Will advice for lone parent

[CookieCookies]

This is a bit sensitive so trigger warning …..

I know we can say who we want our children to go to in a will but can we also say who we dont want our children to go to? I’m asking because I had a family member die very young recently leaving behind two small children and now I keep having nightmares and worrying what will happen to my children if something happens to me. I have an abusive family member who I do not want them to go to but would almost certainly try to gain residency of them. Can I do a will stating I don’t want them to go to this family member? (They will not go to their father) i dont have anyone for them to go to so im not asking if I can list someone for them to go with just if I can state who I absolutely dont want to have them

I think you can put any wishes in a will. (Not a solicitor).

My one says my kids are to go to my mum or sister, not their dad who they don't know.

Yes, mine says not to go to bil.

@CookieCookies you need proper legal advice from a STEP solicitor. https://www.step.org/directory/members

My understanding is that there is no guarantee who will end up being your children’s guardian because it will be what is best for them.

What you can do is specify who you do and do not want to look after them. I would also compile a file of evidence of why someone is unsuitable.

I would also think carefully about finances. The person/people who will manage your estate to benefit your children. This doesn’t have to be the same person/people as their guardian. You need to think how and when you want DC to have access to their inheritance. There are day to day expenses, one off as children e.g. school trip, bike etc. funding university, house deposits etc.

Given you have lost a family member with young children your heightened anxiety is perfectly normal. You will be going through the grief cycle for your loss and really thinking through how you can best help your children is a pragmatic thing you can do.

Remember you can change a will so what is right now may not be in 5 or 10 years time. Having a will and regularly reviewing it, is important. As is having LPAs in place.

Edited for grammar.

You can name guardians in your will. From speaking to a solicitor it is a problem if both parents died at similar time and named different guardians for any children under 18. The guardians can be different to any trustees who look after any monies until the child or children are old enough to take charge of them themselves.

Depending on age of the children “they will not go to their father” is not something you can control. If he has parental responsibility he will always be who courts/social services approach first. Naming someone as a Guardian in your will doesn’t mean they can usurp the remaining living parent. You can make a statement of wishes but it doesn’t have to be upheld

Hi, people are misreading my post. They will not go to their father as he doesn’t want them as specified in my post and he has said multiple times he doesn’t want them. I also can’t name anyone As there is no one that would have them, im asking if I can specifically name they don’t go to a family member related to me as they are abusive so can I ask they don’t go to them they’d be better off in foster care.

Do yoir children have any contact with this family member? Or contact with their fathet?

No contact with either but this particular family member why try to seek residency (if that’s the right word) if anything was to happen to me

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss of your family member.

As I understand it from other people who’ve been through this, your wishes in your will for guardianship are really only “what id like to happen”, it’s taken into consideration but ultimately children’s social services decide what happens, taking your wishes into account. I think a note that you don’t want your dcs to go to Xxx because they were abusive to you/others, would have to be considered when making a decision about placing your dcs.

Definitely book some time with a solicitor to discuss the wording.

One more thing, if you do add that to your will, make sure you make a note to update your will once your dcs are adults. You just don’t want the point your kids read your will to suddenly be about this person you hated 40/50 years ago, and hopefully died well before you.

Are you sure the father won’t change his mind if there are assets that would go to your children that he would ultimately manage and benefit from? Eg your house is left to your children or a death in service/life insurance policy that pays off the mortgage ….and then he decides that he’d move in mortgage free to “raise them? (I’ve known that happen….)
as other posters have said social services ultimately decide …. And that can be the complete opposite of your wishes

No he wouldn’t. Hes not involved and doesn’t want to be a father, there will be no assets and he wouldn’t care if there was.

It would be good if their father wanted them, this isn’t about him as he doesn’t and has no contact. He is also better off financially than me so finances wouldnt be an incentive for him. This is purely if I can prevent an abusive family member taking them.

Ah ok. Is there absolutely no one you could appoint as a guardian? If there isn’t then it will 100% be up to social services to decide their future. You can write a letter stating your reasons why you don’t want this family member but without evidence - of which your letter will be unsubstantiated there really is nothing you can do x

Thanks, I do have evidence

Is the dad on their birth certificate - he just decided he didn’t want anything to do with his kids - but if he did you would be happy for them to go to him ?

you really need to appoint a guardian for your kids. You can change and update that yearly if need be

do you not have any friends or family on dads side who you would consider ?

it’s very scary thinking if I die who will look after dd - but it’s in my will , who I want as her guardian and she won’t be going to her dad due to his drinking

so yes I’m sure you can say who you don’t want but be good to have a written reason /evidence why they may not be suitable to look after dc

There is no one on my side that can have them. I don’t know anyone on his side im not in contact with anyone to do with him. I just wanted to know if I can make sure they don’t go to a certain person (my relative)

Harsh as sounds you need to make a plan for if the worst happens and you die

so whether a friend or get in contact with dads side if family

yes 99.9% you will be ok but it’s just covering everything if not

They will go into care SS will contact father and his side to ask if they want to step up.

Maybe its worth a chat to ex so if you die , that he can look after them

rather than Kids go to ss ans have their whole lives eve. More blown apart

Are you serious.. Cant decide whether you are being goady, he hasn’t seen them in years because he doesn’t want to. I mean of course if he decides he wants to step up when im gone good for him but that will be between him and SS so no I won’t be doing that. Anyway I have my answer so can this stopped being bumped thanks

Probate and Wills lawyer here.

if you were my client I would advise you to write your wishes with regard to guardianship in a letter of wishes that sits alongside your will but is not part of it (and hence not public when your will goes to probate). You should nominate guardians in your will (who you would wish the children to go to) and the letter of wishes will set out who you don’t want them to and why (keep the letter factual and to the point). You should understand guardianship wishes in wills are just wishes they are not legally binding but will be taken into consideration by a court.

No I’m not being goady

you say you don’t went to go to a relative of yours

that kids would go into care /ss and they will contact ex/dad family

is he likely to say no ?

You say they won’t go to their father in op - but why - esp if you die you say ss will then talk to ex

that’s why I’m confused

it worries me a lot where my dd would go if I die. Won’t be her dad as he’s an alcoholic and therefore I have made provisions for her in my will and spoke to people about taking care of her

if the worst happens to me

to lose me and then be uprooted to care would destroy her

yes we are unlikely to die but equally it does happen so knowing I know my dd will be cared for and loved if the worst happens by someone she knows makes me less worried

Because he doesn't want them and is no contact with them, if he won't see them when I'm alive he is hardly going to step up if I die. But ss have a duty to contact him so that will be between them.