Ending a relationship on maternity leave and concerns about shared custody

[Millypip91]

Hello,

I have come to the conclusion that I need to end my relationship with the father of my two children. I am currently on maternity leave from a part time job and my partner earns more than double what I do. He covers the mortgage and bills and I cover the kids stuff and the food shopping and my own stuff.
I am completely overwhelmed with where to start. We live in an expensive area and I would not be able to afford the rent or mortgage alone. I do have the option of moving back to my parents but this would involve complete upheaval for my children and moving far away. I have not said anything about ending the relationship as yet as I want to plan my ending and leave in the best way possible. For those of you that have done this what do custody arrangements typically look like now? The only reason I am considering staying is because I hate the thought of losing out on any precious time with my little ones. How bad is it? Am I looking at 50/50 here or close to it? How do you cope with that? It's unfortunately got to the stage where I can't see myself staying and if I did it would be for the sole reason of not wanting to share custody. He is not at home much anyway so it feels like maybe I should just stay and tolerate things when he is here but I want my children to be emotionally healthy and I think separating might be healthier for them especially long term. I actually don't love him anymore and there is just too much water under the bridge at this point.

Are you married? That is going to be crucial information really

he legally can prevent you moving the children to your parents - and odds are it will be granted by a judge - I know a few people who were stopped from moving their kids post separation/divorce now

yes if he went for 50/50 he’d get it - courts are putting a fathers right to equal time with their children above anything else at the moment. How old are your children? Presumably you have a newborn which would likely mean not 50/50 straight away for that one but would be a gradual process (don’t listen to posters who will say to breastfeed until they are 5 or something to get out of handing the child over! - courts take a dim view of that too!)

Tbh at the moment id start exploring job opportunities and how you will support yourself financially - you’ll be expected to work full time. If he goes for 50/50 custody then he doesn’t have to pay CMS

personally ….. if the relationship is just a bit boring and no abuse I’d stick it out….. the statistics are very clear that children do better raised in a 2 parent family.

Thank you for your reply. No we're not married. He has his own business and is a high earner but I feel like he could probably do something clever to avoid paying CMS anyway. He's a complete workaholic so I doubt he'd be able to manage 50/50 but he'd probably go for it to spite me. I don't know if it's abuse. We argue a lot he blames me for his angry outbursts where he will tells me to fuck off frequently. This usually only happens at night when the kids are in bed. He's basically depressed and constantly stressed with the business so takes it out on me but it feels too strong to say it's abuse tbh. He's just very neglectful of my needs and doesn't consider me and is very selfish. He has a really good bond with our older child but does nothing with the baby apart from maybe say hello once a day. I can fake it for the kids to a point but there are a lot of frosty atmospheres which I know is so unhealthy for them. I am just really scared of the alternative because I don't know if it would actually be better or just be lots of other new problems. We have tried couples counselling multiple times with some success but only ever in the short term and then it's always back to the same pattern. He never apologises or shows any empathy for my feelings.

He sounds like he could be the type to use the children in a separation to punish you. Having his own business is a nightmare when it comes to CMS - there are so many loopholes he could take advantage of to avoid paying you a penny.

not being married is going to to leave you very exposed …..is the house in your name as well?

if you are going to leave him then you need to be prepared that he won’t allow you to move the children away therefore you need to start exploring going back to work full time and financially things like universal credit and what rental options are available? This will undoubtedly mean the children sharing a room etc or in an area you wouldn’t have put first choice. You are going to need to come to terms with a significant change in circumstances and living standards. I’m not trying to make you stay with him but you do need to be prepared for a new reality but it sounds like you would be well shot of him

i can’t say what it’s like to share custody - my ex husband has little to do with our children. And I don’t agree with 50/50 so would have fought with every last breath to prevent it happening

In reality when things are not going well can you rely on your childrens father regularly? Its hars to say until you havd split. Get your name on the housing list. You can claim housing benefit and chold maintainance OP.