Challenging Child

[purpleme12]

I am at the end of my tether
My child is 12 and gets angry about anything and everything and gets worse if anything
I just can't deal with it anymore
I'm not dealing with it great anymore cos I find it impossible
Im so sick of having to deal with it all and deal with everything and I can't do it anymore

That sounds really tough. Do you have any support, partner, parents extended family? What sort of things are they getting angry about?

Not really
I speak to my mate sometimes but I'm ashamed sometimes
She gets angry about everything
I was sorting the house today which would have taken probably about an hour then I would have available to play but she couldn't cope with being by herself and not being with someone else and being bored so got distegulated.
The second incident was her speaking in a rude tone of voice being disrespectful I'd just had enough cos it's neverending. And it spiralled.
She's so impulsive.
Then says she hates herself and she's the problem. We were going to have a good day together today

It’s rough when you’re at the end of your tether isn’t it. And it seems worse when you’ve hoped to have a lovely day and it didn’t go to plan.

Half term with you too? I always find Feb half term harder, weather has been crap for forever, most of us are still financially recovering from Christmas and we are just sort of stuck inside with not much to do!

Hard for you to hear her say she hates herself. But on the positive side, she is at least telling you this, her moods and attitude could be hormonal at this age. I don’t have many solutions, but I think it’s good that she feels safe enough with you to express this even if it means you’re getting the crappy behaviour 😕

Yep, puberty sucks. Getting stressed back at them doesn't help. (We've all tried that one and found it doesn't work)

Try to remember that they are undergoing a brain rewire, with raging hormones and it's bloody tough for them too. (It does help when you are faced with an enormous bundle of rage)

Try to spot and calm the early stages of dysregulation. It's better for both of you.

Consider if it's just normal teens or is there anything else going on neurodiverse wise. Kids who could cope suddenly can't as teens.

I wish I could say I thought it was just puberty

I'm really failing on every level

When she grows up she'll probably hate me and not want anything to do with me

Meanwhile she'll want to have a relationship with her dad. Who she doesn't treat like crap. Who gets all the great sides. What do I get? The crappy sides. The worst sides. Even she asks if she can come see him on Saturday it's no cos he's knackered and need to catch up on sleep.

The dads get to have a good relationship with their child cos they don't get treated like crap. Don't get any of the bad stuff. Don't have to do any day to day hard stuff. I can see it. And then the dad can blame it on you cos he hates you anyway and won't even talk to you about the child you've got together and so makes this idea up in his mind of what you're like with her.

She takes the bad stuff out on you OP because she feels safe with you and knows you're the one who's always there for her. Do you think she could have SEN? ASD? ADHD? I'm just asking because you say you don't think it's just hormonal.
At this age if she's being rude and disrespectful I'd just calmly remind her 'please don't speak to me like that, it's rude'. Then walk away, don't let it spiral into a big thing if you can avoid it.
Don't worry about what her dad says or thinks, be calm with him too. Don't let him wind you up. Tweens are often rude though OP, it doesn't mean anything more then they're at a tricky age. Tell her you love her, feel like a good mum and have a fun day.