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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What custody arrangements can I expect?

16 replies

RambleOn · 16/06/2008 16:04

My situation is that my partner and I are separating. We have a 20mo DD together, and I am 8wks pg.

Can you prepare me for what custody/access arrangements I can expect, so that I can have a breakdown in the privacy of my owm home rather than at the solicitors on Thurs?

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 16/06/2008 16:07

Very sad to read your post

Please don't think that custody arrangements will be "forced" upon you. Take the lead and ask for what you want and is reasonable.

Original poster

RambleOn · 16/06/2008 16:14

Thanks Anna. I'm not sure what's reasonable though.

OP posts:

Tinkerbel6 · 16/06/2008 16:14

RambleOn hope you are ok ?

I think a lot of couples when they split come to an every other weekend arrangement, but if you are not happy with you DD staying over then maybe a couple of days a week instead, it is better though if you come to an arrangement between yourselves, what do you feel comfortable ?

lostdad · 16/06/2008 16:19

Neither the OP or her ex should have things `forced' upon them.

And custody is a redundant term, BTW.

Original poster

RambleOn · 16/06/2008 16:23

my original thread

Can he take my newborn for the weekend? Does this mean I won't be able to breastfeed?

OP posts:

stroppyknickers · 16/06/2008 16:23

You will need to decide residency and access. This can be decided upon by you and your ex as part of the separation in my experience, and the court can okay it if it is reasonable. Otherwise, it is decided by you, your partner, solicitors and a judge, maybe CafCass for your dc to have a 'voice'. Think of it as positive for them to hace access to him if he is a good parent.

Anna8888 · 16/06/2008 16:27

If you are intending to breastfeed, you should be able to do so.

It is quite reasonable to say that you don't wish for your newborn (or even your 20 month old) to stay overnight with their father if they are used to being cared for primarily by you. Whether you get heard or not is, of course, another issue.

lostdad · 16/06/2008 16:30

Please don't think that going to a solictor/court is the only way to sort this out. They should be regarded as a last resort.

Talk to each other. This is the best option, if you can agree on what best serves your child. If not, try mediation - google `National Family Mediation' - professional mediation that will enable both you and your ex to put your views across whilst ensuring your child's best interests are considered before anything else.

I can't say strongly enough that if you can avoid solicitors and courts, do so. Bad solicitors can make a bad time worse (I read somewhere that 60% of most solicitors will never mention the option of mediation at any stage) and the courts are adversarial - with a `winner takes all' attitude.

In an ideal world you and your ex will continue to work together in your child's best interests...and they will be the only winner.

stroppyknickers · 16/06/2008 16:31

Just read the beginning of your original thread. The court won't see adultery as being a bad father, so it's irrelevant as to the contact issue, ime. Not sure about seeing the new partner - the baby won't know any different, but you cd argue too confusing for existing child for time being? You need your girlfriends for support and moaning about unfairness and the solicitors/courts for the best thing for you and your children. Good luck.

Mutt · 16/06/2008 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mankymummy · 16/06/2008 16:37

i read your other thread but has he now admitted he is seeing this girl?

Original poster

RambleOn · 16/06/2008 16:48

lostdad - he is pretty much refusing to talk about it. He gets up every morning and acts as if this hasn't happened.

stroppy - yes, I can see that you're right and they won't see this as being a bad father. I obviously disagree though. I think planning and conceiving a baby with me whilst shagging a schoolgirl wouldn't win him any parenting awards.

Mutt - Am trying not to panic!

Manky - Yes, admitted it when confronted with hard evidence. Apparently, he has been trying to finish it for ages It's a weight off his shoulders that I've found out.

OP posts:

mankymummy · 16/06/2008 16:53

what a prize arse. it takes 38 texts in an evening to try and finish it does it?

a weight off HIS shoulders. FFS?!!!!

no consolation i know but you are better off without him.

is he still seeing her?

Original poster

RambleOn · 16/06/2008 17:00

He has said that he has finished it with her. Keeps asking me to check his phone records as evidence as he knows I have access to them. And he has stopped texting her from this phone.

What he doesn't realise, is that I know he has a new phone hidden in his glovebox.

Prize arse is right.

OP posts:

mankymummy · 16/06/2008 19:35

stupid prize arse then if he thinks you wouldnt have sussed he'd got another phone.

why is he saying its over does he want to work things out with you?

stroppyknickers · 17/06/2008 10:35

RambleOn - I agree, I'm just being practical. The sooner you accept that the bd stuff he has done to you (obv. excl any violence etc which would be relevant), the sooner you are going to make decisions that the court will agree with. A good friend of mine spent so much time stuck on 'it's not fair' with her solicitor that she spent thousands. Literally. I think you need to gather a team of wine drinking girlfriends to help you thro this...

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