Stuck between raising teens, fear of my ex, and wanting a life of my own

[ClarksonsFarmer]

I've been a single parent for over 10 years, my kids are now teens (and I'm peri-menopausal). I'm struggling with getting my head round teenage things a bit (no job or drive to get a job, going out late, drinking etc) but mostly struggling with living my own life...

I heard something today along the lines of 'you live as much life as you allow yourself' and realised I really don't allow myself to live at all. I put my head down and get on with my career and the cooking/shopping/house stuff/mental load and find it hard to put myself first. Partly because I don't know what I want or like any more, partly because I am too knackered, but mainly because I'm too anxious about stuff.

I want to go away with my partner of 8 years (I have people to look after my teens) but I don't want to be abroad incase something happens to my kids and I'm needed.
I want to move in with my partner but the teens aren't keen (mostly due to laziness and being in a comfort rut, no big issues) and I have no energy to declutter. I'm also worried about the inevitable negative reaction my kids father will have (he was controlling and angry)

I'm looking into counselling but it's so hard to find someone without a recommendation plus it will likely have to be early evening when I should be home and cooking.

How are we supposed to prioritise our own wants and needs when it's always been 'kids first' and when the weight of responsibility is felt so heavily?

Your children are teenagers....time to start getting independent and ready to eventually 🤞 fly the nest.
Why would your ex need to know if you move in with your partner?
Could he move in with you if its easier??
Best of luck, its difficult getting pulled in all direction's.
You only have one shot at life, enjoy it while you can x

Thanks Shelly for your kind words

My house is too small for my partner to move in and my ex needs to know because he picks up the kids at the weekends.

I know I need to start enjoying my life, it’s just so hard to put it into practice! I don’t know how/where to start as going abroad/moving house just feel so big, it’s not like you can do them in baby steps

@ClarksonsFarmer okay. One small step at a time maybe?? Does your partner stay over with you/ do you stay at his overnight?
Could you maybe spend the weekend away if your children are with their dad?
How do your children feel about you moving on with your life?
And have they met your new partner, did it go well if yes?
Sending the biggest of hugs x

I’d go away with your partner and really have some time to think it through. Does he stay over at all?
My situation is similar but different and we go away once a year.
As silly as it may sound the comment that got me is ‘when I should be home and cooking’- are your teens of an age when they can manage that so you can work on counselling or time for yourself?

Thank you so much for your input

I do spend the weekend at my partners and we do go away, I am happy to do this in the UK - I just can't bring myself to go to another country without them.

My kids are OK with my partner and I think they understand about me moving on (in a begrudging teenage kind of way!) - the problem is more me than them.

My teens can manage for one evening with a couple of pizzas, but I really try not to do this too often as I get a massive case of mum guilt! I wouldn't really like to do it regularly once a week.

I feel like I have done all the small steps I can and the only 2 things left are massive leaps which I'm just not ready for.

How old are your teens, OP? If they’re old enough to be going out drinking and you worrying about them getting jobs, they sound like they could manage without you for longer than you think.

19 and a young 13, so a bit of a weird mix, and I don’t like to make the older one responsible for the younger as they didn’t sign up to be a parent!

I was brave today though and emailed a counsellor

I am a single parent to two
for the last 8 years. Their dad while around cannot have them overnight where he lives so I don’t get mix break. Mine are 14/18

The last 18/24 months I have started doing alot more. Will
go out for drinks at weekend and not worry about being home by 9. I went away last month for a long weekend in Europe by myself. Next year I am planing long haul 2 weeks away. The oldest will be at uni and their dad will move in to look after youngest who will be 16 by then.

why do you need to be home and cooking for them in an evening? If they are teens they should’ve capable
of cooking their own dinner. I have a nearly two hour commute so if mine want to eat before 9 (realistic by the time I get home and would cook) they feed themselves. To be fair I also expect them to do that - I’m not getting home 7.30/8 to then start cooking for everyone. Just keep a few ready meals / pizzas in freezer if they cannot be bothered to do anymore. Basically what im trying to say is now they are teens just leave them to look after themselves a bit.

Just seeing your update. I don’t expect the 18yo to be responsible for the younger one but I do expect her to do a few things like not be out late if I do want to go out at a weekend (maybe once a month) as part of being a family.

Where is the kids dad in all of this? If you want to go on holiday surely they can go to their dad's? You're putting too much on yourself - they have another parent. I was also a single parent for many years and as soon as I met my (now) husband we had holidays abroad on our own. Kids went to their other parent and were absolutely fine.

Your kids sound a bit selfish and like they're not doing enough for themselves. 19 is an adult. It also has absolutely nothing to do with your ex whether you move in with your partner.

Start putting yourself first.

19? time they step and help you out, stop being a drudge to them, I thought you were going to say 13/14! 19 is an adult not a child.

Thanks all. To be fair, the 19yo can look after themselves and is responsible for the younger if I ask them. To be clear - it's me with the issue not them. Yes I am a drudge and I do too much but I'm finding it really really hard to step out of that role and when I do try to I feel so guilty (like I should only do it every so often). I'm certainly having trouble with putting my happiness first - I'm pretty sure moving in with my partner would make me a lot happier (and less 'lonely' now the youngest needs me less) I just can't take the step

The dad moved 90 minutes away so can't look after them during term time. He also isn't really arsed and (surprise surprise) they don't have a great relationship. But again, the issue here is more me - even if they went to their dads and I went abroad, I wouldn't enjoy it because of all the 'what ifs' running through my mind and me mentally planning how long it would take me to get back to them if they needed me.

