is not being able to nip out for 10 minutes that is the final straw.

This is the bit that kills me too. It’s always the tiny minor inconvenience that sets me over the edge after managing to keep all of the other plates (just about) spinning.

I don’t earn as much as you OP and don’t live in a high costs area, but even with my UC top up, every single month I’m in my overdraft and it kills me that my kids are the ones who are constantly being told no to things like extracurriculars. Even if I could afford more, the pure logistics of running around even more on my own with both kids would be impossible.

On the flip side, the three of us are incredibly close and they’re getting a much more “90s” childhood than a lot of their peers which I can see the benefit of when watching them in groups. One day I’m going to miss them being young and I just hope that we can all look back and be proud of what we achieved. Although using the 8 nights a month they’re with EXH to be outside and occasionally literally scream and cry into the hills is one of the few things keeping me sane for now.

Oh my goodness yes to this! And also not being able to go out in the evening or socialise without paying £££ (which I don't have!) for a babysitter.

Hi op I’m similar. Gym with a creche helps! As do play date swaps. If you pay rent you should get uc help.

I agree with this, I spend way too much on deliveroo groceries when I run out of things