How do you sleep when older teens /YA come in late regularly?

[wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone]

Or have friends over?
I carry all the weight of worry and angst while ex has had absolutely nothing to do with parenting. The sleepless nights are taking a toll. Along with abusive neighbours that have wreaked havoc on my ability to sleep at night..

Ds is 20, he's been out till late hours since he turned 17. It's currently only a few times a week . He's now at uni and I he's just doing what I used to when I was his age- busy with the opposite sex, in love , seeing friends, parties. Trouble is I was driving at his age and had a car. I suppose that kept me safe.

He refuses to learn how to drive and travels on public transport, he's very feminine looking, dresses as a romantic goth with makeup, I hate to say it but he looks like an easy target. Won't change appearance for safety on tubes, no matter what I say.
I sometimes wonder if I'll drop from the years of accumulative sleepless nights.
Any advice appreciated

I understand your concern but driving at night at that age is extremely risky - don’t get hung up on that being safer, because there is clear evidence that it isn’t!

It's so hard isn't it! I used to send casual texts to check in, stuff about bands we enjoy or what I'm up to etc - "proof of life !" Lol
Sometimes they replied it depends.
I never did the location tracking thing as I wasn't hugely techy when mine were that age. Think maybe I would nowadays

Just buy yourself a container of earplugs and a white noise machine, and sleep. If that doesn't work, see your doctor about anxiety.

I saw five DCs through teenage life in the US as a single parent. Staying up worrying only deprives you of sleep. It does nothing to make your DCs safe. Resenting the other parent ditto.

All of my DCs learned to drive in high school, which involved me letting them use my car to practice in, with the added insurance my responsibility. They got their licenses along with their friends and drove off in friends' cars to do their socialising on weekends. At sixteen...

I reminded them to wear their seat belts and to make sure they had money for a taxi or to call me if they thought their friends weren't safe to drive back from wherever they ended up.

Thanks for the replies everyone
Even if I manage to fall asleep I'm woken up by him coming home on the early hours then struggle to fall back to sleep 😔

I'd speak to your DS about tiptoeing in and taking care not to make noise when he gets back. It's inconsiderate to make enough noise to wake someone when he comes in.

I'd also speak to your doctor. Are you anywhere near menopause?

I am a bad sleeper and I have a 17 year old so I get it. We have life 360 which I know some people think is horrendous and possibly if your DS doesn't have it already he might not be keen but it means I can for example check if he's en route home before I go to bed as I did last night - I could see he was at the train station so knew he would be home within half an hour and went to sleep. It also means if he's not home before I go to sleep when I wake up an hour or so later I can quickly check on my phone to see he's home and go back to sleep.
i wear a sleep eye mask with Bluetooth that covers my ears and that helps not wake up when he comes in, but I've also trained him to be extremely quiet (he knows how badly I sleep and if he wants to be active after 10pm he has to be quiet as a mouse)
You also can't live your life worrying about him all the time. He's an adult now and you need techniques to let go. Some CBT type techniques might help. Some affirmations or a series of disrupting techniques to use every time you start having a bad thought about his safety - try wiggling fingers and toes, deep breath 4 in 6 out, look at 5 blue things (or imagine them if you're in bed) and say out loud or in your mind 'he's fine, stop worrying'
Good luck. You can make changes but it's not easy.

I have the same issue @wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone - we have a few rules; no excess noise when he comes in, text me when you get in, (so if I do wake up I know whether hes home), no cooking in the middle of the night! He does drive and owns a car, but im much less anxious when hes on public transport. Other than that I wear good ear plugs and know thst the earliest Id take action if he didnt come home, would be the next morning anyway, so no point worrying all night

That's really helpful advice everyone. Thanks again.
So true, the earliest you'd take action would be the morning...
I am post menopausal so yes sleep has been impacted.