@loveawineloveacrisp you said "It also has absolutely nothing to do with your ex whether you move in with your partner". I know this logically, but he will make it an issue and I will feel worried that he's looking after the kids when he is angry

Honestly OP, you need to free yourself of him and not allow him to control your life long after you've divorced. Believe me, I've been there.

@loveawineloveacrisp yes that would be amazing. Hopefully the counsellor will help with it. How did you manage to free yourself?

Difficult one. I think something just clicked in my head one day, and I just started to blank any communication that didn't relate to our kids. It's not easy, and I let him get to me for years. I wish I hadn't.

I understand the guilt, been there, got the t-shirt, but the only way to move past it is to tell yourself that the guilt isn't reasonable and it's perfectly ok to leave them while you go abroad, or to let them cook their own dinner.

Keep telling yourself this and eventually you will believable it, especially when you see that the sky doesn't fall down when you do it! It honestly gets easier, but you have to push through that initial stage.

If it helps, my 19 yo is buying a house with his girlfriend at the moment. Do you think I feel guilty about not cooking?!

Im sure, certain that many women feel like you with kids this age. It’s a fine line between burdening them with responsibility when they’re in their prime of having fun , and clawing back a life of your own. Ultimately I think it helps to remind yourself that pushing them into the world is beneficial, and showing them how to live a full life benefits everyone.
Without delving further into the bigger issues, I think you’ll find that by initially striving to tackle the clutter, you’ll be able to clarify your thoughts. It really is remarkable how clutter jumbles our thoughts and debilitates us.
Recently I had to tackle some (loads of) clutter to embark on some home improvements but for the first time in years I’m suddenly able to look at bigger things with more perspective.
Decluttering really does simplify your life to an extent , even if it’s just being able to see a freezer full of easy meals rather than a freezer full of random crap. It can be an overwhelming task if you’re perimenopausal and stressed and knackered but so worth it it.
And having less physical things to attend to means you feel less resentful, less in crisis mode and more relaxed. Little by little , just one drawer /cupboard at a time.

Don’t engage with your ex. If he needs to know anything essential, like a new address, then a text message will suffice. Your kids are old enough to figure out their dad is angry because he’s having a toddler tantrum without being scared or worried.

With regard to leaving the country you may find the thought is worse than the reality. I was a single parent for almost a decade and kids came first always so it was hard to plan it but actually doing it has been easier than expected.

I completely get why you won’t want to go abroad and leave a 13 yo, even when you know they are cared for if that gives you anxiety then don’t do it. I personally couldn’t but I also think it’s fine for those who feel ok about it.

even at 13 it’s old enough for them to be participating in cooking! I’d get them doing housework too. My oldest is 10 and I’m not yet comfortable with her doing the hot part of cooking so I teach hers but but generally I do that type of cooking myself. But I’m a big batch cooker and my 9 and 10 year olds can microwave leftovers, make sandwiches and that sort of thing. I do t have them doing proper housework just yet but they load/unload dishwasher and help hang the washing and put their clothes away. I find I’m feeling more of a person now they do this stuff not just maid and cook. Maybe that will help you see them as more capable and your role while still mum gives you your identity back a bit?

if your kids (the 13yo) are happy to move in with your partner then do it! Maybe your ex will be difficult but that won’t last forever and he shouldn’t have that power over you! It’s been 8 years it’s not like you are merging with a stranger for him to have valid concerns

Where do you live in the UK? Would the ferry to Dublin for the weekend- or even just the day- be an option? The first time DH brought our daughter over to his parents in Wales without me (I was working back home in NI) was a bit weird....there is a bit of a psychological barrier about being on a different landmass to your children, even though it's probably as quick for me to get to his parents' house from ours as it would be for me to get to the other end of Ireland. It's not a baby step, but a middling step maybe. Or you could bring the two teens to Ireland for a few days and stay in an Air B&B or something. Bit of an adventure. Bottle of duty free on the way home.

Mine are 18 and 15 so a little bit easier to leave them. I just paid my 18 year old to be responsible for my 15 year old when I went abroad for 3 nights last weekend. It was the first time I had done it and was extremely apprehensive but it worked out really well. I asked my neighbour and 2 close friends to keep an eye and both teens had their numbers in case of emergencies. The fridge was full and we had some good chats about boundaries and rules / trust before I left.

Mine don’t go to their DFs anymore (your ex sounds similar to mine) so if I want any kind of life I have to do this kind of thing. However in your shoes I would 100% be starting to do this kind of thing whilst the younger one is at their DFs (or both if they still go) or arrange a sleepover for the youngest for a couple of nights. Start off closer to home and see how it goes.

I do know exactly how you are feeling and I tend not to do much in the week that means I wouldn’t be there when I normally am in the evenings midweek (apart from the gym) as I think it’s important to connect with them as teenagers most days but I’ll definitely go to the theatre or out for a drink / dinner from time to time.

Apart from it meaning that you have a bit of a life, I think gradually starting to do more prepared all of you for the next few years ahead in terms of their independence and it not being such a shock when they don’t need you as much or they leave home. As largely single parents I think our identity is so tied up with living our lives for them that even though it’s completely all consuming and exhausting , it’s also a bit scary to not be needed quite as much and to let go. Your post resonated with me!

With the moving in issue.. if they aren’t keen then I’d not do that one for now. The next few years with your teens will fly by so it hold fire on that one but DO start living your life - baby steps and you won’t feel so anxious that way.