Find myself envious of others

[RainyRainyRain]

Feel awful even saying this but does anyone else find themselves feeling jealous of single mums with involved exes? I follow a single mum on SM and her kids father is very involved, they share 50/50 so she gets lots of time to herself, goes on holiday, nights out, has a new partner. Meanwhile im sat in every night on my own feeling so lonely. I can’t help but envy her, that would have been my ideal set up. i love my kids dont get me wrong but I miss having a life other than just being “mum” does anyone else relate? I feel like I’ve completely lost my identity and don’t even recognise myself anymore.

Sorry I probably worded this badly, it should have been im jealous of people that have good relationships with their ex and they remain actively involved. I won’t stop following them as im honestly bored stiff every night sat on my own so scrolling is my only form of entertainment (god that sounds sad)

Do you have any interests @RainyRainyRain? The Internet is a wide and vast place, your current form of entertainment is hurting you.

You didn’t word it badly at all, it’s me. It’s not sad either. Being a single parent is a really different type of loneliness, and it’s so hard to explain to people because obviously you love your kids and wouldn’t want to be without them, but at the same time the loneliness is crushing. You sound like you’re having to live in survival mode atm.

not really, as I said I’ve completely lost myself since having children. Don’t even recognise myself anymore. Lost most of my friends because they lost interest in me because I was stuck in every night unable to go anywhere or do anything without my children.

Thanks for understanding

Dont believe everything you see online 99% of it fake made up crap.
I rent a very small bedsit abroad and go as much as i can just to get away from life.
Op it may look hard now but your days will come.

When I’m old and my youth has gone 😔 I really try hard to feel positive about that time coming but by then I will be old and missed whats suppose to be the best years of my life.

Who gets to dictate which are our best years?

I’m the wrong side of 50, and my dc are in their 20’s. In 2024 I actually started university, I’m in my second year now, studying for a degree in philosophy. After years living on benefits, feeling broken and battered by the world, I am finally living my life for me, and I’m having an amazing time.

I’m not suggesting you should do the same thing, I just wanted to show you that being older doesn’t mean you can’t go out and do exactly what you want to do with your life.

This. I'm pleased that I've been able to raise my ds to be a cheerful, sensible young man with good values, which would not have been so easy if my ex had been around.

After a few years my ex started to demonstrate some very dodgy opinions.

Yanbu, I know it can be tough OP but stick with it.

I just feel I could have done all of that without putting my life on hold and waiting till my kids have grown up and flown the nest before I get any time back. I also hate that I have children with someone who doesn’t see them. My kids are also affected by it and have needed to have counselling to come to terms with being abandoned.

Im also sick to the back teeth of being poor and only scraping by each month, with nothing to show, if the other parent is involved costs are shared and all the financial strain isnt on one person

I hear you OP. I'm not a loan parent because my ex eventually stepped up. He's not amazing but he does try. I know I am very lucky in that respect. But there was a period when he didn't, so I have a tiny inkling into what you're feeling. I'm not sure I would cope so well if that had continued. It's bloody hard. Are you getting counselling for yourself as well as your DC? Do you have parents or other family who can help? Im also wondering if there are any networks of loan parents, even online, you could link with and at least develop some friendships and mutual support from people in your situation. Fwiw, I do think you sound a bit depressed. It's hardly surprising, I know it would affect my mental health, but it might be worth looking at some MH support for yourself. Your DC are lucky to have you, regardless. It must feel never ending now, but they will one day truly understand and appreciate the sacrifices you have made to be there for them.

I get it. My ex was a total dick but at least for a period he wanted our DD for half the time. Those were my glorious freedom days, the best of both worlds - being a mum and getting to go out, have a life, holiday. It would have been very different to have several years of just solo parenting

Thank you, I have family but they don’t and won’t babysit, I don’t expect them to anyway they are my kids as they like to keep reminding me 😒 I have a couple of single mum friends but they are not in the same situation all exes involved so they get plenty of time to themselves it’s so hard to find people with fully absent exes.

Gosh that's hard not to even have any family help. Yes they are your children, but parenting is meant to be a 2 person job! Many, many people have help from grandparents and extended family, whether both parents are around or not!

Apols if I've missed it upthread, but how old are your DC? Do you work?

My feeling is you need to give yourself permission to put yourself first, and do whatever you can to give yourself a break. Beg, borrow or steal! Otherwise you'll burn yourself out, or spiral into a pit of doom. Can you do any childcare swaps with friends so you do at least get a break? Don't be a martyr. We all need a bit of time to ourselves, as well as help, understanding and support. Being a sole parent is incredibly difficult. It sounds like you've done incredibly well to have coped so far, without any support.

The last time I saw my ex in the street I pretended I didn't see him. He sees our son every few months since he was 13 and I've just left them to it. He was always in and out of our lives and rarely looked after him. Never lived together. I do miss him being little and regret that I didn't appreciate it. Now ex is moving on, new baby on the way. I can't help but feel why couldn't he have been there for us.

I was in your exact position so I completely understand how you feel. It's soul destroying. How old are your dc? It got a lot easier for me after my dd started school and I got some time back to myself, finally convinced my mum to do some overnights, and reconnected with some old friends.
Eventually, I met someone else and 4 years on we have another child and life is a million miles from where it used to be. I never would have been able to predict this when I was in that situation. I really understand how it is, and I'm sorry you're in that position. It will get better one way or the other as the kids get older, even if your family still don't offer help, the kids will start playing out with friends, staying over etc and you will get some time back to yourself x

It’s fine my mum won’t help, I don’t mind, it’s not her job, yes it would be nice but I don’t expect it and that won’t change so I have to accept it and I would never ask again if im honest, my sister won’t help either as shes a teacher and to quite “doesnt even want to see kids outside of school” so thats that. I think part of it is my mum was a single mum who raised us alone without any help so she doesn’t want to help me since she never had any help. Mine are school age now and it’s still just as tiring i find schools not really a break for me and when they are at school im working, it’s more the not getting weekends or nights to myself like other single mums I know. No time to meet anyone which does get me down as I would have loved a new relationship but as I don’t have the free time for it and no energy left.